19 Kids And Counting: A Very Duggar Football Game And A Jessa Retrospective

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Welcome, sports fans! Literally! Last night’s episode included a very special retrospective of the life of Jessa Duggar interspersed with very special moments from a Duggar family football game that was supposedly a bachelor/bachelorette party, but the girls all sat in the stands and watched while the men-folk did the fun stuff. Which is basically a metaphor for Duggar married life so, appropriate? Anyway, let’s dive right in to this week’s 19 Kids and Counting!

As per usual, we open with the retelling of how amazed Jim Bob and Michelle are that they are giving away another daughter and I’m always left wondering why. I mean, what else are they prepping these girls to do with their lives? Is it really shocking when they are leaving home and getting married in their early 20’s? This is what Duggar women are bred to do! Anyway, last night, they got poor Jana into the whole “new season of life” conversation with her also expressing her amazement at another sister escaping getting married and moving out. Now, Jana going to college and blowing off her Cinderella duties would be the REAL shocker.

Jessa and Ben are just *so* attached that the idea of separate bachelor/bachelorette festivities was vastly unappealing to them. They decided to do a big football game with everyone hanging out together. Silly me, I assumed that meant the girls would play too since it’s only flag, not tackle, but no. The girls just got to chat on the bleachers while the men played the foosball. Lame.

Most of this episode is dedicated to a look back at Jessa through the years. Mostly, we learn that she kicks butt at packing a suitcase which is fitting because she always looks like she can’t wait to get the frick out of the family compound. They talk about what a “handful” she was growing up, which I think is Jim Bob-speak for “having an opinion”. Jessa is obviously the family bad-ass and it was never more evident than last night where she unleashed some serious sarcasm, a language I don’t believe the other Duggar daughters have ever dabbled in. She talks about how “affectionate and loving” she is while rolling her eyes as they show her pushing a sibling down to the floor. Oh my God, I love this girl.

Jim Bob talks about “training” a strong-willed child and I basically spit vodka everywhere. I hate that term so very much in relation to kids and it’s one that keeps coming up with these people. You train a dog. You raise a child. Of course, I don’t want ill-behaved children but their compliance is not highest on my list of most important personality traits. Jim Bob gets so moony when he talks about Jill and what an easy and compliant baby she was. As sad as it makes me that Jessa married an unemployed teenage derp, I’m glad she got out of her father’s home. It is obvious that the best parts of her are not truly appreciated by her family and are instead seen as potential weaknesses. Yuck.

We got a fantastic montage of old-school Duggar footage before they discovered main-stream clothing and flat irons. I’m in love with the clumsily made matching dresses and gigantic bangs. I respect the old-school Duggars a lot more because they were living their truth. Now, they are a commercialized and hypocritical bunch of attention grabbers. I’m sure the Lord is proud. Anyway, Michelle blabbers about how Jessa’s big role with the little kids was tutoring them during their home-schooling sessions. Michelle talks about how her goal all along was to “work herself out of a job” by getting the older kids to teach the younger ones. At least she’s being real about it now. And also, probably panicking that all of her free help is moving out. Grow up faster, Joy Anna! Momma needs you!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: The Wedding Looms And Jessa Continues Her Anti-Cake Campaign)

On to the football game, which Jessa says was the “perfect” idea for their shared bach party. Yes, you guys — instead of going out and having a great time, my ideal evening is sitting on bleachers watching other people have fun. Ugh, Duggars. Dugh. Derp looks like he’s waited his whole life for this moment and he’s all giddy when he and Jim Bob are named the team captains. It might be the vodka talking but when someone picked Joseph and he came striding over, I was all DAYUM and then I googled his age and remembered he was thankfully, over 18 because this is Duggar Deja Vu. I had this exact same moment when he played chauffeur for Jessa during her Derp engagement scavenger hunt. He is seriously adorable, some good Christian girl will snap him right up.

Jim Bob jostles me out of my melty Joseph reverie by being a complete fucking creep saying if Ben “gets” Jessa, he can at least win this football game. Oh my God, jerkweed — she is not a prize to be won, nor is she a possession. I positively loathe the way this guy talks about women. He rambles on about a father-daughter camping trip he took the girls on a few years ago and says how important it is that a dad spend time with his daughters. That, I do agree with. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.

In interview, the little girls talk about how football is “a boy thingie” and I got a bit sad. So many things are boy things for these girls. Derp is pumped, his team scored first. We then get a little segment about Jessa and Jinger’s BFF-ship, which is pretty cute. A Duggar fact I was unaware of is that they are the Duggar siblings closest in age who aren’t twins. I love that they are close because they are obviously the two most bad-ass Duggars. Back to the game, and Derp says things are starting to unravel as Jim Bob intercepted a pass Derp threw. Jim Bob says he might be approaching 50 but that he can still whip the young ones. Ew.

At the game, a pink football is being passed through the stands that all the girls can sign for Jessa. You know, so she can remember the momentous occasion of not actually playing football at her bachelorette party, but watching her husband play. Can you guys tell I love playing football and this bothered me immensely? Anyway, time to gush over Jessa’s organizational skills because it sounds like that is what her family will miss her for the most. What a legacy for a vibrant, 22-year old woman. Who will pack the suitcases now?!

Jessa talks about how she’s learned to appreciate having a schedule and a plan because it’s how Michelle always handled things. She took over the scheduling aspect of Duggar life as a teen and now Michelle will have to fill that role with another daughter from the pool. Obviously, Jinger can’t be trusted but maybe Joy Anna? Michelle also mentions that Jessa really “flowered” during the crisis of Josie’s incredibly premature birth. Doing the math, I figured out that Jessa was only 17 at the time. Michelle says she organized everyone for a temporary move to Little Rock where Josie was staying at the hospital until she was well enough to go home. I’ve gotta say, I’m impressed. That is a huge responsibility for a teen to take on.

Yet another scene devoted to Jessa’s packing skills. They really couldn’t come up with anything else to highlight here? They talk about how she once forgot socks and underwear for eight of her brothers. Oops. There was also a flashback of Jessa packing a million pickles for a road trip. What is with these people and their pickles? I do love that the Duggars pick such a phallic food as their family favorite. Of course, they don’t see the hilarity but me and my vodka do.

The next scene was of Michelle and Jessa going sky-diving for Jessa’s birthday and knowledgeable student of the Duggars that I am, my first thoughts were “In a skirt?” and “They can be attached to a non-spouse male frontally?” My questions were swiftly answered as I saw them both IN PANTS and then, jumping out of a plane while frontally attached to male sky-diving instructors. You guys, I was dying. I mean, the pants had to happen — even God can’t fight gravity so I’m sure He understood that skirts are not modest for sky-diving. But the being strapped to dudes thing? Absolutely amazing. Their discomfort was palpable. On landing, they could not detach fast enough. Was that like Jessa losing her virginity? Does Derp know she’s already had a man’s loins pressed against her back for several minutes? I’m blown away.

Now, for a five-minute segment about the origins of Derp. We hear about his “small” family where he is the oldest of seven kids. I wonder if Jim Bob has concerns about sperm quality and the strength of his yearnings considering that low reproductive yield? I’m sure it’s all been addressed in the marital negotiations, but still. Here’s hoping Derp’s boys are up to the challenge set before them. His mom talks about how he’s always been one to counsel his younger siblings and blah blah blah. Then, his dad talks about how well he “responded to training” and again, vodka everywhere. He might be a Derp, but he’s a human being! Stop talking about him like he’s a circus animal!

Ben talks about the first time he met Jessa and that he knew about the Duggars but never thought he would meet them let alone marry one of them. His mom says she was not terribly encouraging at first because she assumed there were men banging down the Boob’s door for a chance with Jessa. His mom says he wrote the rules for courtship himself and that it wasn’t something she and his father encouraged. I’m sure Jim Bob did the writing since Derp is quite possibly functionally illiterate but now I’m just splitting hairs. We see the creepy scene where Derp, Jessa, Michelle and Jim Bob are locked in some tiny Duggar office and they officially ask for permission to court. If my eyes aren’t tricking me, Jim Bob is recording this on his phone. Is this some kind of contract and he needs proof? Or is this for family memory purposes? You honestly never know with these people.

They emerge from the office and announce to everyone they are courting and the room erupts in cheers. This is so weird. They are only teens, seems like a lot of pressure. As we know now, it all worked out but can you imagine announcing to your whole family at that age that you are “officially” dating someone? My parents were lucky to hear a guy’s name back then let alone a formal announcement of our intentions. We hear from an assortment of Duggars why Jessa and Ben are “perfect” together and yeah, whatever. Ben has a penis and was Jessa’s ticket out. Done deal.

We close with the end of the football game, which Boob’s team won, and Jessa is gifted her lame pink football to commemorate her bleacher party. Jessa and Ben nearly engage in another Devil’s Hug and you guys, Ben is SO thirsty for that kiss. Their wedding night must have been a clumsy wreck — I can smell the eager from here. We get some blabbering from Michelle about how Jessa has been trying to learn being wifely and cooking because she will want to stay home with her kids one day, of course. There is more “season of life” talk and everyone laments the eventual departure of Jessa from the family den. The End.

Join me next week when we edge ever closer to Ben and Jessa in creepy matrimony!

(Related: 19 Kids And Counting: Michelle’s Wild High School Years And Ben And Jessa’s Wedding Registry Of Horrors)

(Image: Defy Media)

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