8 Parenting Code Phrases, Translated For Your Benefit
Parents are weird. It’s unclear whether this is a side effect of going for a year or two without sleep, or whether some little-studied aspect of reproductive biology involves a gradual depletion of parental dignity as its leached away by the parasitic offspring. In any case, parents have been known to say some strange and often confusing things in front of and to their children. Here is a basic guide to understanding the nuances of parent-speak, handily translated for your use. (If you are someone’s child yourself, or if you suspect that you have or have had parents, please refrain from reading in order to preserve the sanctity of these parenting code phrases.)
1. Original phrase: “Honey, I have to poop, like, right now.”
Translation: “You need to watch the kids while I go turn the bathroom vents on and scream into a towel until I can handle being around my children again.”
2. Original phrase: “The baby’s crying – I think he wants you!”
Translation: “I need to fob this child off on someone while I still have plausible denial over whether I can smell the load he dropped in his diaper just now.”
3. Original phrase: “Sorry, honey, I think we’re all out of ice cream. Maybe I can get some at the grocery store this weekend.”
Translation: “We are going to eat so much ice cream after the kids go to bed.”
4. Original phrase: “Did you have a tough day at work? You look tired.”
Translation: “You look tired, but hopefully not too tired to get a piece of this after the kids go to bed.”
5. Original phrase: “Oh, is Aunt Janine going to be at your mother’s this Christmas? How exciting.”
Translation: “It’s always an adventure when I can’t put down either my wallet or my wine glass without risking never seeing the contents again. Plus, I can’t wait to explain to the kids who Aunt Janine’s friend Jim Beam is.”
6. Original phrase: “We’ll see …”
Translation: “No.”
7. Original phrase: “Your father and I will talk about it later.”
Translation: “HELL no.”
8. Original phrase: “Your son would like to practice parking in the school lot this weekend.”
Translation: “Either you take the kid driving, or we will have to pay to have my fingernails surgically extracted from the passenger seat armrests.”
