I’m still recovering from last night’s episode of 19 Kids and Counting and I may be for a long while to come. The sights these eyes have seen cannot be unseen and for that, I am full of a deep regret and shame that no amount of praying could rid me of. You guys, Josh Duggars’ blurred out butt crack made a highly disturbing cameo in this episode that was supposedly focused on the big gender reveal of his and Anna’s fourth child, but no. This episode is now about the time I stared, slack-jawed, while my last shred of innocence was violently torn away. Join me now. We will all get through this together.
This episode starts off in Anna and Josh’s living room with an in-home gender reveal ultrasound because, of course. The technician sets up her equipment and Anna lays on the couch, modesty intact thanks to a big blanket on her stomach that I’m sure did not at all make the tech’s job harder. Josh has just returned from his work of depriving people of their basic human rights and is paunchy and tired as ever. Honestly, he looks 46 years old. I’m not sure his digestive system has seen a vegetable yet in 2015. He looks like he adheres to an all meat and tater tot diet. Lucky Anna!
Before the ultrasound, we see Anna on the phone with Duggar Family Party Planner Sierra. Because duh, of course they’re having a big, dumb party to reveal the gender. The Duggars will keep this girl in business for the next 30 years or so. #Blessed.
They do the ultrasound and in interview, little Kenzie says “it was so special” in perfect fundie-bot voice so it’s evident that her brain-washing is taking beautifully. Paunch is all excited to learn the gender but Anna tells him of Sierra’s plan to surprise them at the party, so the gender is written on a piece of paper and sealed up tight. I was really hoping the tech would be One Of Us and write “unicorn” or “dolphin” just to fuck with them but alas, no dice.
Of course, this big party means Josh and Anna have to travel back to Arkansas but that’s not all! Michelle and The Boob are going to care for their little ones while Josh and Anna head to California for a little trip on their own. Before they leave, Anna checks the dishwasher and discovers that Michael has filled the soap pod with dish soap. Not dishwasher detergent but actual Dawn. God, she’s so patient. Maybe it’s the cameras but I couldn’t have managed to stay so calm had my kids been messing with the dishwasher. Four for you, Anna. You go, Anna.
They arrive at the Duggar compound to great fanfare. Michelle and Boob are of course SO EXCITED to babysit their grand-babies and Boob is all “second honeymoon, *wink wink*” and I’m like RELAX, Boob. This uterus is already doing the Lord’s work. No need to spill the seed for another several months.
Before leaving for California, Josh and Anna pop by Jessa and Ben’s house, which used to be their house. It’s basically the Duggar Family Teenage Newlywed Boink Palace. God, so gross. Here, have lots of baby-making sex in this house within the same walls as your siblings before you. I wouldn’t shine a black light anywhere in there, Boob! Josh walks through the rooms and I detect a hint of envy as he notices all the baller upgrades including a new tub. The kids seem a little confused about how their old house looks so different but no one is having trouble processing this quite like Derp who cleverly notes the house is “the same…but different”. I swear I saw smoke coming out of his ears as he tried to work it out. Jessa, better make some flashcards.
Josh and Anna are on their trip and are strolling the Santa Monica Pier. They see a ferris wheel in the distance and if you’ll all remember, Anna is not a fan of heights. Naturally, Josh insists they try the ferris wheel because he’s a huge douchebag. They flash to a scene a few years ago where Anna honestly looks like she might be having a panic attack at the top of a ferris wheel and I just can’t even. Why does Josh keep pushing her? Thankfully, this time goes a lot better than last with Anna noting that this ride feels more secure and less rickety than the last one. Phew.
Before they hit up the ferris wheel, they stopped at a ring toss game where Josh almost instantly wins a giant teddy bear. Obviously, Duggar privilege is at play because we all know that doesn’t happen until you’ve played 50 times and Josh is not exactly the most skilled at carnival games. They haul away the huge stuffed animal with Anna wryly commenting that they left the kids to go somewhere alone and now, they’re stuck carrying around a giant bear. I love when she gets bitchy and annoyed because there’s hope she hasn’t gone total Fundie-Bot just yet.
After the ferris wheel, they happen upon a flying trapeze. For a moment, I was wondering if Paunch was going to make Anna trapeze while pregnant but even if her husband commanded it, I doubt the trapeze people would allow it. She tells them she’s “conveniently pregnant” and can’t do it but Josh is going to give it a shot. Guys, this is where I got out the eyeball bleach and I’m still rinsing. You see, Josh is not exactly a little pixie dangling from that trapeze. He’s The Paunch. He is not flexible. He is not agile. He struggles just to hang on let alone do any fancy moves. Watching him try to bend his knees I’m instantly struck by the visual of trying to fold a bowling ball in half. It’s just not happening. Until it does. And that’s where I poured one out for whatever TLC production person had to BLUR OUT HIS ASS CRACK for the show. That’s right. Paunch’s plumber crack was on fleek and obviously, had to be obscured for the viewing public. I will never, ever be the same.
Meanwhile, back at the family compound, Michelle is in her glory surrounded by the little ones. Jim Bob says it hearkens to “the good old days” where they had smaller children in the house and I’m all MORON, Josie is only five. I guess it only counts if you have a baker’s dozen around that age. Whatever, they’re having a good time, I guess.
Sierra arrives and briefs the crew on the plans for the big gender reveal. She explains that they’re going to “flock the yard” with 200 fucking lawn flamingos and I’m literally shouting WHY at my TV. Honest to God, these people are out of their minds. It’s just a gender reveal, not a parade. Of course, the flamingos are all pink but Sierra says they’re going to paint 100 of them blue. Seems reasonable and not at all a total waste of time. The boys get to it trying to make it happen but Jim Bob can’t find his paint sprayer so they’re forced to use regular paint brushes, which is taking 5ever. Jackson comes up with the brilliant idea of dipping the flamingos into the buckets of blue paint and it ends up pretty messy and Sierra’s pissed, whatever, I got bored.
Back in California, we get a little bit of pro-life propaganda as Josh and Anna visit Angel’s Way, which is a maternity home for homeless pregnant women. Obviously, that’s a wonderful thing but you know the reasons Josh and Anna support them. They have a little visit and end things by giving them the dumb bear they won at the Santa Monica Pier. Because that’s the exact kind of donation this place must be looking for.
Time for the lead-up to the big reveal and Sierra and Co made giant signs that they stuck out on the road leading to the Duggar’s house. The flamingos are being arranged in the yard and the house is getting the once-over with pink and blue decor. What a circus. At this moment, I’m realizing how none of them have real jobs or have to attend regular school so I guess there’s always time to stick 200 flamingos in the lawn. Weirdos. Josh and Anna drive up and start reading the signs thinking this might be how they find out, but no. The big surprise awaits inside the house. They get there and everyone greets them and within moments, the sign is rolled out from the top of the stairs. As we already knew, it’s a girl.
The big finale from Michelle and Jim Bob is their gift of an all-expenses paid marriage retreat for Josh and Anna while they babysit. This is actually sort of sweet, I guess. Pink confetti is everywhere and our girl Anna looks happy so I guess I’m satisfied.
Tune in next week when we get Duggar marriage and relationship advice. I know. Ridiculous. Thanks for reading!