This Story About Adult Breastfeeding Rings Is Your Last Chance To Vomit In 2014

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breastmilkFifteen people who should be ashamed of themselves forever were arrested in China after police broke up an adult breastfeeding prostitution ring. A what now? An adult breastfeeding prostitution ring. I’ll give you a moment to buy a rosary or say a prayer to whatever God you believe in.

Are you back? Okay. Let’s learn something terrible.

Police in China have arrested fifteen people for taking part in a prostitution ring connected to a website called “The Wet Nurse Forum.” According to UPI, the site, which had over 200 members, was used “to purchase breastfeeding and other sexual services.”


Hey, you know what you should never do? Ask one of those people if that’s the same mouth they kiss their mothers with.

The site was created in 2013 and charged users “between $48 and $270 to become members and a further $1,600 as a commission fee for services.” And this wasn’t the only site offering these services. No, apparently there were several of these out there because people are the creepiest and absolute worst.

Also from UPI:

One of the websites offered two forms of service, “pure” and “impure.” The “pure” service involved breastfeeding services for about $6,500 per month, while “impure” added “a deeper level of service,” meaning sexual intercourse, for about $8,000.

Listen to me. There is nothing “pure” about a breastfeeding adult. These should have been called “Gross” and “What’s Grosser Than Gross.”

The story was leaked (sorry, I had to) this summer after an investigation by The Beijing News (note, the link is translated into English by Google Translate). One of their reporters posed as a client and spoke to one of the women offering the service, who told him that, “only those who offered sexual services in addition to breastfeeding were assured regular work,” and that, “some mothers only breastfed their babies once a day or stopped breastfeeding them altogether in order to provide for clients.”

Super. Because what would a story about an adult breastfeeding prostitution ring be without the horrible, depressing exploitation of women? Nothing. The answer is nothing, because otherwise it wouldn’t exist.

The International Business Times provided some more background about the world of adult breastfeeding:

Last year AFP reported that human breast milk had become a luxury for China’s rich and is regarded in some regions as having healing properties, with firms offering a human breast milk service for adults and children.

Oh, it’s fancy! Well, that changes everything. It’s like one of those holistic healing treatments, right? Maybe they could start selling it at Whole Foods. You’d be able to go in and say, “I need ground flax seed, some organic dinosaur kale, and the breastmilk of an impoverished young mother, please.” Hipsters could start opening breastmilk bars called “Lactation & Linen,” or “Milk & Satchel.” Later, they could expand and open a bar called “Cluster Feed” that uses breastmilk to create pretentious cocktails.

Happy New Year, weirdos.

(Photo: Dmitry Lobanov / Shutterstock)