Childrearing

10 Natural Enemies Of Parents Everywhere

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Being a parent is tough by it’s very nature, even in the easiest of times. Raising young humans and trying not to mess them up is pretty stressful and all-consuming. Your whole day is centered around caring, feeding, dressing, playing and attempting to impart knowledge on them with as few bumps as you can manage. Of course, the bumps are plenty and at some point, all parents discover the various ways a wrench can be thrown into an otherwise smooth day with their kids. Here are some of the natural enemies of parents everywhere:

1. Stickers

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Stupid stickers. They get stuck to things. As adults, we know this. Toddlers and pre-schoolers don’t seem to grasp this concept until it’s too late and you’re careening down the freeway and they’re losing their mind because the sticker had the nerve to get stuck to something before they were ready to part with it. Seriously, fuck stickers.

2. Lollipops

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Lollipops suck, pun fully intended. They get tangled up in hair, they make a drooly mess of the average toddler and they also fall on the ground and are rendered inedible causing a flood of tears. When someone offered my kids lollipops when they were younger, I would cringe so hard knowing it probably wouldn’t end well. They can be helpful as a bribe at times but more often than not, they just cause more problems.

3. Rides Outside The Store

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Dear God, can we just get rid of the stupid rides outside the drug store already? Most parents don’t have time to stop and many of us only use debit cards and never have change available. These rides are dumb, please blow them all up for the sake of beleaguered parents everywhere.

4. Glitter

glitter bomb

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I have railed against the evils of glitter more than once but it cannot be stressed enough. Glitter is the dust of the devil. Teachers, craft hour at the library, that other mom who doesn’t seem stressed by anything — they will all PLAGUE you with fucking glitter. I still have glitter in my house from projects my kids brought home last Christmas. We need a moratorium on stupid glitter.

5. Noisy Toys

make it stop man

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Noisy toys mostly seem to come into the life of a parent by way of a well-meaning grand-parent or stupid sibling with no kids who doesn’t understand the torture of a toddler drum set. However well-meaning, it still sucks to be saddled with the equivalent of a Vegas casino in the playroom formerly known as your living room. The day I got rid of all the noisy Fisher Price toddler toys was probably one of the highlights of my life as a parent so far. So liberating.

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