If there is one universal human experience in modern America, it is the endless, thankless, soul-crushing struggle of dealing with your local high-speed Internet provider. Maybe you just need Internet. Maybe you want one of those big, fancy Internet + Cable TV options. But either way, you’re getting transferred between 40 people, none of whom can help you, and you’re legitimately thinking about moving away and living in a yurt. Fireflies aren’t as entertaining as Orange is the New Black, but they also don’t cost $80 a month and will actually show up at your house, unlike the cable service.
Here are 17 thoughts everybody has while dealing with their local cable company.
1. I can’t believe it’s 2016 and I actually have to talk to someone on the phone. Can’t I just use an email form like a normal human being?
2. Why does the cable company deal only in binaries? You cannot ask me if I am a new customer or an existing customer, when I am a customer who has been trying to get Internet set up for four weeks and who has an account number and three paid bills but no actual wires anywhere in their house.
3. Has anyone ever had a good experience with their cable company? There must be a good story out there somewhere, right? Like you lost the remote and nobody cared? Or a cable installer got your cat down from a tree? The world is a generally good place, and that means someone out there must have a good cable company story. Right?
4. I am legitimately considering quitting my job and devoting the rest of my life to talking shit about this cable company on Twitter.
5. I hate you more than King Joffrey.
6. This company has the fast Internet, but maybe I could accept the slow Internet company if it means they actually show up when they say they will.
7. So if I use my cell phone as a mobile Wi-Fi hotspot, it works great but eats up my data. But if my cable is $80 a month, I could just increase my cell phone data plan and … I think I’d save money this way, and then I could use the extra data to text middle-finger emojis to the cable company all day, every day.
8. There must be a way to invent an app that will “disrupt” the cable industry, right? I mean, becoming a tech billionaire would be cool, but revenge for this hold music would be better.
9. Are you transferring me again? Fuck you, Joffrey, you’re not transferring me again!
10. Man, it must suck to be the fourth or fifth customer service representative on this transfer phone tree.
11. Did this person just call me “Hon”? I am not your “honey,” or your “darling.” I am not a child. I am a grown-ass woman attempting to get the service she already paid you for. Do you call the male customers “buddy”? Somehow I doubt it.
12. Do celebrities get decent cable service? I bet celebrities get decent cable service.
@SirPatStew I’ve been trying to get TWCable_LA to put CRN Digital Talk Radio back on my service. Been waiting 4 weeks for an answer Terrible
”” William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) September 20, 2012
Oops. Guess not. I guess that’s good? Terrible, soul-crushing service for everyone, regardless of fame and fortune, is at least democratic.
13. Is it true that the only way to get decent service is to publicly call out the cable company on Twitter? We cannot possibly live in a world where Twitter-shaming is an essential part of interaction with corporate service providers.
14. No! Don’t transfer me again! Aaaauugh.
15. Yes, that’s my toddler screaming in the background. She’s mad because this telephone call is my new baby, and she’s jealous of it.
16. I curse you and your whole family for three generations. May all your Game of Thrones be spoiled. May all your TV be Caillou. May you never rise in the morning without stepping on Lego. May you never lay down your head at night without finding your pillow to be suspiciously sticky. May all your Transformers be Go-Bots. May all the items on your kids’ Christmas lists be expensive.
17. I hate you more than I hate Caillou.
18. Just give me something! Anything! I’d take Caillou, dammit.