10 Reasons Not To Leave NYC After You Become A Parent

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Had you been living in NYC for a while as a single person? Was it fantastic? Did you recently have children and now you’re thinking What the fuck am I doing here? I can’t. I just can’t. My stupid landlord won’t let me leave the stroller on the parlor floor of our brownstone because he is a dipshit. My local preschool costs $1200 a month. I hate all of the other parents around me and I need a car. And a garage. And a backyard and a fucking hallway.

Take a deep breath, friend. It will all be okay. It’s good to regroup and remember all of the fantastic things that NYC has to offer and how shitty the suburbs can be before you take the plunge, pack all of your stuff and buy a one way plane ticket. Trust me. I did that last thing and I miss New York terribly.

1. If you’ve been living in NYC for any period of time you’re already totally used to getting ripped off.


So the daycare prices shouldn’t be such a shock.

2. You will no longer be able to depend on delicious delivery to feed your family at least three nights a week.


Cooking is totally overrated.

3. NYC knows how to do story time.


Your local bookstore’s story time that you take for granted? Stop it. Stop taking it for granted right now. I drove my kids to Barnes and Noble last weekend to make their 11 am story time. You know what it was? A bored employee reading one story to my kid only. It was done by 11:08.

4. You can totally roll up into a bar with your kid in Brooklyn and there are plenty of people who are okay with it.


I’m certain someone would call CPS if I tried that here in Orlando.

5. Driving is totally overrated.


The only reason I have a car now is because nothing is in walking distance of my house. Loading your kid into a stroller and loading your kid into a car are equally as annoying.

6. You will have a more social life in NYC. 

New Yorkers are walkers. We all get out of our houses and meander around the neighborhood. Do you know how many people I talk to on my daily walks/trips to the park? Zero. Fact: there are way fewer people on the street in suburbia.

7. Brooklyn Bridge Park, The Museum of Natural History, Central Park, Prospect Park Botanical Gardens…

Do I need to keep going?

8. Cultural diversity is important.

Unless you’re moving somewhere that has a diverse demographic – it sucks.

9. Sitting on the stoop is awesome.

I’m not saying it trumps a backyard – I’m just saying you’ll miss your stoop.

10. Because it’s so much easier to live anywhere else.

And that is just annoying.