10 Reasons You Should Avoid Breastfeeding In Public Places

Women who want to breastfeed when outside of their home may also quickly find themselves outside of their comfort zone: they seem face a lot of challenges from nosy passers-by, rude waitstaff, and the occasional ogler. Babies need to eat when they need to eat, and women who want to nurse in public have every right to do so. But have you ever considered that maybe there are some good reasons you shouldn’t nurse in public? Here are ten possibilities you might not have thought about.

1. Because you are a vampire and going out in public during the day could cause you to spontaneously combust.

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Why risk it when you can nurse safely in the comfort of your coffin at home?

2. Because your milk ejection happens with the force of an actual fire hose.

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The people at the table across from you ordered their coffee without cream, thank you very much.

3. Because you gave up showering and bathing for Lent last year, and never went back.

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Only your shirt is holding your underboob cottage-cheese aroma at bay.

4. Because you gave birth to a baby shark with the full complement of baby shark teeth.

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Don’t breastfeed in public. Don’t breastfeed anywhere. Unless you want to be left with a couple of raw meatballs to stuff back into your nursing bra.

5. Because instead of breast milk, you produce weapons-grade uranium.

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Unless the other people at the park wore their lead suits, in which case you should feel free to proceed as usual.

6. Because after months of late-night Netflix nursing sessions, you’re only capable of lactating to the sound of a West Wing re-run.

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Not only do your fellow coffee shop patrons look pretty disinterested in hearing about how President Bartlett is going to win re-election, but the wi-fi is not cooperative enough to meet your infant’s demands.

7. Because your picky baby will only latch while you’re holding him upside over your shoulder while doing your least favorite yoga pose.

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Or at least ask for a table at the restaurant so he won’t be kicking the people in the booth behind you in the back of the head.

8. Because you have a pair of penises where your boobs are supposed to be.

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Finally, the ‘breastfeeding in public is like whipping your dick out’ comparison is a valid one!

9. Because if you lift your shirt, someone might see your unusual birthmark, and all these years in Witness Protection will have been for nothing.

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Your baby can wait 15 minutes till you get home if it means not putting your family at risk of being discovered by the surviving members of Horseface Lou’s gang.

10. Because you live in a town with a bunch of crappy human beings who can’t handle seeing any fraction of a boob without getting into a moral panic and who make it seem a lot easier to just stay home and order Chinese food.

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