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19 Kids And Counting: Jim Bob Gets To Play Police Officer And Ben Is Dumber Than Ever

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Last night’s episodes of 19 Kids and Counting were illuminating, to say the least. We learned the true extent of Ben Seewald’s stupidity and also, just how bitchy Jessa’s Resting Bitch Face can be. We also found out that John David is just as boring as we always thought and that Josh is looking older and sadder by the day. Get ready to hear the play-by-play of the most character-driven episodes of this sorry show I’ve ever seen.

It seems that a running theme in these episodes was boys doing “girl” things and girls doing “boy” things. I’m guessing TLC is trying to make them seem less rigid and focused on gender roles, but when I saw Michelle operating an excavator in a long denim skirt I decided that was a TLC fail. She was spending time with John David, who occasionally does construction work as one of his many talents. Guys, John David has zippo personality. I’m sure he is a super nice person but there is a reason that last night’s episode was the first one where he was a featured player and that’s because he is not interesting at all. Like, watching fly paper collect flies is more exhilarating than listening to him speak.

So, this episode heavily featured Boring John David for some reason. I’m wondering if he will be a’courtin soon so TLC thought they should endear the audience to him so we will all be invested in his wedding like we were with Jill and Jessa’s? It’s never going to happen. They will never make John David happen. We go through a series of family interviews with all of them singing his praises and Jim Bob saying he will make a “great catch” for some lucky young lady one day and I say yes, if she wants to be bored to tears for the rest of her life. He is basically a model Duggar from his family’s descriptors-helpful, tender-hearted, able to fix things, steady personality. Sounds fascinating!

He helps Michelle operate the excavator and it’s so obviously just for the cameras and not at all entertaining. She says she enjoyed spending time with him and blah, blah schmaltzy Duggar bullshit. Let’s move on to something more fun, shall we?

Ben and Jessa. Jessa and Ben. The prom king and queen are getting married and I just cannot stop laughing. They are looking through photos from last week’s engagement session trying to pick one for their wedding invitation. Ben is struggling hard to put together some fancy sentences for the teevee cameras and Jessa is only barely containing her eye-rolling. It is glorious to witness. Josh is going to be designing their invitation and Ben asks how many he’s done before, to which Jessa replies, just one. Suddenly, Ben has quite the discriminating eye for graphic design, apparently. In the end, the decision is too hard for them so they decide to let Josh take the wheel (along with Jesus, of course) and pick the photo to use himself.

Ben goes on a weird tangent about how he’s been inviting random strangers to the wedding and I honestly cannot tell whether he’s kidding but Jessa answered it with “well, we will have to buy an extra box of hot dogs.” I truly can’t even make this shit up.

Jill and Derick (Derick who recently tried to maim a cat with his sled, by the way-he’s earned a spot on my shit list) head over to visit Derick’s mom, Cathy. And just so you all know, I am now officially done ever saying anything nice about Derick. He thinks it’s funny to hurt innocent animals so he is now a piece of garbage to me. Shitty Derick tells the camera about how his mom is undergoing new treatments to prevent her cancer from returning and she has to travel to Nebraska to do it. Jill makes some cheesecakes and assembles a big care package with her favorite snacks, which was nice. But let’s not forget that Jill is in love with a horrible man who thinks it’s funny to terrorize innocent animals so I guess she’s garbage too by association. She blabbers a little about her morning sickness, and sorry, I don’t give a shit now. Moving on.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Jessa’s Dress And Planning The World’s Most No-Fun Wedding)

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