Jesus Freak: Abstinence Is The Worst Reason To Rush Into Marriage

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Jesus Freak: I am a Christian mom who was raised in a fundamental Christian home. I have questioned my beliefs and have come to love myself and God on my own terms. I’m raising my kids the same way. 

I used to be a believer in abstinence until marriage. In fact, I was ”saving myself” as a virgin until marriage, until I re-met my husband at the age of 24. While I technically have only been with one man, my husband, we decided to rapidly switch gears and live together in sin two years prior to getting married. One reason was because my husband was already divorced at the age of 24, a marriage he rushed into because of the abstinence doctrine.

My husband and I were best friends in high school. Even back then, we knew that we had eerily similar upbringings (although I promise we are not related). Growing up, my family was very, very religious; as a young child, my parents were missionaries, and my dad was a pastor for a time. My husband grew up as a pastor’s kid almost his entire life. My father-in-law still preaches part-time.

So, it’s pretty clear that we were both taught abstinence as part of fundamental Christianity, along with the fact that sex is bad, bad, bad. My husband’s ex-wife was his high school girlfriend, who he met at church. Funnily enough, she and I never met each other back then because she didn’t go to our high school.

I moved away after high school, and my husband got married. She actually proposed to him because she wanted to live with him””but didn’t want to live in sin, I assume. My husband told me that he would have been happy living with her back then, but he knew that his parents would have disapproved. I can’t blame the abstinence doctrine directly, but I know that if my husband and his ex-wife had felt more comfortable living together, then maybe he wouldn’t have had to wade through a complicated divorce for several years following their three-year marriage.

As a side note, I’d like to point out that I am now glad my husband is divorced. When we first got together, I was very, very insecure about it, as most young, twenty-somethings are. But in his situation, he learned so much from his crash-and-burn marriage. He had a lot to bring to the table in our marriage and has made me better for it.

The Abstinence Until Marriage Facebook group provides some of the top benefits of waiting to have sex until marriage:

The many benefits of waiting until marriage:

Enjoy feelings of self-worth, empowerment and individuality.

Know that someone loves you for who you are rather than what you can give sexually.

Enjoy 100% protection against pregnancy and disease. No birth control method can guarantee against pregnancy or STIs. Every method, including condoms, has a failure rate. In lab tests, condoms fail 3% of the time, and studies show that first year condom users experience a 15% failure rate.

Waiting for sex until marriage is likely to increase your chances of a happy and lasting marriage. Studies have shown that people who have sex before marriage have an increased risk of getting divorced.

Join an increasingly popular choice! Yes, sexual abstinence is becoming increasingly popular. A recent survey by the The Family Education Trust showed that around 85% of under-16s have not had sex, and the number of college students in the USA who say they are virgins has doubled in recent years. Several studies have shown that celibacy is becoming more common, even among those with previous sexual experience.

Avoid the heartbreak, regret, anger and emotional turmoil that a failed sexual relationship brings. Avoid giving away something precious, only to be left feeling used and worthless.

Learn how to love unconditionally rather than lust. Relationships based on lust are often doomed to fail, since once the lust that held them together has subsided; it leaves behind a void of emptiness. Relationships based on love are more concerned with the unchangeable inner person rather than outer appearances that are changeable over time.

Okay, Abstinence Until Marriage Facebook group, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I am not saying that these points are entirely false, and they are probably true for some couples who practice abstinence in the Christian community. But for as many couples who reap these benefits, there are people like my husband who experienced quite the opposite.

Again, this is not scientific research; it is just a personal anecdote. But I do believe that my husband experienced ”heartbreak, regret, anger and emotional turmoil” from his failed relationship””specifically because he rushed into marriage, after pressure was placed on him by his parents and the religious community. Since he rushed into marriage so quickly and without any preparation, I would also argue that he hardly learned how to love unconditionally. He described his relationship with his ex-wife as ”awkward roommates.”

I am positive that there are plenty of relationships that work following abstinence. I am also not arguing that young marriages are doomed to fail. Unfortunately, many, many of the young marriages that I have seen based on a fear of premarital sex have failed. I wish the opposite was true, but I have seen it more times than I can count.

I can’t judge anyone’s young marriage, reason to marry, or decision to remain abstinent before marriage. But I can draw from my husband’s experience to encourage our sons to date more than one person and to make sex an open topic in our family. I’m not entirely gung-ho about the idea of my future teenage sons ”doing the deed,” but I’d rather them have sex than rush into marriage.

(Image: manifeesto/Shutterstock)

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