If Youâ€™re Estranged From Your Parent, Itâ€™s Not Your Fault
Last month, I saw my dad for the first time in seven years. I figured it was as good a time as any because my sister, my niece, my husband, my kids, and I all went on vacation to the beach. My sister was already in contact with my dad, so it seemed like an ideal icebreakerâ€”or a potentially awkward meeting after a huge gap of seven years.
I spent the month leading up to the meeting with major anxiety. I spent as much time as I could crying as I revisited old memories, meditating, and making lists of what I wanted to talk to my therapist about. When the day finally came for my dad to meet us at the beach, I was beyond nervous. I was also spread thin as I was trying to keep my “mom hat” on to take care of my own kids, while still mentally preparing for this major event. Most of all, I was worried that I would bust out crying after seeing him for the first time in so long.
When I saw him, it was the same and different at the same time. I was so nervous, and my eyes did fill with tears. But I told myself that we could get to know each other on new ground; I didn’t have to play the same role that I always played as a little girlâ€”eager to please, trying to make inane conversation so that no one would feel uncomfortable.
That first meeting brought up so many emotions. To tell you the truth, it broke my heart to see my dad. I’ve talked before about how he likely suffered from undiagnosed mental illness when I was a little girl. It was hardest to look at him as he is in the moment. To see that he still has little broken pieces of him that I remember from the past.
Still, he seemed happy, upbeat, and mostly together now. He also seemed happy to see me, after we got past the initial awkwardness. One of the main reasons that I didnâ€™t want to see him after so long was because I would have to face reality. Dad, are you happy now? Do you feel alone? What have you been doing for the past seven years? Is any of this my fault?
After that weekend vacation, I told myself that I would be open to seeing my dad, if he reached out to me. I personally felt that there was a serious parent-child imbalance throughout my life, and I just wanted him to show me that he would make an effort. He did. We got together with my kids at Chuck E. Cheese’s over the weekend, and it truly was a blast. He was so great with my kids.