19 Kids And Counting: Cousin Amy Has A Music Video And It’s A Hot Mess That You Can’t Stop Watching
Well, this is the end of the road, my fellow Duggar hate-watchers! Last night was the season finale and I must admit, I was underwhelmed at first. The entire episode centered around the Duggar’s Cousin Amy and her misguided quest for success in country music so we did not get our usual dose of Duggar doins’ but this episode had it’s own brand of magic. Because you guys, she did a music video. I will include it when the time is right but I must warn you- you cannot un-see it. Alright, put on your sinful Lady Pants and get ready for our final recap of 19 Kids and Counting!
First off, to understand the vibe of this episode, you need to know that Cousin Amy’s tale of trying to make it as a country music star is eerily reminiscent of the movie Glitter, but for fundies. Instead of overcoming a turbulent and volatile childhood a la Mariah Carey, she has to overcome being a Duggar. And also, having no real talent to speak of. It’s a tough climb, no doubt, and beyond painful to witness.
We start off with a trip to buy a dress for Amy as she is performing on a dinner cruise somewhere on water in Arkansas (no idea what body of water that might be, geography is not my strong suit). She brings along her mother and Grandma Duggar for opinions and notes right off the bat that she’s only humoring them by trying on what they pick out. She is so bad-ass. Obviously, Grandma Duggar wants her in a shroud from head to toe but we all know Amy is the Sinful Duggar who regularly wears pants in public so that’s not happening. She heads to the dressing room with her pile of clothes and starts the fashion show.
Of course, she is not at all down with the stuff the ladies have picked for her and ends up with a super racy blue mini-dress with lace cut-outs. I feel like wherever Jim Bob was at that very moment when she stepped out of the dressing room in her devil’s clothing he got a case of the vapors and had to lay down for a few minutes. He sensed it because he knows whenever a woman in his family is being a whore.
We get our quick fix of legit Duggars in interview with Jim Bob saying Amy is “a talented gal”, and I don’t know why, but it creeped me out. I mean, I guess we don’t really need a solid reason to be creeped out by Jim Bob but this was extra squicky. Sweet Joy Anna says Amy is amazing and Michelle says that Amy should enjoy what she’s doing with her whole heart, which is kind of nice. I feel like whenever Michelle talks about Amy she is all wide-eyed as if describing an animal at the zoo. This girl, who actually has The Fun and dares to wear pants and defy the menfolk, is simply fascinating to her. I love it. You do you, Amy. Keep freaking out your fundie family.
Here comes Amy’s dinner cruise performance and the level of Cringe is off the charts. She slowly steps on stage and greets the crowd and gets ready to sing. Only, the music does not start and there is nothing but awkward silence and a small crowd of dinner cruise blue-hairs looking bewildered. This is the part where I figured Satan was punishing Amy for her sinful attire by effing up her music but then, it kicks on. And I decided that some other-wordly power was probably trying to rescue us all from the pain of hearing this girl sing.
Brief Real Talk Time. Now, this is where I am being a little mean, but honest. Kind of like Simon Cowell only I’m a girl, not British and not a bajillionaire. Honestly, this girl cannot sing worth a damn- she is about as good as that girl in your high school choir that could get parts in the musicals but never the lead role. And definitely nothing beyond high school. She does not, in any world, deserve a record deal. But TLC is apparently keeping Amy’s hopes alive so they have this little plot point to revisit now and then and I think it’s extremely sad. She should know right this very minute that she is not talented enough to sing professionally and this is only giving her false hope. Once the Duggars are off the air (which it looks like could be a possibility sooner rather than later), she will have no chance of success.
Back to business. It is Amy’s birthday and she is at the Duggar compound crafting her very own doughnut cake. I think The Paunch’s ears just perked up all the way from Washington D.C. at the sound of doughnuts being removed from the box. Some Duggars are helping her with the cake and frosting play ensues. And yes, this is exactly as revolting as it sounds. Johannah (aka “Hannie”) gets frosting on herself and JESUS H CHRIST Jim Bob threatened to lick it off her before TLC scrambled and cut to a new scene so I’m going to assume that happened. I also had the vomit chunks rise from witnessing Jim Bob VERY clearly flirting with his niece, Amy. I think her wild ways of pants and independence bewitch him.
The best part of this whole episode is when the white elephant in the room is addressed- the fact that Amy just reached the geriatric age of 28 and is not married or a mother. She says she is perfectly fine with this and accepts that it will all happen on God’s time. She clearly gives no shits and I realize she is the Duggar’s resident feminist. I am actually really glad the daughters spend time with her because maybe they could see how awesome it is to have a real life and not just wait around to be paired off with a husband.
We now meet Amy’s music producer, Jamie Slocum. Who looks exactly how you would expect a washed up music producer pushing a distant Duggar relation to record execs would look. Something about him is definitely skeezy and he is not at all nice to Amy, which made me pretty ragey. YES, she sucks, but isn’t that kind of understood for him? That this whole “my singer is on a highly rated TLC show” is probably going to be the highlight of his pitiful career? Just sit back and enjoy it, buddy. Soak it up. Pretty soon, you will be back to twiddling your thumbs and being completely irrelevant.
He gets her in front of a panel of record company execs to sing a little ditty and my God, it’s horrific. This is the ultimate example of Duggar privilege at work- there is no way this girl would be doing this if she had any other last name. First of all, at 28, she is hardly the country-singing-ingenue type her douchey producer is billing her as. Second of all, she is so absolutely terrible I don’t know how they kept a straight face. She does her thing and is met with a round of golf claps and “that’s nice.” This poor girl. The performance is not at all record label-worthy but they start giving her tips to improve. Uhhhh if she is going up in front of them to possibly get a record deal, she should NOT be needing advice to improve. This is giving me a huge case of Second Hand Embarrassment. Please stop using talent-less Amy Duggar as a plot device, it’s mean.
It is time to film Amy’s music video and the vibe is tense. Her producer is annoyed because she doesn’t know the words and her mom is pestering him about it. He snaps at her that it’s not his job to get her to know the words and frankly, he is right. Amy is being super whiny about it saying she hasn’t sang this song in months and Jamie basically shuts her down telling her to never talk that way in front of anyone in the industry. He has a point. The filming begins and I don’t want to spoil it before you’ve had a chance to see it but you guys, she looks like Blossom. The hat. The vest. I was laughing to the point of nearly choking on my wine. You need to see it to believe it.
So, here it is: the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Amy Duggar’s music video debut. She has planned a viewing party with some of her friends and is very excited, which sort of breaks my heart. Again, she is being totally misled. She is far from the world’s worst singer but probably ranks somewhere around the fifth or sixth best in the average mega-church choir. Amy expresses concerns of being a laughing stock and darling girl, you are spot on. I am worried my second hand embarrassment may actually make me feel ill and I’m definitely not the one in the fringed vest wearing a floppy hat. View with caution- you will never be the same:
Are you ok? Should I pray for you? I am still recovering because it was just too much for me all at once. Even with audio engineering her voice was barely passable. Ugh. I hope someone tells her the hard truth very soon so she can move on to a new endeavor, hopefully, not just getting married and waiting for babies. She seems like a sweet girl and I want something good for her.
Ok, that’s it for now! I am going to continue to keep up with our favorite 19 kids and also, the Bates family and Anna’s brainwashed sister Priscilla so even though the season is over, we can still stay informed. Thanks for reading! It’s been fun!
(Image: Defy Media)
(Video: TLC)
