8 Terrible Reasons To Join A Mom Group

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babies in circleI have been pretty vocal about my lack of desire when it comes to joining a “mommy group” (especially ones that involve shopping). But I totally understand why other moms would. Whether you’re a new mom who is just learning the ropes, or a veteran mom who wants some extra support, there are plenty of great reasons for wanting to join a mom group.

That being said, there are also plenty of craptastic reasons for joining. Mom groups should be a safe place where you can go to relate to other women with kids, NOT a Parenting Olympics. Too often, though, that’s exactly what it is along with a cast of other less than savory characters. So if you’re seeking out a mommy group for the following reasons, consider an alternative:

1. You’re looking for a drinking buddy

I’m not saying you can’t bring a bottle of wine (or three) but a group for moms probably isn’t the best place to find a rave companion. And if you don’t think this happens then I have news for you. It totally does. I get the whole Chardonnay mom thing, but real talk? No one wants to see a sloppy parent walking home from Mommy and Me, stroller in tow. Especially CPS. This goes double for hard drugs. Except pot, pot is okay.

2. You’re looking for someone to judge

If your sole purpose in joining a group is to nitpick and judge so you can feel better about your own parenting then I’ve got just the group for you. Take that shit to Chuck E. Cheese.

3. You’re on a crusade to spread the beauty of [fill in the blank] Parenting Movement

Don’t become a Jenny McCarthy of the group. I don’t care if it’s extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting, vaccination research or twerking for babies. No one wants to spend 45 minutes hearing you preach about it unless your group is specifically focused on said philosophy.

4. You want to play the “Baby Olympics” game

What’s that? Your baby is only seven months old and is ALREADY showing walking signs? Hoe-Lee-Sheeeeet! If I cared less I would be legally in a coma. If I wanted to hear someone humblebrag about how much better their baby is than mine, I would hang out in the Baby Center forums.

5. You need professional therapy/counseling

A day off to vent and bitch is healthy. But if you’re only looking for a mom group so you can save on therapy bills, then maybe you should rethink that. There is a limited number of times that anyone wants to hear about how terrible it is that your husband doesn’t like your boyfriend, as unsympathetic as I might be. Same goes for how terrible your mother-in-law is.

6.  You think your kid is always right and you want a chance to prove it

We get it, we get it! Your kid is great. But all kids act up and yours is no exception. If, every time there is a dispute, you go on about how your kid is a special snowflake who can do no wrong, then eventually people will stop wanting you around. And NO, your kid wasn’t just “tired” or “hungry.” I think the word you’re looking for is “spoiled.”

7. You want to re-live high school

I didn’t like the high school drama when I was IN high school and I certainly don’t want to deal with that tomfoolery now. I don’t want to worry about you shit talking me and sexting my spouse. Leave that shit at the door.

8. You want to tell all the new moms your horror stories

There are few things I dislike more than mothers who are eager to tell new moms all their horror parenting/birth stories. You heard about a kid in the next town that died from SIDS? That’s heartbreaking, but I don’t think the sleep deprived lady who gave birth last week needs to hear about that right now.

(photo: Urch)