19 Kids And Counting: In Which Jessa Can’t Turn On Her Oven And Derick Learns To Daddy

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Duggar hate-fans, please fasten your seat-belts and place your tray tables in the upright position, because we’re about to take off. This won’t compare to the epic honeymoon episode of last week but there were still many moments of pure, Duggar WTF for us to giggle over. Jessa attempts to operate an oven, achieving an impressive degree of Fail, while Derick and Jill prepare for their new bundle of joy by observing Josh and Anna in their natural fundie parenting habitat. Ready? Let’s go. All of the best (and worst) from last night’s 19 Kids and Counting.

Jessa and Ben have returned from butchering the French language on their honeymoon and are getting ready to move into their new house. We learn that Pimp Daddy Jim Bob took them shopping for all new furniture, carefully noting that the deals they got were similar to buying used. I certainly hope so, Jim Bob. Jessa got the mold den while Jill got the palace but as you’ll remember, Jill got the old fart-filled, used couches so I guess the least he can do is buy Jessa new furniture.

Michelle tells the tale (again) of how thrilled she was to marry The Boob and mentions how just sharing a tube of toothpaste was exciting to her when they moved in together. And also, she remembers thinking they could even share a TOOTHBRUSH if they wanted to and I was all HOLD UP that’s so nasty, what kinky oral hygiene shit is she into? Keep your mouth off my toothbrush, Jim Bob.

Jessa blabbers about the differences in living with only one other person compared to life on the compound and Derp says the biggest adjustment was figuring out the thermostat settings in order to make them both comfortable. You’d think that would be all he would say on such a mundane matter but then, he goes into a stunning Forrest Gump-esque spiel about how in the summah, you need da air conditionin’ on but in da winter, you need da heat. Oh my God, you guys. I think all the post-marital boning is slowly depleting his last clump of brain cells. Send help. Or Jesus.

Derick and Jill are traveling to Washington DC to visit Anna and Josh. The TLC spin for plot line purposes is that Derick is learning how to be a daddy by observing The Paunch for a few hours. Seems legit. Tons of creepy fish lip kisses while they pack and we learn that Jill is 31 weeks along at this point and Anna is 16 weeks. They arrive at the house and it is quickly decided (probably by TLC producers) that the ladies will stay home and create “vision boards” for their labors and the menfolk will take the kids grocery shopping.

As Derick and Josh loaded the kids into the car, I noted that it was quite the swanky SUV with leather seats, outfitted with new Britax car-seats. I guess you can afford to go all baller and shit when you stop paying taxes for four years. Oh yes, I went there. Derick basically shoves the kids into the car through the trunk and is totally stumbly with buckling them in. He says at least he didn’t use duct tape. Splendid. Our boy has a lot to learn from old Joshy.

They arrive at the grocery store and let the kids run wild, for the cameras, I’m sure. Derick looks hella awkward holding a baby and the older kids let him know it. Kenzie is running all over the place asking for everything she sees, as kids are wont to do. Josh gently tells her no to all of it and kinda earns points because it sounds like he’s maybe done this before, not just for the cameras. Derick tells Josh he can’t imagine doing this on his own someday with three kids and says he will have to work up to it. Well yeah, dude. That’s kind of how it works unless the good Lord blesses you with multiples.

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Ben And Jessa’s European Honeymoon, ”˜An American Derp In Paris’)

Flash to Jill and Anna back at the house. Anna gushes over how much she appreciates having “someone” take the kids off her hands for a while. Someone? You mean like, THEIR FATHER? Whatever. They do some super staged-sounding pregnancy shop talk about cravings and morning sickness. Jill talks about how she threw up trying to make Derick’s sandwiches for his lunch every day and I’m all shit, Derick. Make your own damn sandwiches. If I were Jill, I would have spread a little barf on the bread but I’m not Jill, just your average horrible person.

Michelle is interviewed about HER pregnancy cravings because we can’t talk pregnancy without touching base with the queen of all things uterine. Of course, she was super into pickles and says that’s probably why her kids are into them too. And I again giggle at the wonderfulness of a phallic food being the Duggar’s #1 fave.

The guys are finishing up at the grocery store and Josh shows the kids pig feet, which, vomit. Kenzie says they’re “gwoss” and girl, I am with you. They check out and leave and it’s then that I pray that just ONE person in the store thought they were a same-sex couple out with their children. Is that so much to ask of Denim Jesus? I think not.

Time to check in with Jessa at Chateau Seewald as she prepares the first dinner in their new home. Ben is “at work”, which I’m guessing means climbing trees or playing with Tonka trucks for a while at her parent’s house, and she is on her own trying to figure out how to cook. She starts off with a bang by pre-heating the oven. She says that when cooking at her parent’s house, she would just stick the food in the oven and turn it on but now, she’s trying to do it right. Atta girl. She gets it going and starts putzing around a little before noticing a funny smell. Guys, she never took the blue plastic tape off the racks and left the fucking owner’s manual in the oven. It was melting all over the place. She plucks out what she calls a “glove thingie”, otherwise known as an oven mitt, and removes it. I can’t even judge because at her age, I could hardly boil water but I definitely laughed my ass off.

Continuing on, she says she doesn’t have a potato masher yet so she uses an actual hammer. Like, a hammer you would use for nails. Only for potatoes. Still with me? Good. Ben arrives home from work and it’s time to stage awkward kisses for the camera. They sit down to eat and talk about how easy it was to fall into all the physical stuff. Again, why are we surprised that kids still in their teens and early 20’s are down with kissing and sex? Whatever. Ben says the food was delicious and I thought sure, because he probably does eat plastic now and then recreationally. After they eat, they are both standing right in front of the cameras while Ben stammers out a “thank you” to Jessa for cooking and they have another creepy kiss. TLC goes a little far sometimes with the forced scene endings and these guys are horrible actors. My cringe was through the roof on this one.

Back at Anna and Josh’s house, the whole squad is sitting down to eat the dinner that the boys cooked. Anna marvels at how edible it actually is, fundie eyes ablaze with appreciation. Derick again pats himself on the back for figuring out how to buckle a car seat while Anna affirms that being with the men is more fun than doing vision boards and for once, I agree. Because I think I would need a gun to my head before ever making a vision board.

Moving on, the girls’ room at the compound is being redecorated. Duggar family friend Cindy (whom you may remember as the friend who took Michelle to the gym the weekend of their high school reunion) is on hand to assist, as she knows about colors and whatever. Jana talks about how their bedroom is too “little girly” and needs to be updated and you guys, I want to get this girl a fabulous apartment in a big city so badly. Can you imagine being 25 years old and forced to share your bedroom with a passel of kids? #FreeJana

Jim Bob goes into a creepy monologue about how the girls’ room has always been his favorite room in the house and that he has so many memories there. Why, Boob? Why do you have to be so creepy all the damn time? He’s so moony-eyed over the horse mural on the wall and I’m all DUDE you’re like, 48. And a man. STOP IT. Michelle says he’s just sad that the girls are growing up, which is weird, because unless they’re Benjamin Buttoning, his boys are growing up too. Why so much more emotional over the girls? I guess it’s really tough replacing that free household help once they fly the coop.

Time for Jill to go shopping for nursery decorations and she takes Michelle and Jessa with her. They’re at a super posh-looking baby boutique and none of it looks used to me! I’m thinking this was swag from TLC or from the baby store for the publicity. I know expensive baby stuff when I see it (because I could never afford it) and this is some seriously pricey gear. Jill claims to be nesting, which I think is just a 20-year thing for Duggar women, while Michelle prattles on about how different things are now with baby furniture compared to when she had her babies. They end up picking out a rug, a glider and bedding with Michelle squealing all the way. Watch out, Jill. She might climb a ladder through your palace window and steal your baby up.

There is more whining from Boob about the wall mural being painted over but Cindy won’t hear of it. There is some creepy sexual tension between the two of them, for sure. I can see it from Boob’s end because Cindy is pretty smokin’ but how on earth anyone besides Michelle could be attracted to Jim Bob is beyond me. Maybe he puts out a musk that cannot be detected through a TV screen that’s like cat nip for Christian women. Shudders. Anyway, they paint the room and pick out new bedspreads and curtains. Jessa comes over to check out the new room and talks about how much she misses the nights of girl time talking with her sisters. I guess her nights are now spent putting out Derp’s boners so I guess I can understand her longing.

Anna has her first midwife appointment for baby number four and it’s a really boring scene so I won’t go into it too much. Josh talks about how much different this pregnancy will be without their family there to support them and having to go to a new midwife than the one they used in Arkansas. By his tone, you’d think babies are literally only successfully born in Arkansas. Weirdo. They bring all of the kids to the visit and Kenzie gets to hold the doppler, which is precious. She’s very excited. All is good with the baby, end boring scene.

The episode ends on a scene that was difficult to watch. As alluded to in previews last week, poor Josie has a seizure. Jim Bob and Michelle were at a conference out of town so Jana and Grandma Duggar were in charge. Guys, it made my heart race to witness it. Josie was turning blue and Jana’s panic put tears in my eyes. She loves that little girl, no question. The paramedics came and rushed her to the hospital. Jana said she seized for close to 10 minutes, which is pretty bad as far as I know. They check her over at the hospital and she’s released the next day. Thankfully, she seems ok. Michelle says that sometimes when she spikes a fever, a seizure comes on. So terrifying. She gets home and Jessa envelopes her in her arms and her and Joy Anna give her a bath. One thing I can say about this family — they really do love each other. I snark and I giggle and I make fun but at the end of the day, they do take care of each other. Mark this occasion, because it will probably be a year before I praise them again. I am sincerely glad that Josie is ok. As a parent, it broke my heart to see her that way.

Tune in next week as it’s time for Jill’s big birth episode! Knowing how it ends makes me sad for her but I’m still excited to see! Have a great week and thanks for reading!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Michelle’s Wild High School Years And Ben And Jessa’s Wedding Registry Of Horrors)

(Image: DefyMedia)

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