8 Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than ‘Fall Crafts’
Here’s the thing. If you like to do crafts, that’s great. More power to you. Me? I’ll be over here with a glass of wine and some SNAX. In fact, there are all kinds of fun things I’d rather be doing.
1. Apple Picking
If I’m going to be expected to do fall-related manual labor, I atleast want to get some tasty, tasty apples out of the deal. You can’t make pie out of CRAFTS, you heathens.
2. Karate Fight
First of all, karate is AWESOME. Second of all, I would rather get kicked in the face than do crafts. Especially themed crafts.
3. Eat Pumpkin-Spiced Everything
The only thing that compares to my annoyance at fall-themed crafting is my LOVE of anything and everything pumpkin spiced. I keep seeing people complain about how everything is pumpkin spiced in the fall (I’m looking at you, Buzzfeed) but you will pry pumpkin spice from my cold, dead hands.
4. Get a Root Canal
The pain meds.
5. Clean Up Kitten Poop
Kittens might be nature’s antidepressant but kitten poop is the worst type of poop known to man (with the possible exception of baby poop). I would rather get my hands dirty with baby cat shit than craft paste, and dammit, kittens are the best. It’s not their fault their poop smells like death.
6. Ride ALL the Hayrides
I am deathly allergic to hay. It’s like my kryptonite — if instead of killing Superman, kryptonite turned him into a runny-nosed, fever-having mess of hate and tears.
7. Visit Pinellas County, Florida
Pinellas County, FloridaÂ has become a sort of DudeBro stronghold. It’s where the best and
brightest smarmiest of the US go to see and been seen/sexually harass women.
8. Getting Throat Punched By Eve Vawter
We all know how much our favorite giver of throat punches, Eve Vawter,Â loves real, actual, not-at-all-hyperbolic or hilarious violence, right? Well, given the choice of getting the old “Vawter one-two” or hot gluing some ridiculous fake leaves onto a pumpkin, I would take the punch any day of the week (and twice on Sunday).