10 Reasons You Definitely Shouldn’t Vaccinate Your Children

Vaccination is one of the most serious public health issues facing us today. As immunization rates drop across the country, herd immunity wanes, and some of our most vulnerable citizens are put at grave risk. But of course, although vaccination is a critical issue, there are some very good reasons you may want to skip vaccinations for your own family. Well–there are some reasons, anyway.

1. Because your ‘child’ is actually a balloon animal.

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Don’t deflate his confidence in your ability to make sound parenting choices.

2. Because you’re a character in a bad sci-fi movie.

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The chance that whatever’s in that syringe is going to kill you, mutate you, or make you melt from the inside out is just too great.

3. Because you are a family of sentient pertussis bacteria.

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Definitely skip the whooping cough vaccine, at least; but you can still stay on board with the rest of the normal immunization schedule.

4. Because you believe your fancy diet and/or regular application of essential oils provide you better immunity anyway.

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Your measles- and influenza-riddled bodies will be easier for the rest of us to outrun after the zombie apocalypse. Keep up the great work!

5. Because your doctor is offering a 2-for-1 deal: MMR vaccination plus a free tattoo.

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And he’s using the same needle for both. Ew.

6. Because you heard that vaccines contained aborted fetuses.

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They don’t, of course. But after the shit-fit you pitched on the subject the last time you were at the doctor’s office, they filed a restraining order, which means no vaccinations (or medical care of any other sort) for you and yours.

7. Because you really, really hate babies and/or the elderly.

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Enjoy swiping viciously at herd immunity before you return to your home, presumably in the pages of a Charles Dickens novel.

8. Because you’re like the antagonist in M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable, and getting a needle in your triceps might just break your arm.

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Oh wait, I already mentioned that you shouldn’t get vaccinated if you’re in a bad sci-fi movie.

9. Because your child is, or is possessed by, an actual demon.

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An exorcism wasn’t enough to slow her down, but maybe a touch of tetanus will do the trick.

10. Because you have a serious medical reason to avoid vaccinating, and thus depend all the more on the vaccination of those around you for protection.

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Good thing none of them will have any stupid reasons for avoiding immunization!

(Feature image: Adam Gregor / Shutterstock)

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