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19 Kids And Counting: The Big Birth Special That Only Included Five Minutes Of Actual Birthing

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This was it, Duggar “fans!” The moment we’ve all been waiting for since Jill Dillard barely let the pee dry on her pregnancy test before telling the world that she and Derick had successfully fornicated. We finally got to see the whole lead-up to Israel David Dillard’s birth! It was everything and nothing all at once, as is the usual with this show. Two hours long and only maybe the last 20 minutes were focused on the birth, which was fine, because there was plenty of funny filler in the hour preceding it. Alright, everyone — fill your birthing tubs, get a badly-timed pedicure and settle in for this week’s recap of 19 Kids and Counting!

We start off at Jill and Derick’s house where preparations for their tiny messiah are in full-swing. They are hosting the troop of mid-wives for a little palace tour so they know what corridor to head down when it’s go time. Derick casually mentions that they’ve procured a blender in case they decide to grind up the placenta afterward and I vomit a little into my vodka because, come on. Derick keeps saying “we” are pregnant and talking about how overwhelmed he is and while I sort of sympathize, my instinct is to kick him square in the junk. This is all Jill gets in life — to be pregnant and have babies. Let her have her moment in the sun, Derick.

The mid-wife meeting continues and we see Jill’s GORGEOUS bathroom. Honestly, Jim Bob outdid himself here. There are numerous options for the moment of the birth including a giant tub, a shower that could fit half the Duggar family and as Jill so helpfully points out, a toilet. Because, sure. Michelle tells the camera that Jill probably knows too much because of her experience as a mid-wife and that she’s on information overload. I would agree as Jill pulled out a birth plan as thick as a book. They talk about how Jill wants to labor at home for as long as possible and how Derick wants to “catch” the baby, which I know is all part of the Bradley birthing method but I can only picture Derick with a catcher’s mitt waiting. Because I’m a jerk.

Now, it’s time for Michelle, Queen of All Things Uterine, to wax poetic about all of her births. This part was so boring I nearly gave up to paint my toenails but she did have some nice advice for pregnant moms that was surprisingly non-judgmental. She talked about her first few births and how the interventions used caused her to try natural birth for Jill and that it worked best for her as far as recovering. She was not preachy at all, I was pleasantly surprised. She said whatever works for each mom and baby is what should be done. Now, if only she could apply this to abortion, the transgender population and gay marriage I would actually like her as a human being!

Now, in the most staged scene of the whole episode, Michelle sits Josie down and explains that they’re giving her “baby bed” to Jill and Derick. Baby bed being a crib, but they talk to Josie like she’s two years old even though she’s five and it’s making me want to throw up. Of course, they know she’s their last child so they probably baby her quite a bit more than they should but she’s a smart little girl. They should talk to her in an age-appropriate manner.

Anyway, they go on a mad hunt for the crib, as The Boob has lost track of where he stored it in their giant compound. They eventually locate it and holy shit, it is CHEWED UP. I know my kids definitely did that to our crib but come on, Jill and Derick want this for their first baby? With all the reality show money they have rolling in they have to use this nasty eight-year old crib with chew marks? Booo Duggars. I don’t approve.

At this point, it is really obvious to me that Michelle still has wicked baby fever and is not at all ok with being done having children. That’s sad to me. She’s been defined for years by her ability to pump out babies and now that she’s older and hasn’t gotten pregnant in so long, it’s sinking in for her. Hopefully, the grandchildren will soothe her urge and make her feel less sad about being done.

Meanwhile, at the Dillard palace, Derick is thirsty for this old-ass crib. It’s only a week before their due date and the nursery isn’t even started yet. How in the world did this happen? They shared the pregnancy news at first blush! So weird. Boob and Michelle come over with Josie and help them assemble the chewed up crib. They basically wing it with no instructions and just start sticking in bolts willy-nilly. Michelle says she “thinks” it’s solid, so great! Good luck, Baby Dilly. I hope even as an infant you inherit the carpentry skills of our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. You may need them at 2 am when your shit falls through.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jessa Can’t Turn On Her Oven And Derick Learns To Daddy)

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