Do you hate hosting Thanksgiving? I never have to because my mother and sister are type-A control freaks when it comes to holidays and cooking, so I just get to sit on my ass all day and wait for the food to be ready. It’s glorious.
Running the show on holidays is totally overrated. I’m telling you it’s way more enjoyable to sit back and be fed. I’m going to try to help you accomplish this by recommending some items that will disappoint your guests and others that will shock and disgust them so much, they will never ask you to cook again.
1. The “Holy crap, what have you done?” Cake
Your guests are expecting a Pinterest-worthy turkey cake, but instead you made a giant penis with braids standing under a brown rainbow. Nobody wants to eat a frosting penis, or a brown rainbow, for that matter.
2. Potato Flakes
Just leave this bag out on your counter. Your guests will be so sad.
3. Tan Line Turkey
Your guests are starving and probably getting a little grumpy. It’s time to present the turkey – and, voila! Everyone bursts into tears when they see you’ve made a practical joke out of the coveted turkey dinner. Nobody wants to eat this: it’s burnt, it’s disgusting, and it sort of resembles your aunt who tans too much — if she had no head or feet.
4. Turkey, With Boobs
Everyone is horrified. The only person who will laugh is your Uncle Tony – the uncle who always makes the terrible jokes and worships Larry from Three’s Company as his idol. Grandma is pissed.
5. The Giant Turkey Dildo Cake
(via- Cake Wrecks)
Holy crap. Publix really screwed up this time.
Give up meat right before you host Thanksgiving dinner. The upside — no one will come back next year. The downside — you might have to eat this.
7. Who Knew?
Really, who knew it was this easy to horrify your guests? This isn’t even hard – pun sort of intended.
8. Non-Alcoholic Wine
This is non-alcoholic wine. Enough said.