8 Wardrobe Malfunctions Every Woman Deals With Once She Becomes A Mom
The possibilities for wardrobe malfunctions are endless once a kiddo is in your care. Sure, you see those cute moms on commercials parading around in their designer jeans and billowy silk tops, but we all know that’s a load of garbage. Getting dressed as a parent is preparing for battle. It’s also camouflaging yourself as a normal, functioning human. There are so many things to tuck, lift, hide, and squeeze, and even then you have to deal with the constant threat of tiny hands undoing all your efforts. Here are a few fashion fails I’ve dealt with since becoming a mom:
1. The opposite of thigh gap
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I’m surprised Smokey The Bear hasn’t cited me yet for all the smoke billowing up from the friction between my thighs. All of my pants are worn out between my legs, and that’s because extra thigh meat comes along with those birthing hips. I look voluptuous naked, and I’d probably be delicious fried up extra crispy, but my Old Navy jeans can’t stand the heat.
2. Camel toe
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FACT: once you have a baby your vagina gets really confused and starts trying to devour anything that comes near it.
3. The Peek-A-Bum
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You get everyone out of the car, get the kid(s) strapped in to the stroller, sling on the diaper bag, and oops! The hem of your maxi dress is caught up between your butt cheek and the bag, just high enough for everyone to see your Hanes cotton granny panties. No one tells you and you don’t notice until you’ve been in Target for 40 minutes because of course you don’t.
4. The Peek-A-Boob
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You’re innocently bouncing your sweet pea on your lap, but they have other ideas. With one swipe of a curiously strong chubby hand, your bra and possibly your boob are exposed to the world. I guess it’s time for the kids to eat lunch?
5. The Flap Of Doom
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You used to be able to squeeze into ultra low-rise jeans, but now? Not so much. Now you know your pants are too low when you button them and your tummy flops over the front like the top flap of an envelope sealing in a love letter. You buy higher-waisted pants and then end up with that poochy tummy look, but what can you do? This is one game of ‘Would You Rather?’ for which there are no winners.
6. Muffin top
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Mine is blueberry. What’s yours?
7. A River Runs Through It (And ‘It’ Is Your Boobs)
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High necklines are your friend, but in the event that you wear a slightly lower cut top or *GASP* a v-neck when you’ve got a baby around, you can pretty much count on them absolutely puking between your boobs. It will leave a wet spot down the middle of your top and then it will flow into your bra and pool beneath your breasticles. It is the most awful sensation in the history of feeling.
8. The Perpetual Wet Spot
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If you have a button, broach, zipper, fancy embroidery, exposed tag, or anything else that is slightly different in texture from the surrounding fabric, your kid will be on it. Similarly, they will drip drool, breast milk, formula, snot, or something – anything – else on you. Basically, some part of your clothing will always be wet. Grab all your white clothes and set them on fire now.
(Image via Shutterstock)
