Holidays

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: 5 Songs That Attempt To Kill Christmas

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Christmas Eve is upon us and some of you may be making your holiday playlists as we speak. For the love of God and everything holy – don’t destroy the festive mood by playing one of these creeptastic holiday songs. They are the worst, yet they still manage to make it onto the playlists of holiday parties, shopping malls and random holiday events. Why?

1. Newsong, Christmas Shoes

Sir I wanna buy these shoes
For my mama. please
It’s Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size

Could you hurry sir
Daddy says there’s not much time
You see,

She’s been sick for quite a while And I
know these shoes will make her smile And I
Want her to look beautiful

If mama meets Jesus tonight

Dude, just go home and spend some time with your dying mother. Jesus didn’t even wear shoes – he doesn’t give two shits about hers, I assure you. Also – this is the worst video I’ve ever seen.

On a more personal note – I was Christmas shopping with a potential suitor in college when this song came on in one of the stores we were walking through. He started to cry. Clearly, I could never date him again because that’s ridiculous – so thanks for ruining that fling.

2. Any Version Of Santa Baby Not Sung By Eartha Kitt

Santa baby, I’m filling my stocking with the duplex, and checks
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
and hurry down the chimney tonight

Eartha Kitt can somehow get away with this – but no one else can. Stop calling Santa “baby” and “cutie.” Your feminine wiles don’t work on him – he’s asexual. Everyone knows that. Yes, he has a wife – but she just knits and smiles and he’s too busy planning gifts for billions of kids to even think about sexy things. All the innuendo and baby talk makes my skin crawl. Santa is a fictional character who is jolly and fat and brings joy to children. He doesn’t want to hurry “down your chimney.” Wink, wink. Gross.

3. Elmo & Patsy, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

When they found her Christmas mornin’
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back

Okay, so Santa is no longer a magical being who flies through the air powered by the belief of children and Christmas spirit alone, now he’s a shitty driver who careens willy nilly all over town on Christmas Eve and may kill one of your loved ones. Also, Santa doesn’t perform CPR – he’ll just traipse over his victim’s fragile body.

4. Mariah Cary and Justin Bieber,  All I Want For Christmas Is You

I actually love this song, but blech. This video just ruined it for me, forever.

5. Dan Fogelberg, Same Old Lang Syne

I guess this is supposed to be touching? If Dan Fogelberg tells such tediously boring stories in real life,  I seriously doubt he’s ever managed to date someone long enough to consider them an “ex.” There’s a reason she “didn’t recognize the face at first.” Try to get through this song without yawning. I dare you.

(image: Getty Images)