10 Reasons Moms Should Never Spend Time Away From Their Kids, Ever

A woman’s decision to spend time apart from her children can be a fraught one. Depending on who you ask, moms who have hobbies outside their own families are responsible for everything from behavior problems to global climate change. But maybe, sometimes, having a life outside the home and apart from your children isn’t the best plan.

1. Because you live in a nuclear bunker in a post-apocalyptic world.

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Sure, you could spend time away from your brood. You could also get radiation sickness from just sticking your head outside for a few seconds. Up to you!

2. Because through a horrific accident involving experimentation with a prototype transporter beam, Ã la Star Trek, you and your offspring are now literally attached at the hip.

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The two of you share a circulatory system, a liver, and a burning desire for some alone time.

3. Because you are Dory from Finding Nemo and you will actually forget you have children if they go out of your immediate line of sight for more than a moment.

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You love your kids, Whatshisface and So-and-So, very much.

4. Because your ‘child’ is actually a Tamagotchi pet.

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You can’t leave off feeding those little bastards for five minutes or they go belly-up.

5. Because you’re not interested in maximizing the chances that at least one of you will be spared in case of a stray meteorite strike.

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I’m not the only one who worries about stuff like this, right?

… right?

6. Because you are a wild animal and if you ditch your kids they are going to get eaten by a bigger wild animal.

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There’s always a bigger wild animal out there, unless you are a blue whale.

7. Because you are a blue whale.

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Dude, the ocean is a big place and cell phones don’t work underwater. If you go out for a night with the girls at the local (sand) bar, your odds of seeing your bouncing baby calves again aren’t good.

8. Because, through a bizarre time travel incident, your child is somehow also your own conjoined sibling.

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Also, you live in a Twilight Zone episode. Sorry about that.

9. Because you take babywearing very, very seriously.

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Most people would have taken off the baby sling by the time the kid was in fourth grade, but on the plus side, Mrs. Johnson says you’re one of the best in the class at long division.

10. Because the moment you cranked out a kid or two, you ceased to be an autonomous human being and must now subsume your every waking moment to attending to that offspring.

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