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!["I Have This Friend Who Was Adopted And [Insert Horror Story Here]..."](http://cdn.mommyish.com/files/2011/11/99736825-266x400.jpg "\"I Have This Friend Who Was Adopted And [Insert Horror Story Here]...\"")
It would be easier but easy isn’t the path we chose. We chose a path that benefits our son. He will never wonder who he looks like or how he came to be in our family. He will always know his cultural background and medical history, and most importantly, he will be surrounded by people who love and care about him.
(Photo: iStockphoto)
We are my son’s parents. We are very real. His birth parents are also real but weren’t ready to be day-to-day parents. They did not “give him away.” They made a conscious, brave and difficult choice to find him a mom and dad who were ready for parenthood. As to their precise motivations, it’s not for me or anyone to speculate or share.
(Photo: Stockbroker)
I could say Canada, which is where my son was born, but that’s not what people want to know. They want to know his ethnicity. Just like you wouldn’t ask someone who is not white where they are from as light party banter, don’t ask me where my son is from unless we’re discussing our family backgrounds.
(Photo: Creatas)
I’ve had this irrelevant conversational opener countless times. I don’t have an issue with us being an adoptive family nor is it secret, but I don’t feel the need to explain our status just satisfy someone’s curiosity. Sometimes it’s nice just to live.
(Photo: Jupiterimages)
Adopting isn’t something we did in order to reproduce biologically. Adoption isn’t a stepping-stone to the ideal biological child. My son is my son. Our family is complete, and I wouldn’t want my life any other way.
(Photo: Jupiterimages)
I always think of Khalil Gibran’s famous poem,Your Children are not Your Children: “They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” Children are not possessions. We as parents are here to Sheppard our children into adulthood. But actually, the answer I generally give is, "Yes." Of course, what they really want to know is, “Is he adopted?” I like to make them work for that one.
(Photo: Jupiterimages)
My son is not a toy or a gift or a package. And while it’s tempting for me to blurt out, "Lowes," I don’t find adoption jokes funny. My son is a person and how he joined our family is a deeply personal story, which I’m happy to share over coffee but not in this crowded pool.
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Save the halo for someone that deserves it like Mother Teresa. Hands down, we are the lucky ones.
(Photo: Photodisc)
Did someone ask you to? A woman who places a baby for adoption does it out of love for her child. It’s a gut-wrenching decision and no one takes it lightly.
(Photo: Photodisc)
Sharing your negative adoption story is a bit like telling a pregnant woman a bad labor story. I can’t predict the future and neither can biological families. All I can do is be open to my son’s feelings and attuned to his temperament.
(Photo: Hemera)
It would be easier but easy isn’t the path we chose. We chose a path that benefits our son. He will never wonder who he looks like or how he came to be in our family. He will always know his cultural background and medical history, and most importantly, he will be surrounded by people who love and care about him.
(Photo: iStockphoto)
Two true stories:
I have a friend who adopted her daughter from a family in Mexico who lived in Texas, so when people ask her where her daughter is from, that’s what she says: Texas.
My FIL talked on and on about how you don’t know what you’re getting with adoption (DH’s two siblings were adopted by his mom years before she met this douche). He would refer to a friend who had bio kids and one adopted, and the adopted one was a drug addict. He said that’s “in the blood” and that’s why you shouldn’t adopt. What an asshole.
Both of my grown children are adopted and both were open adoptions. I actually helped my daughter locate her birth mother after she turned 18. I have had every one of these questions asked of me and the only ones that irritate me to no end are, “Do you have any ‘real’ children?’ and ‘How can someone give up their own child?’” All of which were asked within earshot of my kids. I used to tell me kids that they were indeed the children I would have had if my body had worked properly but God just had to send them through someone else to get to me. I don’t think people are trying to be insensitive but rather, don’t really THINK before they speak. It’s almost like asking someone who is a bit plump when the baby is due…. sheesh people… common sense here! That’s all.
Another one is, “do you have any real children?” Yeah, because adopted children are made out of string and silly putty. Don’t look too close, he/she might disappear! Sheesh. Adopted children are just as real! The question is, “Do you have any biological children?” One friend of mine was in a family that had seven children, three were adopted. When people asked her how many “real” brothers and sisters she had, she’d say, “All of them!”
Well, I have asked some of those questions whenever I see Asian kids with white people. I would always ask them where the child is from. After they tell me where the child is from, I would tell them that I was adopted also and told them where I was from. I also mentioned two very powerful, emotional books to them. One of them is called The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier who has one biological child and one adopted daughter. It is a MUST book for ALL adoptees and adoptive families. It is known as the adoption bible. It helped me understand myself so much better when I read most of it. I never got to read about the reunions because it would make me very emotional. The second book is called How It Feels To Be Adopted by Jill Krementz. I also have been asked who my “real” parents are and I would tell them all parents are real. I remembered asking one mother which of her kids were her “real” kids. My adoptive parents told her that she knew what I meant. She asked me if she was made of plastic. I said no. She asked me if she was real and I said yes. So, she explained to me that all the children were her real kids. So, I asked her which ones were her adopted kids. I would never ever forget that moment.
All adoptions should and MUST be open adoptions for the sake of all adoptees. We have rights to know who we are and who our birthparents are. It is our given right!!
i think everyone is just getting a little too pc, the majority of those questions werent offensive and werent meant to be offensive. someone saying that they couldnt make the choice to give up their child to another couple isnt being rude, its making conversation.
Actually, it is being rude. What kind of statement are you making by saying something like that to adoptive parents? Worse, what kind of statement are you making when you say it within hearing of their adopted child. Try and put yourself into the shoes of the people who might take offense to this sort of “conversation” and it might open your eyes a bit.
139 days ago
[...] “Ten Things Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent” was published on [...]
A few years ago I might have read this post and thought to myself, “what idiot would say things like that to someone he doesn’t know?” However, I have been asked these questions regarding my daughter, who is my biological child because a man thought she was adopted. It was a bit irritating– ok, I was really annoyed– but I eventually used it as a learning experience for what not to do. Yes, I wish we all thought before we opened our mouths, but we don’t and sometimes even the best of us say stupid things. Guess we just have to learn to move past the dumb things we all say…
167 days ago
[...] every minute with their child for about 10 months before that child is even born. In the case of adoptive or surrogate moms, their hearts and minds have put in the time even though their bodies did not. It [...]
Putting the grammar errors aside, the sentence: “Just like you wouldn’t ask someone who is not white where they are from as light party banter…” is unfortunate because black people are required to face constant, nonstop questions about our ethnicity EVERY DAY. Sometimes it isn’t just “Where are you from?” but my personal favorite “So, what exactly ARE you?” This is something your son will have to face in his lifetime no matter where he is or what he’s doing so it’s best not to get self-righteous about it and understand that it is an unfortunate reality for us.
I think that in most of these circumstances, the person asking is not trying to be judgmental or mean but they really do want to know and connect with others. Besides, maybe they ask many of these questions because they’re testing the waters for adopting their own child and are wanting to see how things have gone for other families.
Since I am not an adopted mother (yet), I can compare it to several children spaced really close together. I used to get comments and questions all the time (when they were a bit younger) but it was because people are genuinely curious and I like to view it as a way to help others to see the value of children. Instead of looking at these questions as malicious or inappropriate, can’t they just be considered for what they’re worth… questions that help shed a positive light on adoption?
Great article, Harriet. I also once got – So, you couldn’t have your own? Omigod, it just never ends.
Great post, Harriet. I hope that I’ve never unwittingly said these to anyone. I’m fairly certain that I haven’t, but it always helps to have a reminder to be sensitive to others and to think before we speak.
I hate the “real parent” question too. My real parents are the people who raised me. And how is it anyone’s business why a child’s biological parents decided to give them up for adoption? Such an odd, intrusive question to ask.
I have a favorite question, though it really only happens with kids who are adopted internationally. My mom’s best friend adopted two kids from Korea and later in college I knew a girl who was also adopted from Korea. With all three kids their moms’ were asked the same question multiple times: “How did you get their eyes to look like that?”
I’m adopted and I always found it funny when they would get a really confused look on their face when they asked if I knew who my “real” parents were and I answered yes, my they are [insert their names here]. This drove people nuts until they figured out how to ask what they actually wanted to know which was who donated your DNA. My parents are the ones who stayed up with me all night when I had colic as a baby, sat up all night when I was sick as a kid and waited up all night when I was up as a teenager. Also known as the people who now go to bed at 8:00now that I’m an adult trying to catch up from all that lack of sleep from when I was younger.
I would say the same thing!! What an offensive question to ask. I find some peoples’ obsession with genetic relationships to be really odd. Now that I have a child it seems even more obvious that being a parenting has little to do with your sperm and egg meeting and everything to do with what you do once that kid is out of utero.
Funny thing about the “where is he from” question. My BFF use to get this question ALL OF THE TIME when we were kids. Her parents are from China, but she was born in Ohio. When she looked at the questioner straight-faced and said “Ohio” sometimes they’d follow-up with “No, where are you REALLY from?” Sigh. So it’s obnoxious, but not strictly a problem of adoptive families.
I know the feeling, Melissa. I have done it also whenever I see an Asian person. I used to ask him/her where she is from and when they said USA, I would ask them what ethnicity and they would tell me. So, now, when I see an Asian person, I would ask what ethnicity, instead of where one is from.
You are so right that it is not just adoptive families.
I never really had that problem about where I was from because people would say that my adoptive mother and I looked alike!
Hehe She was a Filipina and I am Vietnamese.
this is great harriet!
the kinds of questions people ask never cease to amaze me. i used to think they simply asked out of curiosity or a willingness to understand difference, but you’ve made it clear that the questions often come from a place of judgment and ignorance. i love that you have an arsenal of answers at the ready to educate people who are too quick to comment before thinking about the implications of their questions.
and you’re so right! we as parents are blessed for having the experience of children.
beautiful! i’m always amazed by the types of questions people ask of another person who may or may not have a different family circumstance from their own. i used to believe that some of us are operating out of genuine concern or honest interest, but increasingly i’ve become enlightened to the fact that people are just being plain rude and judgmental.
it’s refreshing to read that you are not totally jaded by the impersonal questions but that you’ve found a way to answer them while educating the unitiated at the same time.