19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jill Has A Mansion And Jessa Has Mold

duggar lead image

They’re baaaack! That’s right, our favorite fundie family to hate on had their season premiere last night and BOY, is there a lot to talk about. Jill is married, Jessa is engaged and Jim Bob is still creepy as all get out. Everything has changed and nothing has changed-it’s Duggar Equilibrium (Duggarlibrium?) Anyway, let’s get started dissecting this week’s episode of 19 Kids and Counting.

Of course, we kick things off with a rehashing of everyone’s martial status, because that is all that matters in Duggar-land. Other than babies, of course. Jim Bob rambles on about having to part with his possessions daughters as they go off and get married. We go over Jill and Derick’s first kiss again and are reminded that they kiss like 9-year olds on the playground. We then cut to Derick in interview all wide-eyed noting that he and Jill went from just holding hands the morning of their wedding to living together that night. I feel like there is more than awestruck incredulity here. He clearly realizes there is something wrong with that picture but naturally, he’s been programmed not to say so out loud. I think Jim Bob sends him some kind of shock-wave from the wings when he’s about to make sense.

We segue into a scene of Jill and Derick in their new house and guys, their kitchen is baller for a Wal-Mart accountant and his unemployed bride. Ah, to be on Jim Bob’s Good List. Jessa wasn’t so lucky but we will get to that later. For now, let’s all ready our barf buckets because these crazy kids just will not quit with the awkward fish-lipped kisses. I mean, I see they are happy and good for them, but it just couldn’t be any weirder for the viewer. Just…gross. TLC even registers a helpful Kiss Count and it reaches nine in a span of 10 minutes. They were cooking beans for dinner. Who wants that many kisses amid bean fumes? Oh, Duggars. Never change.

Jill and Derick talk about how strange it is now that Jill is in a household of two instead of 20. She apparently talks really loudly because she is used to having to shout to be heard and she is having trouble making food for a pair instead of a crowd. I find it important to note that your barf bucket should still be at the ready because they eat sitting right next to each other. Like, practically in each other’s laps. And they are eating beans. Who wants to cuddle whilst eating the magical fruit? Derick talks about how awesome chaperone-free life is as he goes in for kiss number nine. While Jill has a mouthful of beans. I am honestly ready to hork.

Now, it’s time to talk to Jessa and Ben. Jill’s wedding is over and Jessa is engaged, so she and Ben are “planning” their wedding. I use quotation marks because listening to them talk, it could not be more clear that this is just a front for the TLC cameras. They know nothing. Literally nothing. Jessa plunks a few keys on her adorbs pink laptop while Ben says “uhhhh we gotta have a practice wedding too, right?” Ladies and gentlemen, I present, an 8th grade home-school education.

Jessa babbles about what an “amazing” guy Ben is and how “amazing” their proposal was. Everyone, let’s pray on getting Jessa a thesaurus. One with real words in it, not just God words. Girlfriend needs to diversify her adjectives.

They talk about the need to stick to a budget for the wedding and Jessa says not a budget, just spending as little as possible. She does not want a cake, only ice cream. And hot dogs will be served. I can’t make this up. They are doing my job for me at this point. Jessa says they can use Jill’s old decorations and estimates they will invite “1300 or 1000 people.” Michelle stops over to weigh in (which was not at all staged and prompted by the TLC production crew) and is all wide-eyed amazement at Jessa’s “opinions.” Like, that she has them. Jessa is officially the Duggar Rebel.

Jessa states that she wants the wedding at the Duggar home and Michelle looks a bit taken aback noting that the septic system had issues during Jill’s wedding and that was just with visitors, not the reception being there. Jessa obviously gives not even a single fuck and goes on to tell Michelle about how she wants “no mints, no cake”, just ice cream. While Michelle’s Crazy Eyes go huge, it becomes clear that Jessa’s had about enough of her shit. She gives the world’s most irritated chuckle and Ben looks bewildered. All of this womanly subtext is way below his level of understanding. I think if his brain waves were printed out in words it would just say “boobs….Cheetos…..cars….Jesus….booobies….” He’s not working with much upstairs, for sure.

Now this is the part where I got a little irritated. They talk about how they spend $10-20K on their weddings. That includes everything-decor, dresses, food, drink, band and whatever else. They invite over 1000 people. I’m sorry, but to invite that many people and spend $10-20 a head? It’s one thing if you need to keep the budget super low and want to only invite your nearest and dearest but this is such a disgusting cash grab, it makes me sick. If they want to stick to a small budget, invite less people. So tacky, Duggars.

Moving on, Jessa and Ben take several tiny sibling chaperones on a trip to see the house Jim Bob is gifting to them post-wedding. It was Anna and Josh’s house when they first got married. It’s like, where all the magic happens for Duggar newlyweds (again, barf bucket.) As they are walking through, they note mold in several rooms. Maybe that’s why Josh is losing hair so rapidly. Five years in this place and it just started to burn off from the mold fumes. This place is basically a shack compared to Jill’s palace and this is not lost on the viewer. TLC made a point of interviewing Jessa where she notes that Jill and Derick got the bigger house because it’s closer to Derick’s work. She then goes into a spiel about benefits of small house life, namely, not having to clean it. Yeah, guys. I don’t know about you, but I would definitely prefer the moldy hovel over the HGTV Dream Home, amirite? Oh, Jessa. You tried.

As they walk through the house, Jessa narrates Josh and Anna’s time there. She points out a nasty mattress and mentions how Anna had their babies in that house. My God, Jim Bob. These kids are moving into the Duggar Love Shack. At least give them mattresses free of baby juices from their older siblings.

So, Ben is allergic to mold and looks positively disgusted by this whole situation. I feel you, Ben. When someone tries to give me a free house, I definitely get upset at the things I might have to fix to make it habitable. Jessa says if they can’t get rid of the mold, they may need to find “someplace else to live” but with Jim Bob holding the purse strings, I’m thinking that would mean back in Ben’s creepy barn attic bedroom. Hey, they could make like Mary and Joseph and literally have their first baby in a barn! So authentic.

Jill and Derick are going to have all of the little Duggar daughters to their house for a sleepover! They have been married a whole two weeks at this point-why would they want to be alone together when they could be surrounded by shrieky little girls? Jill goes shopping for some dress-up clothes for them to play with and boy, is she thirsty for a baby. She ventures over to the tiny clothes and starts plucking them off the racks to google over. Poor Jill. Be a 23-year old newlywed and go home and have sex with your husband, Ned Flanders.

The sleepover is pretty adorable. Of course, there are numerous references to how this is preparing Derick for fatherhood. Because what else do Duggars do? Derick paints their fingernails and they eat chocolate fondue. They read them Bible passages and send them off to sleep. How lovely-Michelle gets her night off from half of the kids she insisted on having and Derick gets parenting practice.

Back at the compound, Joyanna is laid up in bed because she’s just had her wisdom teeth removed. Michelle mentions how Joy seems to be enjoying “the break” and having the little kids wait on her. Jesus, Duggars. Kids have to get giant teeth violently wrenched from their skulls to get a little R&R? I can’t even with these people sometimes.

Back to the sleepover, Josie is enthralled and never wants to leave. Probably because she is a name and not just Kid #19. Jill spoon-feeds her and she seems delighted at the attention. Jinger stops by to pick them all up (again, where dafuq is Michelle) and takes them home.

Jessa is surrounded by the women in her family as she messes around online looking at bridesmaid dress options. She sees one she likes and says it’s around $100 but that she was hoping to have it be even cheaper. Awesome Grandma Duggar pipes up and says “isn’t that about standard?” and Jessa gives her a look that could turn her to stone. MAN, she’s over it with this whole “20 opinions on her every move” nonsense. I can’t say I blame her. Of course, Michelle says she likes the dresses with longer sleeves and the little girls attempt to explain modest dress in an interview segment, which is sad. The boys note that there really are no modesty restrictions on men (of course) and Michelle is all “teehee but no tight pants!” and for once I agree. Because I do not want to see a line-up of Duggar boners at this wedding.

The finale of the episode is Jill and Derick’s big pregnancy announcement, a whole 20 minutes after their wedding. They drop by for an impromptu visit during the family’s Bible time, which again, does not seem AT ALL staged by the TLC production crew. Jim Bob and Derick engage in a lovely side-hug, lest The Boob be tempted. The couple are welcomed and Jill launches into her lines confession about how she “stole” something from their house the day before. Jim Bob looks like he may smite her where she stands until she admits it was a pregnancy test. And it was positive! Everyone freaks out and runs to congratulate them. Side-hugs all around. Except Jessa, who appears to be seething with bitterness. Ben helpfully notes that “they beat us…again” and Jessa looks like she may strangle him. Ah, young love.

The episode closes out with Jim Bob doing some quick math, trying to figure out how many Christian Soldiers his kids might produce for them. He thinks it not out of the question for them all to have 10 kids each and that would amount to 190 grand-children. Because that’s normal. Whatever, I am done for tonight with these people.

That’s it for this week! Join us next week where it would appear that Jessa is trying on wedding dresses. I can’t wait to see Michelle burst into flame when she picks the sinful pink one instead of pristine white.

(Image: Defy Media)

Similar Posts