Stuff

5 Of The Most Unsexy Things Dads Do Everyday

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shutterstock_155222741__1382446022_74.134.205.46Our friends at The Stir published an article entitled 5 Of The Most Unsexy Things Moms Do Everyday. Because I’m all contrary like that , I would like to point out that it’s not us moms who are sitting around being all unsexy, it’s the dads who are. Us moms are sexy with a capital S , and The Stir gives us five things we can remedy so our husbands would be more interested in bending us over the bed. Does bending us over the bed include helping us make the bed? Because I don’t know about you, but not helping with housework is one of the top unsexy things a dad can do. So here are five things a dad can remedy so we feel more like bending him over the bed. Or something.

Unflattering clothes have to go: Ok, so I stole this one directly from The Stir article but it’s not us moms who are sitting around in unflattering clothing, it’s the mens who are. Unless they are wearing a bespoke suit (Hi Honey!) or a pair of well-worn jeans and a nice fitting, clean white V-neck t-shirt they can GTFO. Anything else looks stupid. Unless it is a pair of flannel pajamas they have put on after a shower and a long day of cleaning out the gutters. Us moms look totally hot in our yoga pants and oversized sweatshirt, men look stupid unless they are wearing one of the above.

The Stir also suggests we :

Stop nagging. Like yesterday:

Like totally. Like when my husband nags me to do stuff, like it’s a total turnoff. Like I nag him sometimes? Like but I wouldn’t like call it nagging, it’s more like asking nicely? Like if he picks up the trash the raccoons have thrown like confetti all over my like driveway it would be really like helpful.

Question time! Why is it only nagging when women do it? So my suggestion for the mens is:

Get Off Our Ass. (Unless you are bending us like over the bed)

The Stir also suggests we put the phone down.

No, no no no no. I’m sorry, but men, my man in particular, is way more glued to his cell phone than I am. I don’t GAF who is doing what on Facebook, and it wasn’t until I took this job over a year ago that I was required to get a new Facebook because I had rage quit my old Facebook ages ago. I HATE seeing what people are bitching about on Facebook. My husband is always on his phone for work, and now that I’m more important in my job (Haha!) I tend to check my E-mail more frequently, but when it comes to phone usage, he has me beat totally. So I suggest BOTH partners shut it all down after eight o’clock at night and do something far more important, which is watch The Walking Dead.

The Stir also says: Self Care Much? And makes some noise about doing our hair and makeup. The mens don’t have to wear makeup so instead I will demand that they all start manscaping their pubes into adorable teddy bears and kittens for us. Listen, I’m not an expert (But I am a sexpert, zing!) at any of this but here’s the deal, if your partner wants to get busy with you they don’t GAF how much makeup you have on. Everyone should bathe, brush their teeth, and act like they want to have sex. That’s all that’s really needed.

And then The Stir quotes Christina Aguilera.

Because we have magically taken the way back machine or something to 2002 to or something, and talks about how women criticizing themselves is a huge turn off. OK, sure. But that being said, another unsexy thing men do is gawk at other women who walk by in short skirts. Or spend a little too long looking at the Victoria’s Secret catalogues that arrived in the mail. Or DVR the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Or comment on how HOT one of our friends are. Now, my husband doesn’t do this, because he isn’t a mouthbreather, but I know a lot of men do, and it’s lame. And it’s way more detrimental to sexy times than a wife exclaiming “My ass looks big in these jeans.”

It all comes down to this, if you have had a baby with someone, or adopted a baby, and this goes for same sex partners too, chances are your partner wants to do you. It has nothing to do with how you dress, or how much lipstick you have on. We aren’t the enemies to each other and to our sexuality, our kids are. Now if we want to talk about the true destroyer of intimacy in relationships, I can give you 100 Of The Most Unsexy Things Kids Do Everyday, including deciding to have colic and shoving Batman guys in the toilet. It’s these tiny people we gave birth to that are the sex destroyers.

(Images:  Kues/shutterstock)