Childrearing

Action Movies Gave Us All The Parenting Advice We’ll Ever Need

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When we look for role models as parents, the logical place to turn is to our heroes and heroines in the movies. Who could possibly be a better paragon of protectiveness and family leadership than the stars of our favorite action films? If you think you’re tough enough to parent like a Last Action Hero, hang tight for the tenets of action movie parenting.

1. Walking on broken glass is a good way to train yourself to deal with the pain of stepping on a stray Lego.

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There’s still nothing that can ever hurt as bad as a Lego, but it’s better than not training at all.

2. It’s not worth the trouble to make sure your kids are dressed ‘modestly’.

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After the family weathers an explosion or extreme weather event, all of your clothes will end up strategically ripped to cover only the mandatory areas. So checking that your daughter’s shorts are fingertip-length or that your son’s underpants aren’t hanging out the back of his jeans before you embark on a family trip to an active volcano or underground crime syndicate is just a waste of time.

Side note: a dirty, sleeveless undershirt is a suitable garment for nearly any occasion.

3. Family exercise is important.

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Running away from explosions is a great activity that you can all do together. If your current fitness level doesn’t allow for running, try walking briskly instead.

4. If your child’s teacher has a German accent, transfer him out of the class immediately.

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There is a 97% chance that teacher is evil. Same goes for teachers with Russian accents. If the teacher has an English accent, there is a 50-50 chance that he will turn out to be evil or that he will be your child’s most trusted educator and mentor, so you will probably want to play things by ear.

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