10 Reasons You Should Avoid Breastfeeding In Public Places
6. Because after months of late-night Netflix nursing sessions, you’re only capable of lactating to the sound of a West Wing re-run.
Not only do your fellow coffee shop patrons look pretty disinterested in hearing about how President Bartlett is going to win re-election, but the wi-fi is not cooperative enough to meet your infant’s demands.
7. Because your picky baby will only latch while you’re holding him upside over your shoulder while doing your least favorite yoga pose.
Or at least ask for a table at the restaurant so he won’t be kicking the people in the booth behind you in the back of the head.
8. Because you have a pair of penises where your boobs are supposed to be.
Finally, the ‘breastfeeding in public is like whipping your dick out’ comparison is a valid one!
9. Because if you lift your shirt, someone might see your unusual birthmark, and all these years in Witness Protection will have been for nothing.
Your baby can wait 15 minutes till you get home if it means not putting your family at risk of being discovered by the surviving members of Horseface Lou’s gang.
10. Because you live in a town with a bunch of crappy human beings who can’t handle seeing any fraction of a boob without getting into a moral panic and who make it seem a lot easier to just stay home and order Chinese food.
Sorry about your shitty neighbors! But please enjoy an extra egg roll for me.
(Feature image: Brian McIntire / Getty)