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Happy Valentine’s Day from STFU, Parents! In honor of the holiday, I wanted to talk about something called “a mother’s love.” On the surface, this innocent expression means, “the love a mother has for her child.” It’s a pure, unconditional love that has nothing to do with selfishness and everything to do with compassion through a mother’s eyes. Sounds sweet, right? Wrong. You see, sometimes a mother’s love is all of these things, which is wonderful, but other times it’s all of these things and so much more.
A few years ago, I started receiving submissions like this, and they kind of freaked me out. I don’t know when exactly it became en vogue for mothers to talk about their sons in a romantic way, or when they started calling their babies their “boyfriends,” but it’s a trend – or perhaps a feeling – that just won’t quit. Submission after submission I find myself duped, baffled and/or slightly disgusted by what I am reading, not because I think the mothers in the submissions are sick people, but because I think it’s inappropriate to attribute qualities of romantic love to the relationship you have with your son. Never do mothers talk about their daughters in this way, and understandably so. Their daughters are “mommy’s little girl” or “mommy’s princess,” while their sons are “mommy’s boyfriend.” And maybe if they just left it at that – mommy’s boyfriend – or they only took it one step further and said, “I’m in love with my boyfriend,” I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable. But in many cases, they take it anywhere from five to 20 steps further. I find it odd. In fact, I receive so many submissions like this that I decided to dedicate my whole Valentine’s Day column to them to show you what I mean. So pop a bottle of champagne (or sparkling apple juice), grab a box of your favorite chocolates and settle in for a little lesson in “a mother’s love” as demonstrated on Facebook:
1. Bluffing
Bluffing may be one of the worst examples of this behavior. As harmless as it is, you have to wonder why a mother would want to “trick” her friends into thinking she’s in a serious romantic relationship….with her son. I’ve seen this taken even further with descriptions of “bubble baths,” “candlelight dinners,” and “date nights,” and it feels more than a little like a Jocasta complex.
2. Obsessed Mommy
Sometimes obsession sounds worse than it really is. So what if Yazmin wants to “memorize every inch” of her son’s face? That’s a perfectly normal way to feel about one’s child – son or daughter – and yet, once it’s written down it can come across as something different. It’s one thing to stare longingly into the eyes of your darling son and share a moment, and it’s another to write about it with poetry on Facebook. Also, “I can sleep when he grows up,” makes me hope that Yazmin has some quality time planned with her adult girlfriends sometime in the near future. Remember, moms, you’ve gotta sleep sometime. Your presence may help your sick child, but being well-rested is equally as important.
3. Love Notes: “His First Everything”
I’ll admit I waver between thinking it’s a good and absolutely terrible idea for a person to make her child “her whole world,” and maybe that’s partly why I’m not a fan of this chain love letter. Or maybe it’s just because it reminds me of this Modern Love column from back in 2008 that I still haven’t been able to shake off.
4. Auntie Love
Sometimes it’s not just the mothers who write passionately about their baby boys, but relatives, as well. Aunts, grandmas and godmothers are all susceptible to “the boyfriend effect” and are capable of posting about it on Facebook. And while we all know (and many of us love) the smell of new-baby, beginning a status update with, “My hands still smell like his baby skin,” is a little over-the-top and borders on creepy.
5. Oedipus Complex
You’ve gotta wonder, after reading a series of updates about a mother’s intense love for her son, if all that obsession will ever really amount to anything abnormal. Prior to receiving this submission, I would have said, “No, absolutely not. A questionable Jocasta Complex when a son is very little does not necessarily amount to an Oedipus complex when the son gets older.” I mean, we’re talking about Greek mythology and Freudian concepts here. Let’s not go overboard.
That said, this exchange made me think twice. I don’t know how old Ian is, but he’s old enough to own and operate a cell phone and text with his mother during art class, so we can safely assume he’s over the age of, say, nine. And he’s calling his mother a “cutie.” Suddenly now I’m not so sure.
What do you think?
7 days ago
[...] utilizing the “Hide” feature. We’ve already seen moms who have unusually close relationships with their sons, but it adds another layer of WTF when the “joke” is that a husband and wife are [...]
Thank you for this hilarious installment of STFUP, but I’m officially calling this comment “STFU, Commenters.” If you cannot tell a brilliantly-crafted piece of short fiction apart from an informational article, you should have your commenting privileges revoked. Poor Kate Sauerkraut or wtf her name is. Now everyone who reads this column thinks she’s a top-notch crazy, instead of an incredibly talented writer who got you to experience real feelings of confusion and anger which – might I add – was entirely the point.
She may be a good writer, but she is still absolutely crazy. There was no sarcasm or wit in regards to her ridiculous, scary rant.
Woah. That Modern Love article was something else. I think the worst part is that throughout the piece, she keeps coming back to reasonable emotions that I’m sure plenty of parents can relate to; a touch of melancholy over them growing up, worry over their future success and happiness, concern that someone might lead them down the wrong path in life, and other such things. And then she smoothly blends in a touch of the crazy so you’re left feeling for her for the normal emotions, but can’t completely separate them from the over-reactions, paranoia, and Oedipal overtones they’ve been packaged with. It effed with my emotions, that’s for sure; it kept me going “Well, I can certainly empathize with -wait, what? Nonono, dial it back a bit, lady.”
Poor Sarvis. His Mum has lost the plot. My 8yr old has a crush on a boy called Jai, he’s in her class and he has cool stickers on his books and cool keychains on his bag and floppy hair over his eyes like Justin Beiber. She has informed me that she is going to be his girlfriend one day.
Now I have these scary images in my head of Jai’s mum pulling a Sarvis’s-mum, peering around the corner of her classroom judging my daughter and her friends for their hair ribbons and the scuff marks on their shoes going “I need to know which one likes my son, no one can love my son the way I do, how dare she, I hate all little girls, im the only woman that can love my son” and hugging my daughter’s pencil case and tracting her fingers over the love heart inside it with “Jai” written in it. And of course, writing underneath how no one will love him the way she does.
I’m five months pregnant with my first son. I already love my child so much I would die for him. But (and I stress this but) my ultimate dream is for him to eventually move out and find the kind of love I have with his father for himself. I hope he chooses his partner well, but I’m not going to tell him that “nobody else will ever be good enough for him”.
I don’t get these women. I just don’t. My son is my son and my fiance is my fiance and the fact that there’s even a slight blurring of that line is squicky and gross. My “boyfriend”? Heck no. I will be more than happy to be his mother and ultimately a cool mother-in-law.
ARGH MY EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Please someone send help to the Modern Love lady. I totally agree with other comments that if a man wrote the same thing there would be trouble and that putting it in the NY times makes it seem like someone thinks it’s acceptable and, let’s be clear here, NO-ONE thinks that’s acceptable.
By the way, some of the STFU Parents examples on the blog are worse than the early ones in this post… there’s one about bubble baths and slow yoga that I will NEVER forget.
That 2008 NYT column is the creepiest thing I’ve read in an age. It’s so… unapologetically bent. Brrr.
Worse??? If mum’s surname is anything to go by she saddled that kid with the name Sarvis Krautkramer.
I was dating a guy who had a mother like these. I’m friends with her on facebook and she STILL posts the chain statuses like these, and both her kids are in their 20′s. In fact at one point the ex and I had to have a chat about why it was inappropriate for his mother to lay on top of him while drunk. I feel dirty having even had to type that let alone have witnessed it.
I am so, so sorry. There are no words.
I completely read that last one as a pregnant woman who has created a facebook page for her yet-to-be-born child, and is ‘talking’ to the kid and the kid is ‘talking’ to her – ie, ‘art class’ is she is at a museum and talking to her pregnant belly or something, etc.
It’s the completely infantilized language from someone who is supposedly old enough to be on a cell phone and in school that is throwing me off.
Since I know a few people who have made Facebook profiles for their babies, I read the last one that way, too. I think I would be weirded out to date someone who had that kind of relationship with his mother–er, excuse me–mommy.
OMG I think I’m gonna puke.
WTF. seriously, WTF!!! I have two sons and I adore them, but dear GOD! I expect my sons to grow up, move out, and make their own families. WTF is THIS??!!???
The only explanation for the creepy modern love article is that the woman entered a psychotic break and wrote on the bathroom wall herself.
I kept thinking it was her all along, too.
Exactly! I mean that article is what horrible horror movies are made of! I was beyond uncomfortable after reading it. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I wish there were comments about her article because I bet anything there would be a few mom’s out there that would agree with her. That poor child and who ever he decides to marry.
I’m never going to forgive you for the link to the Modern Love article. I don’t even want to keep the Valentine’s Day card my son made me.
84 days ago
[...] evening, I read with interest STFU Parents’ article A Mothers Love on Valentine’s Day. STFU, Parents is a blog about parents who overshare on social media sites. The fact I often find [...]
As someone else already said: OH GOSH, I CAN NEVER UNREAD THAT MODERN LOVE ARTICLE, WHYYYYYYYY
That Modern Love article… Yikes. Anyone else get the idea that maybe she was the one carving into the bathroom stall all along? Some split-personality son lust thing. “The first rule of Jocasta Complex is: you do not talk about Jocasta Complex.”
OMFG I need to take a shower and scrub my skin with a steel brush after reading a “Modern Love Column”. I wish I could unread that, how disturbing. That lady needs help, serious psychological help. I feel sorry for her son and as a mother of 2 girls, frightened that there are mothers out there like this.
Dear Modern (Creepy) Love Lady,
It’s graffiti on a bathroom wall. You are possibly a teensy tiny bit unbalanced. Also crazy. We are lots less worried about a 3rd grade girl with a crush on your son making him grow up an increment (uh, isn’t that the point with kids? beats the hell out of the alternative.) than you in your derangement not letting him grow up at all.
KThanksBye.
From,
The Thoroughly Squicked-Out World
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kate-Krautkramer/1208853918?sk=wall
One of her “friends” is Sarvis…and his photo has a girl in it….
I’m a bit scared for her
You know who has it worse than the poor mama’s boys’ in training? The fathers, some of whom must still be the husbands or significant others of these crazed mothers. They ought to be the object of romantic love, not the sons.
Two things about the Modern Love article:
1. I feel sorry for the woman who marries Sarvis (Sarvis? Really?) one day.
2. I have a suspicion that Sarvis’ mom is suffering from fugue episodes and carving up the girls’ bathroom herself.
#2 is actually how I thought it would end – the mother realizing she was the original carver of the stall love note.
That essay was horrifying.
That Modern Love article. My. God. She teaches children. And she used her name. The parents of the little girls in her classes must LOVE her.
My head will never be the same again. The article is so beyond disturbing! Forget everything that these mothers have said on Facebook – at least these are limited to basic updates. The “Modern Love” woman blathered on and on and on about her devotion to her son, her suspicion of the CHILDREN in her son’s class, and more equally nauseating observations.
I feel violated. Does anyone else feel violated?
YES! WHY is that article on the NY Times?! It’s like someone is condoning what she wrote! Doesn’t anyone realize that woman is a FREAK?!
Ick, ick, ick. I am the mother of three boys and I love them dearly. AS MY CHILDREN, not as a substitute lover. I want them to grow up, get a job, move out, and make their own family. I have a friend who is always posting on FB that her children are her “everything” and that they “give her a reason to get up every morning” and she doesn’t know how she would live without them. What an incredible burden to lay on your children. They are children. Their job is to make their parents crazy. Their job is to make dumb mistakes. Their job is to disappoint their parents. Their job is to be imperfect, like all of us. Our job, as parents, is to guide them in the right direction, provide them with a soft spot to land and to love them. Our job is not to smother them or over-protect them or keep them all to ourselves. Jeez. These people are crazy.
And, btw? If the tables were turned and it was a dad writing these things about/to his daughter, he would be labeled a pedophile and Children & Family Services would be called.
I agree, 100%. I love my son so much, but it is leaps and bounds different then the love I have for his father (my husband). It just seems…wrong, to talk about your son, nephew, grandson as your ‘boyfriend’.
And I also thought about, ‘A man would be ostracized or have CPS called if he acted like this.’
I married a man who was his mother’s only child and some of this stuff made me think of her. It has taken YEARS for her to let go of that damn apron string! At least she doesn’t call him “my baby boy!” and try to kiss him on the lips any more.
Any time I see a mother talking about being “in love” with her son, I think of the movie Savage Grace with Julianne Moore.
Spoiler alert: The son stabs his mother to death at the end. Something to consider, ladies.
Ohhh Caitlin, that made me giggle.
I seriously forgot about that movie. I think my mind was protecting me.
but thank you oh-so-much for putting those disturbing scenes back in my head!
-vomits-
Anyone who is into horror movies should watch it….except it’s not supposed to be a horror movie, which makes it even worse.
WOW…. that “Modern Love” article was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My mom never acted like these lunatics. Who ARE these women? I honestly believe that some of them really are romantically interested in their sons. I’m kind of disturbed by all of them. Get a grip, ladies.
My mom never did, either. In fact, my mother actually wants my brother to move out and find himself a girlfriend. Well, mostly she just wants him to move out.
my sister-in-law, unfortunately…smothers her son like there’s no tomorrow and once said to me, in a I-kid-but-not-really kind of way, that she hopes he turns out gay and lonely just so he’ll stay with her forever. She’s already angry at future girlfriends and he’s like, 7.
:S
Remind me to light my eyeballs on fire so I can never read anything like that again.
If Facebook existed 20 years ago, there is no doubt in my mind that my MIL would have posted such creepiness. She still looks at my husband as if she is IN LOVE with him. In addition, she sends him similar toned “love” texts and Facebook stalks me – she is a jealous one to say the least. Luckily, my husband is just as creeped out as me and minimizes contact as much as possible. But unfortunately these women will never stop and shamefully will interfere with a normal healthy development of their sons. Makes me sick!
That NYT article was sooooo gross. I’m a mom to a 2-year-old little boy (my only child) and, while I love him more than anything, I am in no way jealous of his little girl friends. I think it’s cute when there’s a girl he is really excited to see and play with, and some of them are really sweet kids who I love imagining as potential future daughters-in-law. Even if he “loves” someone else, I’m his MOM, which means I’m not competing for him ROMANTICALLY. I know I’m rambling, and I normally try to leave comments that are more coherent than this, but that article just really skeeved me out.
CAN’T UNREAD “MODERN LOVE”! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Seriously. That article was creepy. I really wish I hadn’t read it.
Oh my Gosh. I’m so there with you.
I know, I was so grossed out by it! The way she sexualizes the little girls in his class is just shocking, talking about them swaying their hips, calling the girl a “vixen,” I mean, my goodness.
And when she writes “Who would be so bold? Who would take such a risk?” it sounds EXACTLY like a jealous wife wondering who would DARE hit on her husband. Doesn’t that slut know he’s taken?!
Majorly creepy article.
The first couple didn’t bother me a huge amount. Even the stupid chain e-mail and I do love some of those a lot, usually not the mom ones but some of the inspirational quotes I do. But the last two eeked me a lot. If my son ever called me cutie I’d definitely worry A LOT about both of us!! Good Lord!! Also, the aunt post was a tad bit creepy. The others, just seemed like genuine love for a baby/toddler and not so creepy. Champagne dates and bubble baths YES, but just an expression of a mother’s love in a poem not so much. Might just be me? I’ve never written anything like that on Facebook about my son or daughter though. I have been guilty of a mushy birthday post or two though.
Ugh, I actually have a friend who has brainwashed her 5-year-old. She said, “Honey, what does Mommy say about girlfriends?” to which he replies, “You’re the only woman I’ll ever love and nobody will ever be good enough for me.”
I feel SO bad for this kid :-/
ICK!! That is definitely WRONG in A LOT of ways!!
Awesome, another child who will grow up to be a creepy, maladjusted adult incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship.
Oh man, that is awful. I hate it when parents teach their kids to give memorized responses to questions like that anyway, but that one really takes the cake. Poor kid.
“A boy’s best friend is his mother” — Norman Bates
Oh my manatees! That last one disturbs me deeply. I may not be able to give my daughter a whole lot of advice when it comes to relationships but one thing I will tell her with certainty is stay FAR away from “momma’s boys”.
I frequent a site for DIL’s to vent about their MIL’s and I see a TON of this behavior still, and these men are adults! Scary scary scary…
What is that site? I have got some stories for you!!!
@ Laura
google “the dil sisterhood”
You’ll be entertained and horrified for hours!
@Not Thumper…I thought it was odd that I read two blogs with a commenter by that name now I know it’s the same haha
OMG that NYT article you linked to was creepy beyond reason! “She has issues” doesn’t even begin to cover it! If you think of your child as a best friend or lover, you need a therapist.
Gah! WHY did I click on the link to that modern love story!! I feel dirty after reading what goes on in that ladies head… I can totally see a lifetime movie coming from that crazy story: A Mommy Shattered: The Kate Krautramer Story.
Is this why most men seem to expect their romantic partners to be a second mother?
Now that I read that link I can’t stop laughing thinking of a grown woman clinging to a bathroom wall crying “NO ONE CAN LOVE SARVIS LIKE I DOOOOO”. Beyond creepy lady!
Thank you for making me laugh after reading that trainwreck.
What. The Hell. Why did I read that column? *shudder*
I think “Ian” is really the Facebook page Kami set up for her infant child, and she’s talking to herself.
We can only hope.
I thought that, too, until I read the part about being “in art.” Either she’s pretending that her little kid fingerpainting being “in art” or her kid really wrote this, and is probably in middle school at least.
Neither one is good, but I think the second one is more likely, and definitely creepier.
Not this time.
That Modern Love column was just…disturbing. I mean, yikes. I pity that kid’s first girlfriend. Hell, any of these boys’ first girlfriends.
But he’s already had his first gf, remember? His mommy. And he’s had his first kiss, and his first love, and NOONE CAN EVER LOVE HIM THE WAY SHE DOES!!!! That 9-year old tramp doesn’t know where his vaccination record is, so how can she love him?!? SARVIS, SARVIS, I love you!!!!
*vomits in corner*
Now I’ve seen everything. Pass the brain bleach please.
Oedipus Complex!