7 Things That Are More Fun Than Dealing With A Teething Infant

My son is teething right now and there is no reprieve from the madness. The tantrums are fierce and unpredictable, the eating is slow and frustrating, the neighborhood is possibly going to come at our front door with pitchforks if the midnight screaming doesn’t cease, and I’m pretty sure the bags under my eyes are almost bigger than my boobs.

We all know those teething necklaces are a load of crap and I don’t feel comfortable pumping my son full of too many pain meds, so there isn’t much to do except give him a bunch of stuff to chew on and hope for the best. That means long nights of him waking at the slightest noise and buckets upon buckets of drool. He doesn’t really want to do anything except slobber on things, cuddle, and cry. I appreciate the cuddles, but I am downright exhausted. My husband and I were fantasizing the other night about sleeping together and we were talking about actual sleep, not sexy times. That’s how bad it is.

Teething makes me question everything about the supposed wisdom of nature. I mean, how did our ancient ancestors not abandon their babies and throw themselves to the saber-toothed tigers the second this whole process started? Newborns with teeth might seem sort of creepy, but they’d be way better than going through this process over and over again for two to three years per kid. Teething is exhausting, maddening, painful for the poor babies, and it makes lots of other shitty things look downright awesome. Here are seven things that are more fun than dealing with a teething infant:

1. Pointless, repetitive paperwork

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Doctor’s office intake forms, unnecessary job applications, warranties, random surveys — it doesn’t really matter. Just give it to me. What about taxes? Taxes could be fun.

2. Wrangling snakes

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Cobras are way easier to deal with. I mean, if they get rowdy you can just spank them, right? No? Is this guy Batman?

3. Falling in public

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I haven’t fallen in a long time, but if memory serves me correctly it was way more fun than a teething baby, even with all the bandages and rubbing alcohol and humiliation.

4. Being attacked by a wild animal

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You haven’t slept in a week and you look like garbage. Which excuse is more interesting: teething infant or rabid kangaroo? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

5. Watching your dreams disintegrate

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That’s basically what teething is, right? You think everything is going okay and then out of no where, POOF! All of your carefully crafted routines are reduced to a pile of rubble and tears. Hold me.

6. Going to a Nickelback concert

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Holy shit, we actually found something more grating than a Nickelback song: teething infant screams.

7. Slipping on ice

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If I could slip with that much style I’d probably just do that all day long. I would look super cool and everyone in my neighborhood would come out to watch. I’d end up a YouTube sensation and get invited on Dancing With The Stars and then I could hire someone else to take care of my babies while they’re teething.

(photo: Getty Images)

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