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9 Sex Toy Tips For New Parents

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Childbirth is a whirlwind of change: those hormones that may have previously given you the best orgasms of your life have now shifted and made the thought of sex about as palatable as a bowl of rocks. Mommyish staff spoke with Dr. Trina Read about using toys to bring excitement into your postpartum sex life. A mother herself, Dr. Read understands the challenge of making time for sex when you’re a new parent. “It’s almost impossible to feel sexual when our estrogen is replaced with milk-producing hormones oxytocin and prolactin and we’re exhausted, overwhelmed and our vaginas are in a menopausal-like state. It’s not a fun cocktail,” she says.

If you and your partner are wondering what happened to your libido (and how you can coax it back), try out these nine fabulous tips.

1. Know what you like

we-vibe suite

Dr. Read says vibrators are like shoes—there’s a style for everyone. “Do you want dual stimulation?  If not, do you prefer a little or a lot of clitoral stimulation? Eco-friendly? Rechargeable? Remote control?” Consider the shape, also, whether you want a rabbit-habit style versus a non-phallic style, like the We-Vibe.  But there’s no shame in wanting something that resembles the real thing, either! You do you.

(photo: We-vibe.com)

 2. …And know what your partner likes

You may be tempted to run out and buy a sex toy as a surprise for your partner, but Dr. Read advises you shop around together. “It’s more fun to pick something out together by finding something you’re both comfortable with—and the process of picking it out will build sexual anticipation. “

Dr. Read adds that “lesbians and gay men have found many ways to enjoy the We-vibe during lovemaking. Beyond the original We-Vibe couples vibrator, the brand has also has two popular personal massagers like the Touch and Tango. The discreet–but powerful–devices can be used on any of the e-zones (clitoris, inner thigh, behind the knees).”

3. Reputation matters (Don’t buy a toy from Craigslist)

vibratorsinabox

Intimate-use products are non-returnable, and for good reason. So while the Craigslist thing should go without saying, really, you should still inspect any product you buy for standard compliance labels. Read adds, “All products have a published manufacturers’ suggested retail price (MSRP). If a deal seems too good to be true, it could be a counterfeit and the product safety claims may be questionable.”

“Always buy authentic products from established distributors, either online or in retail stores,” says Dr. Read. Yes, they may be a little pricey, but you get what you pay for. This MILF over here at Mommyish has made the mistake of buying cheap toys that wear down easily or break after a few rounds of rambunctious sexytimes, so learn from me and save up for something durable!

(photo:  dee3nah)

4. Try different positions

stuffed animals sex

Just like good ole’ P-in-the-V intercourse, sex toys provide different sensations when you change positions. Read says, “Every woman’s vaginal canal is slightly different which means that the tilt to her pelvis is crucial for her getting maximum satisfaction. Some women will prefer missionary style on her back, others on her side, while others like doggy-style.” I found that the vaginal and clitoral-stimulation “Thrill” product makes stomach-down masturbation way easier than lying in the same position doing it the old fashioned way.

(photo: Property of Hannibal King)

5. Carve out postpartum couple time—but not necessarily for sex

cuddlingcats

Read offers some great advice (albeit difficult) for new parents struggling with stress: schedule regular alone time with each other, even if it’s just to cuddle. “By getting into the habit of making time for your relationship, it will set a good precedent for when intercourse is welcomed again. Forcing sex at this juncture could be a recipe for resentment-disaster down the road, especially if she’s breastfeeding and sex may be uncomfortable and perhaps even painful. You and your partner should respect the natural course of life and just know that with some time, feeling sexy will become easier.”

(photo:  jack_pickard)

6. Adapt your kids’ understanding of your sex lives according to your their ages

sorry we're fucking

Read explains that when your baby is under two, it’s relatively easy to have sex during naptime. I sometimes plunk my little one down in a high chair in front of the TV with a toy to sneak away for a quickie.

For kids older than two, Read recommends explaining “parent-time” to the kids. “Parent-time is where kids understand when the parent’s bedroom door is locked, they do not disturb. The earlier parents create these boundaries, the easier it is for everyone and just becomes a normal part of routine.”

And something to consider for the parents of young children: “As your kids grow up, it’s a big leap for most couples to be okay with their kids knowing they have sex. However—and here’s the big however—too many parents of teenagers stop having sex because they are too self conscious that they know exactly what’s going on. By setting boundaries early, you establish a mutual respect for privacy and the importance of making time for your relationship.”

(photo: tumblr)

7. Take a sex challenge

Dr. Read embarked on a six-month sex challenge, during which she picked out a new product every week, tried it out, and blogged about it. Being proactive about sex made her more aware of her and her husband’s preferences. “Sometimes sex was about my needs and other times it was focused on my husband, but overall it was balanced to please both of us. Being ‘in charge’ of sex really helped me regain sexual self-confidence.”

I tried something similar, choosing to have sex every day for a single week. It seemed mechanical at first, setting that kind of goal, but knowing it was going to go down (ha) helped build excitement about it, too.

 8. Don’t stop using toys when you get pregnant again!

sex toys

As long as your OB gives you the go-ahead, Read says it’s totally fine to use toys when you’re pregnant. “In fact, in the third-trimester a women’s orgasmic platform is naturally fully engorged with blood. During that time, she may experience her most intense orgasms with the help of a vibrator.”

(photo: momodo.it)

9. Masturbate 

cat and vibrator

You can learn a lot about your sexual preferences by playing around alone. Not only can you take your time and engulf yourself in fantasy, but you may discover something new. The great thing about incorporating solo toys into partnered sex is their consistency: for instance, once you’ve picked a favorite vibration setting, you know you’ll enjoy it as much (if not more) when it’s in your partner’s hands.

Dr. Read adds that it’s crucial to tell your partner what you like, whether you need “to be nurtured with a massage, a bath or whatever makes [you] feel desired and loved,” your partner isn’t a mind-reader.

(photo: Ivan Cockrum)