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The morning of the day my mother arrived from Winnipeg to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving was the day that my father-in-law apologized for telling me to f*ck off. Or did he say actually say f*ck you? I still can’t recall.
In any event, the apology wasn’t delivered with the same dramatic energy he had used to spew the unfortunate invective. Instead, he casually looked up from the stove where he was sautéing onions to produce what sounded like a practiced monologue of pat platitudes including such gems as life is too short, and our time here together isn’t very long, yada-yada-yada. Most disappointing, however, was the fact that it took over six weeks for the apology to arrive.
Now, as an imperfect human being who sometimes sucks at forgiveness, I will tell you that in my view, the apology rang hollow. Yes, I accepted it because quite frankly there’s no satisfaction in prolonging the hurt, nor is there any reward in being a total bitch, or hanging onto stale bread – he’s Boomer-crusty, so the analogy is appropriate – but much like the child who continues to lick her wounds well after the princess Band Aid has been applied, the ouchie remains.
Having lived through this emotional mindf*ck with my FIL and now feeling calm enough to recant the torrid tale – I’ll spare you the gory details – I’m reminded of the many times my girls have gotten into disagreements with one another and the coping mechanisms my husband and I have used as a means to resolve their differences.
As loving caregivers and flawed mediators – we’re human, we don’t always get it right – we’ve taught our girls that when someone does you wrong, or when you do wrong by someone, it’s best to immediately make amends and move on. We’ve told them that looking someone directly in the eye and saying, “I’m sorry,” followed by a quick session of hugging it out, usually works wonders.
Certainly, the latter tempers any lingering emotional pain, which can easily morph into physical pain if not quickly remedied. And then we underscore all of this by telling them that accidents happen, that people sometimes do things or say things that they don’t really mean – either because it’s self-directed or a projection of their own insecurities – but it’s always best to forgive, move forward and try not to hold onto bad feelings for too long.
It used to be that the explanation and summation of this tidy little Life Lesson worked seemingly well until my 6-year-old started to shout back, “It’s NOT okay!” She would say it with such wilful intensity that it became necessary to re-examine the issue that sparked the fierce rejection of the apology. It really could be anything – a stepped on foot, a joke told at her expense – but her reaction prompted us to see that she needed more time to feel better. On her terms. We discovered that if we’re able to do that then we’d be more apt to appreciate her reaction as normal and justified, and less inclined to insist that she hurry up and stop feeling bad. We’ve learned to give her the space to feel what she’s feeling. And if you think that this sounds indulgent it isn’t. It’s called compassion and empathy.
Apologies, acceptance and forgiveness are virtues that many of us take for granted. When someone causes us pain, the tendency is for others to say, “Oh, you just need to get over it.” But the truth is that many of us can’t. Certainly the healing process takes time and overcoming psychological pain can be a moment-to-moment event. I think it’s imperative that we re-examine our response to proffered apologies and learn to respect the rights of victims. At the very least, we need to honor their process rather than assuming that immediate forgiveness is a given. When they’re good and ready, that victim will hopefully one day become a survivor.
At the end of the day my emotional response to my FIL’s apology remains guarded. I’m convinced that the apology came because my mother was visiting and he felt awkward and guilty – or perhaps both. And, yeah, part of me is still wounded. I’ll get over it in time, but that’s up to me now, isn’t it?
What about you? How do you handle the hurt?
I apologize if this is a repost.. I’m not sure if my other one went through!
Apologies and forgiveness are awkward. Sometimes, “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it. If someone says something hurtful and they apologize, I tend to sweep it under the rug fairly quickly in most circumstances. But on the other hand, I have a memory like an elephant so it stays with me– which makes me wonder, is it really forgiveness if I still think about it sometimes? In a nutshell, I guess I forgive, but don’t forget.
Then there are things that I just can’t forgive. I’ve had family members say some really harsh things to me over the years, a few of which still feel like salt in a paper cut. I remember something my father said when I was a teenager, and to this day he hasn’t apologized for it, and I have no intention of forgiving him. But that’s a long story, and we actually are not on speaking terms anymore (a whole separate issue) so I guess it’s time to just let it go. Another person called me a pretty harsh name during an argument– and while it may sound petty, just the fact that this particular person called me a name with such venom hurts me to the core. It was completely unexpected, something I never thought they would say in a million years. I actually can’t remember if they apologized, since it was quite a while ago, but it’s one of those things that just looms in the back of my mind, even though we are on good terms.
If someone truly means their apology, I find it acceptable. But in some cases, forgiveness just isn’t an option. At least not right away. But if they apologize just because someone else put them up to it, I can’t take it. Maybe I’m condescending, but when someone apologizes to me I want them to tell me exactly why and what they are apologizing for, just so we’re both clear about what the issue at hand is and why the apology is so important.
I can imagine Ann may have been the MIL (or mother, grandmother, etc) in a situation similar to this and is taking out her frustration/anger here. I respect the way you handled it because I was truly saddened by her words. If that is adult ‘human relations’ in her perspective then we can only hope she reaches some self-awareness. Or maybe she didn’t read the whole article. Or both.
Anyway, I can relate to “Been there”‘s comment in countless ways. My own grandmother has never loved me. Her excuse is that I said something offensive to her at the ripe age of two – what I said was that I didn’t feel welcome in her house. For the record though, I do *not* remember saying that seeing as how I was two! Since, she’d been passive aggressive and snide towards me until she finally blew and said some horribly despicable things that I can’t even hint at because they’re so hurtful and I cannot stand to bring that negativity here. Things that she ‘cannot remember’ now and expects me to forget. It’s not that I’m ‘ungracious’. I just feel that slapping an “I’m sorry” band-aid, or in this case the “convenient temporary amnesia” band-aid, on a problem doesn’t always make the hurt feelings go away.
Honestly the reason Ann’s comment bums me out so much is because she has the same shameless attitude as my own g-mother.
Excellent piece and thoughtful response to the very charming Ann. Not sure where she saw you being ungracious in the story with your father in law, but i like the lesson about being honest with your feelings and letting everyone absorb and come to things in their own time. Kids are good like that — they help us help them figure out who they are.
@MK thank you so much! it means alot to me. and yes honesty is key. i`m a firm believer in validating people`s feelings when they`ve been hurt. it`s way too easy to just assume that a person who`s been hurt can get over the pain with a simple apology.
I find it absolutely horrific that a FIL would say that, in ANY situation, to his DIL. Letting the situation sit for 6 weeks was probably a bad idea; the ideal would have been to take your husband (his son) for coffee, and explain that his father can’t treat you so hurtfully. It’s very reasonable to ask that he talk to his father: “I can’t let you talk to my wife this way; it it happens again, we won’t be visiting as often, and we’ll leave immediately if it does. We want a good relationship with you, but it has to be an adult one.”
Of course, I don’t know the situation (do you live with FIL? If so, it’s time to move out – but living with him doesn’t mean having to accept emotional abuse.) In any situation, it’s vital as an adult to say, “It’s not OK for you to say that to me.” Get a coffee date with a girlfriend for the “ouchie feeling” since she can validate your sadness, and warm drinks make you feel so cozy inside, don’t they?! ^.^
@victoria, thanks for your comment! and yes being spoken to in that language was absolutely horrific! i was stunned, and very hurt. my parents were mortified that this happened to me, since they never use language like that, ever.
after the incident, my mom suggested going for coffee etc. i considered it, but then felt that i needed to protect myself a bit longer.
my husband handled it incredibly well and the moment after it happened, he literally told his dad “you cannot speak to my wife like that!”
to me it still feels awkward, but only because i`m aware of making the situation feel awkward. also it`s kind of embarassing because nothing like this has ever happened to me. if anything i think my pride is hurt.
my friends have been awesome! and i appreciate your lovely response. cheers!
we`ve had an awkward time since that they, but
I completely disagree with Ann. I can only assume that Ann is usually the perpetrator in these situations in her own family. Clearly, she has no compassion for someone that is hurt.
I am having a similar problem in my own family, except it is my Grandmother that can’t seem to control her mean behavior. She, too, cannot understand why it is okay for her to spew her anger and frustration on the rest of us, and then why we remain angry or hurt, after she has decided she is over it. Sometimes it is not about the apology, its about the jerk behind the horrible behavior that is always managing to stir up trouble. After our last incident, I have been encouraged by other people in the family to let it go, that’s the way she has always been, etc. Well, I am sick of it. I have not given in to the pressure of the others due to my anger and sadness being too much to bear. However, with the holidays coming up, i realize I am going to have to take one for the team becasue this is affecting many more people than me. I will likely absorb the burden and tell her i have let it go, but I don’t think i will ever forget this. Wishing peace for you and for myself – Good Luck
@BeenThere, thank you for your comment, and your support. family dynamics are ALWAYS tricky particularly if the relationship involves one of power.
i love your point that: “sometimes it isn’t about the apology it’s about the jerk behind the horrible behaviour.” BINGO!
bad behaviour isn`t remedied by faux-apologies. and it doesn`t stop until victims of verbal abuse,or any abuse for that matter, tell the abuser that their behaviour is acceptable.
I wouldn’t apologize to you at all if you’re so ungracious. How absolutely wretched to have such a bitter daughter-in-law. It’s not just that you are reacting so poorly, you’re reacting so poorly you have to whine about it on the internet. Maybe one day you’ll grow up and understand human relations. It’s just a shame you reproduced before that point. You’re now a horrible influence on your children, and they’ll probably be as bitter and precious as you.
@Ann, thanks for your comment. i appreciate it. i think that perspective is everything, but my point is not to whine about my situation, but rather to demonstrate how i`ve been hurt. i think that forgiveness is a process and it takes time to heal. if you believe that i`m being ungracious, well, then you miss the point. i have not revealed ALL the details in this little tale, but yes it takes two to tango.
also, my children don`t need your pity, i believe they`ll do just fine. the one thing i`m teaching them is that adults who should know better don`t get to verbally abuse you and then walk away leaving you to feel ungracious and ungrateful for something THEY did to you. if anything, your comment demonstrates that you are amongst the legion of enablers who have a misplaced allegiance towards dysfunctional adults. i wish you well.
Wow Ann that was harsh! I did not take this article as whining at all! I thought it was great. As a senstive person myself I have a hard time getting over when people hurt my feelings. It was nice to hear that other people go through that as well and that it’s okay to feel that way as long as you forgive in the end. At least thats what I took from it.
I also think it’s great your kid(s) have such an understanding mother!