What Not To Expect When You’re Expecting

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4. Dry underwear



Um, sorry to have to be the one to break this news to you, but you might start pissing your pants. A lot. Or maybe you have your bladder under control, but, as a doctor gently put it to me, “some people just have increased discharge.”

How to handle this: You should probably buy yourself a box of Maxi pads. Bonus: putting on a “feminine product” in the form of an adult diaper de-ja-vues you right back to junior high school. Who wouldn’t want to be transported back to junior high school?  Oh wait, everybody.

5. Dry shirts



Hey-ohhhh! Leaking nipples are the best! Except not the best, the worst. I don’t know exactly why lactation is so very, very embarrassing, but let me tell you – it is. Some people don’t have dribbling nipples during pregnancy, but the more pregnancies I have (okay, I’ve had two, so maybe it’s not a scientific study), the worse it gets.

How to handle this: They make diapers for your boobs, which make you feel super attractive. Not that it matters, though, because you’ve already lost all your dignity, and you’re probably wearing Depends, so might as well diaper your entire body. Also, black shirts are useful in hiding the wetness, but I can’t be responsible for that slightly sweet, slightly sour milk smell. That’s all you.

6. Independence. 



Part of being a pregnant lady means that some people are going to do things like open the door for you and treat you like you can’t possibly manage simple tasks on your own. It’s nice? I guess? But it feels very condescending and patronizing, and for f**k’s sake it’s a door, I can open it. Don’t worry, though, people stop doing that as soon as you are trying to juggle ten pounds of baby and thirty pounds of carseat while losing an alarming (to me) amount of lochia daily and dealing on 0.001 hours of sleep. No no no, the pregnant woman can’t open the door! But new moms, you’re on your own.

How to handle this: I suppose the gracious thing to do would be to smile sweetly and say thank you. Good on you if you can manage it.

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