8 Things Moms Really Want For Christmas This Year

[vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

We are quickly advancing upon the gift-giving part of the holiday season, which is both the best and the worst part of the holidays. On the one hand, getting presents is just as wonderful as an adult as when one is a child, and giving presents to people you like is great fun. On the other hand, giving presents is time-consuming and expensive, and you’re virtually guaranteed to find the limited-edition Hatchimal your sister’s kid wants most for the holidays, and then your sister’s whole family will chip in on a scented candle, and it is definitely the scented candle you gave your sister for her birthday.

Fortunately for us, the Internet is full of gift-buying guides to take all the trouble out of shopping. “Gifts for dad” lists abound, and they’re very useful provided your dad likes scotch and barbecuing. Gifts for mom also abound, which is very convenient because all moms are the same person and like the same things. All moms are clearly the same person, so what I want is obviously what all other mothers in the world want. With that fact conveniently established, here is the Mommyish guide to the 8 things moms want for Christmas this year.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

Hamilton tickets



We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal and endowed by the creator with an unalienable desire for Hamilton tickets. Good seats are better, but I’ll be happy behind a pole. The opportunity to boo Vice-President-elect Mike Pence would be a considerable bonus.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

To pick the pizza topping

Pizza on a white background. Collection.


I’m already fantasizing about the pizza topping I’m going to pick. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to get pineapple on a pizza? I admit it is a polarizing flavor, but come on, I don’t roll around and make gagging noises when my family members put sugar in green tea. (OK, I do side-eye that a bit. That’s just weird.) All the “plain cheese”-eating toddlers can go sit in the back and get to picking the mushrooms and spinach and goat cheese off my delicious mom pizza.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

Not to get a daycare cold



Dammit, toddlers. How do you pick up these germs, and why must you give them to us? This is not what we meant when we said, “Sharing is caring.”

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

This cake

 grasshopper cake


I did not even know this cake existed until 30 seconds ago when it appeared in my Twitter feed. This is a grasshopper cake, which means it tastes like mint and chocolate. I want this whole thing and I don’t want to have to share.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

Someone to talk about astrology with

zodiac color sign symbol cartoon illustration


I do not believe in astrology, not even a little bit. But I am now obsessed with following Astro Poets on Twitter and scrolling through to see if they mentioned my sign, which is Leo. According to the Astro Poets, scrolling through Twitter to see if someone mentioned you is the most Leo thing a person can do. Everyone should be allowed to talk about astrology as much as they want without having to respond to a cocked eyebrow and someone saying, “You know that’s not real, right?” Of course it’s not real, but neither is Westworld, and everybody’s talking about that.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

A wallpaper mural



If I have this wallpaper mural, my house will always be clean, my taxes will be paid on time, bugs will never come into my house, and my daughter will grow up to be healthy and well-adjusted and happy and loved and will get a well-paying job in the field of her choice and will never get a tattoo. (I, however, am going to get this wallpaper mural tattooed on me as a pair of full arm sleeves.)

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

A pink velvet sofa



If I can have a pink velvet sofa, I promise I will keep it clean and take care of it and not leave wet towels on it, and I will call my mother more often and I promise to get my holiday cards sent out in time, and I will floss at night every day, and not just for the week before a dentist appointment.

[/vc_column_text] [vc_column_text width=”1/1″ el_position=”first last”]

A reality show that is just people in tiny houses fighting

fighting hipsters


We’ve seen people build tiny houses, buy tiny houses, and decorate tiny houses, but what I really want is a Jersey Shore-style reality TV show in which a 30-something blogger shares a 200-square-foot playhouse with her taxidermist husband and tries to act nice for the cameras while secretly plotting to murder her spouse if she has to hear him poop one more time.

What do you want for your holidays this year? Let us know in the comments.


Similar Posts