19 Kids And Counting: This Wedding Was So Sweet We Almost Can’t Snark. Almost.
The big day finally arrived and I can tell you with a creepy Jim Bob gleam in my eye that it was everything I had dreamed of and more. Much like Jill, I have been eagerly awaiting this event for months. Obviously not for the same reasons, but I digress. Let’s get started- there is so much here and it’s all just absolutely delicious. It’s time for the 19 Kids And Counting wedding episode we have all been waiting for!
We start off with the usual- Jill telling us she is getting married, Michelle, wild-eyed and breathy, explaining that this is THE FIRST DAUGHHHTER to get married. I really wish she would drop the act with the soft voice. I have heard her on the edge, about to snap, and I found it far more appealing than the fake shit. We hear again from Jim Bob how sad he is to lose his household help daughter to her new Spiritual Leader, Derick Dillard. Now, I need to tell you- Jim Bob was in some state of verklempt for most of this episode and by the end, I just wanted to punch him in the nose. You’ve gotta do this for eight more daughters, buddy- pull yourself together.
We learn that over 200 volunteers came to help set up for this wedding. 200 volunteers! That is how many people came to my wedding TOTAL. The wedding planner was all thrilled and saying how wonderful it was and all I could think was how much more wonderful it would have been if this happened at a soup kitchen or something. This is a wedding for a wealthy reality show family- it’s not a charity.
We get a brief, creepy interview from our favorite paunchy 26-year old, Josh Duggar. He waxes poetic about how he can’t believe his baby sister is getting married. We get a little more bitterness from him later, so stay tuned. For now, he’s being kind of sweet and I almost forgot that I saw him on Twitter this weekend standing in front of a banner reading “1 Man + 1 Woman= MARRIAGE”. It’s easy to forget the ugly underbelly of this “wholesome family” charade so I am reminding you. You’re welcome.
Anna Duggar starts talking about something but it doesn’t really matter what because all I can think about is how HOT she looks. Good for her. Her husband gets more and more unattractive and she is getting cuter every week. And I want to know what fundie voodoo birth control she is using to stay unpregnant for this long. I love this unspoken story line so very much. The idea that she is somehow tricking that doughy goofball into not getting her pregnant makes my heart sing. Four for you, Anna Duggar. You GO, Anna Duggar.
Jill starts talking about how tough it is planning a wedding with such a short engagement but *wink wink* she and Derick have extra big motivation for getting hitched. (Hint: The Sex). I love that this whole timeline is dictated by their aching virgin loins.
Now, everyone be warned- this one and only paragraph is quite serious and my snark is on pause. We find out that Derick’s mother is so sickened from her chemo treatments that she cannot attend the rehearsal dinner and being at the wedding is in question. She is at the hospital and very weak with a compromised immune system from the chemo. You guys, my heart truly broke for Derick. If you’ll remember, he already lost his father during his first year of college so I’m sure the idea of being parentless is weighing on him heavily. To their credit, Michelle and Jim Bob handle it beautifully and pray for her sincerely, looking very upset for Derick. These people might be different but they sure do love each other and I have to give props for that. They showed Cathy in the hospital and she looks so sick. This is just very sad for Derick and his family- my heart truly goes out to them and I hope she is doing well now.
Ok, unpause- the snark continues. Time for the rehearsal and Michelle starts barking out orders for where everyone will stand up on the altar. Separated by boys and girls, obviously- we can’t have anyone busting out into full-on sex on the altar. Poor Jill just stands there looking bewildered while her mother takes the reins. I wonder if this girl will ever get a chance to make any decisions in life? I am hoping Derick allows it– she is smart and kind- she deserves to be in charge now and again.
Time for a creepy Jim Bob story! Jinger tells the camera how Jim Bob has been coming up to the girl’s room lately and just standing there crying in between whining about how he can’t believe Jill is leaving. OMG DUDE, get a grip! She is 23 years old! Anna seems a little eye-rolly (YESSS) when she notes that she has never seen him cry so much but that he is smiling from ear-to-ear in between sobs. Joy Anna notes that it will not get any easier as the girls start getting married because “there will be less daughters in the house”. Ok, that gave me a serious case of the douche-chills.
Now, here is the bitter Josh Duggar nugget (dugget?) I promised you earlier. One of our amazing readers did a brilliant synopsis in last week’s recap comments of their predictions for the wedding and specifically noted that there would be a Josh interview where we would see his irritation with what a big deal is being made of Jill’s wedding as compared to his. Well, dear readers- the prediction (and consequently, all of my wildest dreams) came true when he came right out and said it! He told the camera how Jim Bob basically dumped him out of the nest and wished him luck but he’s blubbering all over Jill and so emotional about HER wedding. Careful, Josh- your unchristian side is showing.
We hear from Jill about how they are only serving snack foods for the reception because it’s an afternoon wedding and they are doing it on a budget. On a budget? The multiple book deals and reality show money coming in and they have to serve crackers and root beer floats to their 1000 guests? Okie doke. Oh yes, the root beer floats- they were Jill’s one and only request for her wedding planner and of course, the cause of some major Duggar Drama. Some asshole left the freezer door propped open for a while causing all of the ice cream to melt. Whoopsie.
Here comes a whole bunch of Jim Bob creepiness so you may want to mosey on to the next paragraph if you don’t want to lose your breakfast. Or punch your computer screen. It is mentioned that Jill is going barefoot for the ceremony and of course, Jim Bob has to get in a “barefoot and pregnant” dig. Jill says he is already teasing her about giving him grandchildren and she says they will not prevent pregnancy in any way. BRING ME THE SMELLING SALTS! I AM SHOCKED! Jill and Jim Bob start walking down the aisle for the rehearsal and he tickles her and I almost lunged through the TV screen- get your fricking hands off her, you creep. God, he’s squicky. In voice-over, Jim Bob says he has “the hardest job” because he has to give away Jill. Ick. He is also super psyched about the little arrangement the couple made with him for the vows- that he could be the one to tell Derick he could kiss the bride. PUKE FOREVER. Why does he care so much?? Oh, he also jokingly says at the rehearsal that HE can kiss the bride right now, but obviously, Derick cannot. Props to Derick for not slugging him in the face.
Ok, I just showered to wash off the dirty from typing that out. The rehearsal dinner is kind of sweet. Michelle is careful to note in her opening remarks that this dinner is hosted by Derick’s mother but that she cannot be there. She then passes the microphone to Derick and asks that he pray with the group for his mother. He is visibly distraught and I just want to give him a full-frontal hug. Poor guy. Such a happy time yet, a tragic and scary time also.
They all dig into a dinner of beef brisket made from Derick’s father’s recipe, which I thought was really sweet. Family members take turns talking about Jill and Derick. Josh notes that Jill’s sweetness as a baby is probably what convinced his parents they could have 19 kids. Derick’s brother Dan gets up to talk about his brother and my God, is he adorable. He says that he met Jill before Derick did because she came by his mom’s office to meet her before going to Nepal to meet Derick (follow that?) Of course, he says he liked her right away. He starts to tear up saying that even though their parents aren’t there, he can speak for them and say that they are all very proud of Derick. This is where I started to cry. God dammit, Duggars.
Thankfully, Michelle made my tears dry right on my cheeks with the announcement of the pointless engagement reenactment film the kids made for Jill and Derick. Why can’t this family just let the couple have their moment in the sun? Why do they all feel the need to insert themselves into the spotlight somehow? So strange.
And now, the wedding morning is here. Jill and Derick decide to buck tradition and basically, spend the entire wedding day together. I will admit- this choice bummed me out. I really wanted them to see each other for the first time at the altar. They call Cathy and find out that she is going to be able to attend the wedding and this just made me super happy. The joy on Derick’s face would crack the hardest of hearts. I am genuinely glad his mom got to witness him getting married.
Jim Bob is still blubbering like a baby and truly needs to get a hold of himself. I feel like he is really taking away from Jill’s day and making it all about him. He gives another speech to the camera about how Jill and Derick made their own courtship standards and he tells them they can kiss all they want and “be joined at the mouth” once they get married. GROSS, MAKE IT STOP.
Jill shaves Derick’s face, which is kind of adorable. Jim Bob is still creeping around the bridal suite, Jesus, why won’t he buzz off? Michelle actually looks lovely- her dress is very typical and modern mother-of-the-bride but still, modest. For some reason, we see Jim Bob drag Ben out of the changing room by his tie. I guess only he can creepily peep on the girls getting ready. Ugh, barf chunks rising again.
The little boys are questioning Derick in the boy’s dressing room about whether he is nervous- he squirts some cologne on Jackson, which is adorable. Jackson ends up running notes back and forth between Jill and Derick. I must admit- they are so obviously in love. Jim Bob the World’s Creepist Yenta might have gotten it right matching them up. The groomsmen are all standing around awkwardly chatting. No alcohol, which is just so foreign to me.
Jill emerges in her dress to oohs and aahs from everyone. Rightfully so- she looks like a damn angel. Everyone is crying and Josie is thrilled with the “spahkles” on Jill’s dress. Jim Bob is clearly a hot mess once again and there are side hugs all around. Jim Bob says she’s the most beautiful bride and I agree- she looks amazing.
Jill and Derick do a “first look” and you guys, their deal is just so genuine. He is ridiculously in love with her and she is glowing from within. The only problem is- I wish they could REALLY hug and kiss. I can’t take it anymore with the stilted moments that should be totally natural between two people who love each other that much. A kiss or hug between them could never be a sin, married or not. Derick even says “if I could kiss you right now, I would” and it made me super sad. This courting thing is lame.
Cathy is in isolation because of the germ potential with such a big crowd. Jill and Derick go in to see her and my stupid eyes well up again. She looks so proud but she is in a wheelchair and obviously not feeling great. This is so unfair to Derick.
Everyone is assembling for the ceremony and OF COURSE, Jim Bob has to bring the narrative back around to himself. He and Michelle got married at this very church 30 years ago. He says it’s where the “Duggars got started”. Let this girl have her wedding day, you attention whores!
Jim Bob is verklempt, yet again, talking about losing his Jilly Muffin. I am ignoring him at this point, as should everyone else. Everyone is crying and in voice-over, sweet Joy Anna says she was crying especially hard because she was so glad Cathy could make it. What a sweet-hearted and thoughtful girl she is to think of that. She is my favorite Duggar for a reason.
The processional begins and it is pretty cute. The little girls are carrying tiny blackboards and each has one word making the phrase “here comes the bride”. The little boys roll out a white covering for the aisle right before Jill steps out. I will admit- my heart was kind of racing at this point. A Bates daughter is going absolutely cray on the piano playing the bridal march and HERE WE GO! Jill and Jim Bob make their way down the aisle and the ceremony is fully underway. Their vows are super heartfelt and we see Michelle making crazy gestures at the little girls to stay quiet. I love seeing her facade crack when the kids misbehave- it is just fantastically satisfying.
Of course, Jim Bob creeps up to the altar just in time to say “you may kiss the bride” and BEHOLD- the world’s most awkward kiss ever of all time. After that, it is all just so amazing- they LITERALLY sprint down the aisle. Obviously, toward the promise of The Sex but also, for their very first unchaperoned moments. Very happy for Jill- get it, girl.
Time for creepy interviews with various family members speculating on when babies will happen. Anna says something about progress toward babies and I think this girl is desperate for someone else to be in the trenches with her. Derick and Jill can still barely bring themselves to full-frontal hug- it’s as though their bodies are trained to repel each other.
Derick and Jill give speeches to the crowd in their cement wedding venue- it’s like, literally, a parking lot. I guess not many places lend themselves to a gathering of 1000 fundies and their tubs of root beer floats.
Jessa notes in voice-over that babies will come soon speculating that it takes “probably around nine months to construct one of those things”. Ladies and gents, I present to you, Christian fundamentalist home-school biology lessons. Jim Bob starts needling Ben about proposing and he is practically licking his chops at the thought of another daughter procreating.
We have reached the end and Jill looks drunk off love and sugar from one too many root beer floats. Time for their escape and The Sex! They break out in their vintage truck and the dashboard is covered in dollar bills that were clearly not spent on condoms. They drive off into the sunset, anticipating their full two minutes of missionary sex. Good for them.
Come back next week! This wedding may be over but next week’s episode holds the delightful promise of Jessa and Ben’s undoubtedly awkward engagement. There are always Duggar doins’ for us to obsess over.
(Image: Twitter)
