Pop Culture

19 Kids And Counting: Cousin Amy Has A Music Video And It’s A Hot Mess That You Can’t Stop Watching

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Well, this is the end of the road, my fellow Duggar hate-watchers! Last night was the season finale and I must admit, I was underwhelmed at first. The entire episode centered around the Duggar’s Cousin Amy and her misguided quest for success in country music so we did not get our usual dose of Duggar doins’ but this episode had it’s own brand of magic. Because you guys, she did a music video. I will include it when the time is right but I must warn you- you cannot un-see it. Alright, put on your sinful Lady Pants and get ready for our final recap of 19 Kids and Counting!

First off, to understand the vibe of this episode, you need to know that Cousin Amy’s tale of trying to make it as a country music star is eerily reminiscent of the movie Glitter, but for fundies. Instead of overcoming a turbulent and volatile childhood a la Mariah Carey, she has to overcome being a Duggar. And also, having no real talent to speak of. It’s a tough climb, no doubt, and beyond painful to witness.

We start off with a trip to buy a dress for Amy as she is performing on a dinner cruise somewhere on water in Arkansas (no idea what body of water that might be, geography is not my strong suit). She brings along her mother and Grandma Duggar for opinions and notes right off the bat that she’s only humoring them by trying on what they pick out. She is so bad-ass. Obviously, Grandma Duggar wants her in a shroud from head to toe but we all know Amy is the Sinful Duggar who regularly wears pants in public so that’s not happening. She heads to the dressing room with her pile of clothes and starts the fashion show.

Of course, she is not at all down with the stuff the ladies have picked for her and ends up with a super racy blue mini-dress with lace cut-outs. I feel like wherever Jim Bob was at that very moment when she stepped out of the dressing room in her devil’s clothing he got a case of the vapors and had to lay down for a few minutes. He sensed it because he knows whenever a woman in his family is being a whore.

We get our quick fix of legit Duggars in interview with Jim Bob saying Amy is “a talented gal”, and I don’t know why, but it creeped me out. I mean, I guess we don’t really need a solid reason to be creeped out by Jim Bob but this was extra squicky. Sweet Joy Anna says Amy is amazing and Michelle says that Amy should enjoy what she’s doing with her whole heart, which is kind of nice. I feel like whenever Michelle talks about Amy she is all wide-eyed as if describing an animal at the zoo. This girl, who actually has The Fun and dares to wear pants and defy the menfolk, is simply fascinating to her. I love it. You do you, Amy. Keep freaking out your fundie family.

Here comes Amy’s dinner cruise performance and the level of Cringe is off the charts. She slowly steps on stage and greets the crowd and gets ready to sing. Only, the music does not start and there is nothing but awkward silence and a small crowd of dinner cruise blue-hairs looking bewildered. This is the part where I figured Satan was punishing Amy for her sinful attire by effing up her music but then, it kicks on. And I decided that some other-wordly power was probably trying to rescue us all from the pain of hearing this girl sing.

Brief Real Talk Time. Now, this is where I am being a little mean, but honest. Kind of like Simon Cowell only I’m a girl, not British and not a bajillionaire. Honestly, this girl cannot sing worth a damn- she is about as good as that girl in your high school choir that could get parts in the musicals but never the lead role. And definitely nothing beyond high school. She does not, in any world, deserve a record deal. But TLC is apparently keeping Amy’s hopes alive so they have this little plot point to revisit now and then and I think it’s extremely sad. She should know right this very minute that she is not talented enough to sing professionally and this is only giving her false hope. Once the Duggars are off the air (which it looks like could be a possibility sooner rather than later), she will have no chance of success.

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