19 Kids And Counting: Ben And Jessa’s European Honeymoon, ‘An American Derp In Paris’

Bonjour, Duggar fans! Last night’s episode was positively, out-of-control amazing. My voice is still hoarse this morning from laughing so hard. Ben and Jessa had their European honeymoon and it was everything I was praying on and more. I watched it while chatting with some writer friends and one of them dubbed it “An American Derp In Paris”, so I cannot take credit for that, but here goes the rest. Time to recap this week’s continental version of 19 Kids and Counting!

We open with Ben and Jessa carting their laundry to the Duggar family compound. Apparently, their mold-infested dream home still isn’t ready for them to bump uglies 24/7 so they’re living in a hotel for the time being. As it turns out, that pesky mold turned into a whole-house problem and the family is planning to fix it for them while they’re touring Europe. The newlyweds outline their itinerary — Paris, Rome, Venice — dispense side hugs and bid farewell to the family. I am so God damned excited I can barely see straight. Ben. In Europe, guys. Holy shit.

Jessa and Ben are back in their hotel room packing for the trip and this is where things went full-throttle amazing and never looked back. Ben had a book of French phrases he was working on. Ben. Reading French. Friends, the boy has BARELY mastered rudimentary English. JE SUIS DERP. I was dying on my couch. He talks in voice-over about how easily he and Jessa have fallen into being affectionate and I’m all duh, you’re 19, so many boners. Of course it’s all going swimmingly in that department.

Ben continues to butcher the French language with abandon as they arrive in Paris. They walk by the CHOMPS DUH LEEZAY and also, the ARCH DUH TRIUMPH. I swear to you, it was just as bad as you’d think and also, glorious all at once. This episode, in a nutshell, is why people hate Americans.

They arrive at a restaurant for their first dinner and Ben immediately announces “We’re ‘Merican” to their server, because his Men’s Wearhouse 3-piece suit and incredible French talk wasn’t enough to get that across. Ben and Jessa are delivered a big platter of escargot, which of course, bitchy Jessa turns her nose up at. Ben is a bit more adventurious here, really soaking in the culture, and decides to go for it. He announces that it “tastes like chicken” and is a bit chewy while Jessa continues to make a stink face until the waiter comes by to take it away. They then scale the Eiffel Tower where Ben expresses a fear of heights and Jessa basically says “cool story bro” and makes him go to the top. It was reminiscent of Josh forcing Anna up that tall building in Chicago when she looked like she may die of fright. The Duggars are pushy assholes in all ways, it would seem!

Meanwhile, back in Arkansas, the rest of the Duggars are working on renovating Ben and Jessa’s lovenest. They have a LOT of work to do to turn it from Mold Palace to Livable Space and Jim Bob has all hands on deck for the job. He blabbers a little about making sure all of the kids know life skills and whatever and Jinger mentions how she plans to fuck up painting a few cabinets and I giggled. I mean, she didn’t say fuck. But I know she wanted to. #freejinger

Back to Paris and my God, the TLC production people must have had an absolute blast filming and editing this episode. It is full of cheesy accordian music to accompany Ben and his foreign foibles and they seem to go to great lengths to highlight his derpiest moments. Glad to see they’re in on the joke.

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Ben decides to surprise Jessa on a bridge over the Seine by presenting her with a specially engraved “love lock” to attach like so many other couples have done. The lock is made of iron and gignatic so of course, one of my fellow Duggar hate-watchers decides it’s the lock to Jessa’s chastity belt. That is where I started laughing and I am still waiting to stop. Ben is clearly thrilled with himself for this sweet, romantic gesture and in true Jessa fashion, she only barely gives a shit. It’s ok. Ben loves them enough for both of them. They make out for a minute to seal the deal and then head back to their hotel where Ben undoubtedly relieves his Le Boner with Le Sex.

Time to say au revoir (or OH REE VOIRE in Ben-speak) to gay Paree and head on over to Rome where a chef is giving them cooking lessons but first, violates Jessa with an exuberant kiss on each cheek. Ben seems more amused than irritated but Jessa is NOT having it. Resting Bitch Face on FLEEK. Flash to an interview with The Boob back in ‘Merica and he’s all “the Bible says to greet with a holy kiss but not in Arkansas.” Whatever, asshole. This cooking school is eerily reminiscent of the one the Olive Garden chefs supposedly attended back when those commercials were happening and the food they prepare looks like OG fare. Very Americanized and coated in mozzarella cheese. Obviously, Derp is all about it. Jessa talks about how she isn’t the greatest cook and Ben says he distracts her a lot so she burns things. Damn teenage boners, ruining all the food.

Now, the newlyweds are boarding a train to travel from Rome to Venice. They seem to have no clue where they’re going so I’m wondering if they’ll end up in Siberia or something. Ben is doing his online class homework on the train and talks about his plans to enter ministry after getting his community college degree. It must be nice to have goals for the future other than “fill uterus.”

Back at home, the ladies are all shopping for items to decorate Ben and Jessa’s home and Michelle is a loopy lunatic in a thrift shop. She wants to buy basically everything and it’s her daughters holding her back. Buying used and saving the difference, whatever. But don’t buy ALL the used things, Michelle. Put those Fundie Eyes back in your skull and keep your eye on the prize.

Ben and Jessa now board a water taxi upon their arrival in Venice. They soon entree the PIZZA DEL MARK-O (thanks, Derp) and try feeding the pigeons but are promptly attacked by a good three dozen of them. I was praying so hard Jessa would get Italian bird dookie in her glorious locks but no such luck. Maybe God doesn’t love me as much as he does the Duggars.

They do a little vintage shopping and Jessa mentions that Italian vintage is a bit more expensive than ‘Merican thrift store, in case anyone was wondering. This is the part where my friends and I got bored and started guessing all the ways Ben tried using the bidets that were probably in their hotel rooms. Playing with his trucks, trying it as a water fountain, using it to style his hair. I’m sure Jessa had her hands full on this trip is all I’m saying.

Back home, they are still feverishly getting Ben and Jessa’s house in shape for their arrival and someone busts a picture frame. Michelle gets sappy about “you can have kids or things, not both” blah blah boring. Back to Venice.

Derp leaves the vintage shop with an amazing bowler hat on so that basically “caps” it off as the best episode this season (see what I did there?) and now, it’s time to make out on the water taxi and head home.

During the commerical break, we get to hear from Ben and Jessa about their big pregnancy announcement and Ben is all “It could be a boy, or a girl or BOTH” and I swear, he was thinking OR MAYBE IT COULD BE A LIZARD. Bless your heart, Derp. Please don’t ever change. Jessa is just past her first trimester and feeling good, so yeah for her.

The big finale is the announcement of Josh and Anna’s newest spawn, which we’ve known about for months. Jill videos Anna surprising Josh with the news and of course, she borrowed one of Jill’s pregnancy tests because all Duggars have those laying around like tampons or whatever. Josh keeps saying “we’re” pregnant and I want to punch him FOR Anna. She looks excited but it might just be the Fundie Fembot coming out. I really feel like she was happy with three kids. Oh well.

Back at the Duggar compound, Ben and Jessa are home from their honeymoon and thrilled with the renovations to their house. Now, Boob is presiding over Bible Time, as he claims to do every evening. He goes through the roster of how many kids, kids-in-law and grandkids they have and as he’s struggling to count that high, Anna pipes in with her and Josh’s big news. You know, the stunning, SHOCKING news that a couple who doesn’t use birth control and has set out to have all the kids the Lord will give them is ACTUALLY PREGNANT again. SACRE BLEU and eff these people.

That’s it for this week! Next week looks a bit upsetting. Josie has a seizure and my sweet Jana is freaking out, of course, since Josie is basically like her own child. I got a big lump in my throat during the preview so be ready for next week. Have a great week, guys!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: The Wedding Looms And Jessa Continues Her Anti-Cake Campaign)

(Image: DefyMedia)