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19 Kids And Counting: The Jessa And Ben Wedding Extravaganza

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Time for the rehearsal dinner and this is where I positively lost it. They served chili, you guys. A bunch of people about to sit through a church service the next morning ate pounds and pounds of chili. Obviously, Jessa and Ben also ate it so hello, farty wedding night. Who in the world is all “I know! They’re losing their virginity tomorrow, let’s go with the gassiest, stinkiest fare possible!” They’ll have enough brand-new bodily terrain to deal with that night without also having to suppress a million farts each. These poor kids. Anna expresses concern that Josh won’t make it the next morning with his flight while Ben’s mom, Guin, blubbers over how much she loves the Duggars. She made a memorial table for the dinner honoring Jim Bob and Michelle’s deceased fathers, which was really sweet. She seems relatively normal, I like her.

Jim Bob gives a creepy speech where he gushes over how amazing and also, how SIMILAR Guin and Michelle are. Well, duh. They’re Fundie-Bots. Is there really much differentiation there? Jinger gave a speech and she was too sweet. She obviously loves Jessa and is very sad for her to leave home. Jinger gets my award for most genuine Duggar. The girl has a huge heart and although they’re doing their level best to extinguish that light in her eyes, it’s still there. Jingersnaps, kiddo. We end with Derp struggling through his speech because, literacy. The main take-away is that he and Jessa are very excited to ditch the chaperones because now it’s time to bone, ya’ll!

The wedding morning has FINALLY arrived and of course, Ben and Jessa are together because they can’t stand to spend a moment apart. Jessa talks about her excitement for their first kiss and that she wants it to be “slow and romantic”. Holy hell, Jessa — have you been reading 50 Shades Of Fundie? Dirrrrty girl. Derp’s only concern is the potential for bad breathe, which after last night’s chili onslaught, I can’t say I blame him. He says he’s equipped with mints and spray so Jessa better be ready for his freshly-scented, inexperienced, fish-lip kiss!

It’s apparently freezing outside in November (can you even stand it?!) so Sierra is frantically attempting to procure outdoor heaters for the reception. Now, I realize this is Arkansas, but it’s not freaking Aruba. Did they really not have a contingency plan in case a November day was slightly chilly? Oh, and they also plan to serve ice cream outdoors in 40 degree temps. Guys, this sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare as a guest. Here, take out that trash and then, you can eat ice cream in the cold. Oh, and no alcohol. God dammit, Duggars.

Jessa and Ben part ways after she does his hair and finishes off with a healthy dose of hair spray, of course. These two kill me. Derp reiterates that he will be surprising Jessa with her wedding band and she’s surprising him with her dress. Derp also mentions in passing that he forgot the rings and I doubt anyone is surprised. I’m impressed he’s made it this far, like, even arriving at the venue. Good thing Jessa’s so organized — she will be keeping track of him for the rest of her life.

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