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Two things happened in the span of one week that, again, made me wonder about marriage. Or rather what has become the new norm in relationships and parenting. The first was meeting Baby Daddy #1 for brunch. He had taken our daughter to ballet class and I was meeting them after for greasy eggs. I walked in a little late and in the restaurant ran into a mother at my daughter’s school. “Congratulations!” she told me, about my pregnancy. My daughter, apparently, had told her entire class that she was going to have a new sibling and also the name we had chosen. “We were wondering who the man with your daughter was,” this mother then said. “That’s her father,” I told her. I said goodbye and made my way over to the table where my daughter and her father sat. “Well, you’re definitely pregnant,” my daughter’s father said when he saw me. “Do you think that mother thinks we’re completely weird?” I asked Baby Daddy #1. I mean, there I was meeting Baby Daddy #1 for breakfast, while pregnant and showing with Baby Daddy #2’s child in my belly.
But, really, I think THIS is the new norm. There are dozens of celebrities who are postponing weddings, or who have lengthy engagements, or some who don’t plan to marry at all after getting knocked up. The list includes Kate Hudson, engaged to her Baby Daddy, Kristin Cavallari from The Hills, pregnant with a Baby Daddy, and even Jessica Simpson has postponed her wedding to give birth first (And isn’t she the daughter of a preacher?).
The list also includes an old friend of mine who wrote me a congratulatory message through Facebook, while also announcing her own pregnancy to me. I was shocked to also read that her marriage (short-lived) had ended and that the father of her soon-to-be-baby was someone else. I wrote back congratulating her and added also, because I didn’t really know what to say about the ending of her marriage and the fact she was pregnant with another man’s child, “Baby Daddies are the best!” She wrote back agreeing, and wrote, “Having a child with your husband is so 2006!” I had to laugh. Having a child with your husband is so 2006! I would even say having a child with your husband is so 2003, which is when I had my daughter with my ex, and wasn’t married.
The interesting thing is, I’m not opposed to marriage at all. It’s just not been a priority for me. Having a child was definitely a priority and having this second child was definitely a priority. I have another friend at present who is trying to get pregnant with her boyfriend and it doesn’t seem like they have talked about marriage at all. This is because she is nearing the age of 40 and, quite bluntly, her priority SHOULD be getting pregnant.
Recently I interviewed a therapist for a magazine article who specializes in women who want to get impregnated by sperm donor. She told me she is amazed that so many women are STILL unaware of fertility rates and that so many women she meets wake up one day at age 40 and say, “I want a baby.” Now, I’m not suggesting that women go out and get knocked up (or become “up the duff” as my British friend told me) by any means possible. But it seems the new norm is figuring out who would make a good father as opposed to making a good husband.
I KNEW my Baby Daddy #2 would and will make an awesome father. First, he has two children already who he clearly adores and spends so much time with, he even makes me feel guilty. Second, he WANTED another child. Being a good father already and wanting to be a father again made him the perfect Baby Daddy. From that, I can tell he will also make a great husband. But I know so many people who realize shortly after they get married (Um, Kim Kardashian anyone?) that they have married bad husbands. And if you marry a bad husband, then why would you want them to be a father, especially the father of your child? Whereas if you have a baby with a great guy, chances are you’ll love him as a husband later, at some point, or just be happy that he’s a good father to your child.
I know, I know. Many women cannot, for religious reasons, personal beliefs, get over the fact that First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Baby in a Baby Carriage. Sorry to say that the new norm is First comes Love, Then Comes Baby, Then Comes Marriage, Maybe (which isn’t as catchy, I’ll admit.)
I will probably get married this time around. But I’ve fallen more in love with my Baby Daddy #2 BECAUSE of how I see him as a father — when he comes to appointments with me, races out to get my craving foods, and how he treats his children. To me the norm now IS meeting Baby Daddy #1 for lunch with Baby Daddy #2’s child in me. One can always wait for marriage. But you can’t always wait for pushing that baby carriage
(photo: WENN)
Maybe this ISN’T the normal and maybe you’re just trying to constantly reassure yourself of how wonderful you and your choices are despite the fact that you seem to have constant doubts. Though, you are just like the celebrities so you must be on the right path!
78 days ago
[...] of you who have chuckled at Rebecca’s Eckler‘s insistence that “Raising A Baby With Your Husband Is So 2006” might want to reconsider the truth to such an assertion. It’s not only celebrities [...]
@ NotThumper We have a phrase for people with words for people – Judgmental Bitch. I take serious offense at the implication that because I have a child with my exHUSBAND that I am somehow a slut. And yes, you were implying slut. Women seriously need to stop tearing each other down.
Oh Frances you never fail to amuse me with your lack of reading comprehension skills. Thank you for that laugh!
No, you do not come off as a slut for procreating with an ex-husband. What does come off as slutty is when you have children with different men purposefully and proudly. Around here the only people I’ve ever heard use the term “baby daddy” are slutty people.
Go ahead and call me a judgmental bitch, I can handle that judgement.
Notthumper: I’m not going to call you names, but I would suggest you rethink calling ANYONE a slut or slutty. It’s degrading and misogynistic and frankly no one has a right to use that sort of terminology towards any woman. And I think you are a bit off base with your initial comment and your response to Frances. You are being incredibly judgmental (and as I already said misogynistic) and you really don’t seem to be using any of those reading comprehension skills you seem so proud of.
I never said I wasn’t judging. When someone makes a comment “Baby Daddies are the best!” to me that seems like she is PROUD of the fact that she is having children with multiple men. My reading comprehension skills are just fine.
You may call me whatever you like, it won’t phase me as I am sure how I feel towards the author isn’t going to phase her. She is seemingly happy with her life and her choices but when she parades them around and laughs at the statement “having a child with your husband is so 2006!” she opens herself up to judgement.
It makes me sad that you don’t care about being misogynistic. I guess this explains why 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetimes.
I wonder how one can be a misogynist when they are female. Doesn’t seem to make sense does it?
And what the hell does sexual assault have to do with this?
Notthumper: It’s sad that you need this explained, but I’ll do it anyway.
First, your sexual organs don’t stop you from being hateful. There are plenty of females who embrace hate filled stereotypes and language either because they think it makes them more attractive to the opposite sex (the:”oh, I’m not an annoying bitch like all those other girls” women) or because they’ve been raised in a culture or religion that encourages them to view their own gender as lesser in some way (the: “Of course my husband should get to tell me what to do and my daughters shouldn’t be educated past high school” women) or because they’ve simply internalized the incredibly messed up messages about women society in general sends out on the regular (the: “Oh, God No! I am definitely not a feminist! Feminist is a bad word. Feminists hate men and suck!” women). The inverse is also true; there are plenty of men who do not engage in misogynistic language or practices despite their penises!
Second: Your casual embrace of the word slut, your continued judgment of another woman’s sexual practices and your inability to connect this to anti-female sentiments in general has EVERYTHING to do with rape culture and the abysmally high percentage of sexual assaults. Women and men who snidely judge women for their sexual choices, who fling around words like slut and whore and who insist on labeling those who do not fall under their own particular (and very small) umbrella of ok sexual practices as deviants ARE rape culture.
Every time you use a word like slut to describe a woman you are subscribing to the same principle that devalues women, that sends the message that rape prevention is women’s responsibility and that jumps on the “but what was she wearing/drinking/doing” bandwagon when rape does occur. When you attempt to shame a woman for being in control of her own sexuality YOU are sending the message that society–not women–are in control of women’s bodies and YOU are sending the message that it’s ok to view women through this lens alone.
After reading your little rant here and realizing how way off base you were I went and did a little research on our columnist here. I must say, it was fascinating reading!
In one of her older articles she muses about what she is doing, out late with a man while engaged to and pregnant by another. She says ” After all, what kind of woman goes out with a cute single man at 11 on a Saturday night when she’s pregnant with another man’s child?”
Good question! What kind of woman does that? It seems a woman with loose sexual morals does that.
This is not me being hateful, this is me being honest. I generally find that when people get offended by certain words it’s usually because they know it is true.
You are correct though, the type of woman that she questions herself to be, is devaluing women. What bothers me is that she has a daughter, does she really want her daughter to act the way she acts? I can understand falling in love with someone else unintentionally but the responsible thing to do would have been to tell the first man right away rather than hide their relationship and pretend the second man was the baby’s father because it was “easier”.
I can even understand having a child with another man that you have been with and are in love with but when you start joking about “baby daddies” and “having a child with your husband is so 2006″ its that cavalier attitude that can be attributed to someone with loose morals. It also doesn’t help when one of her recent articles was all about how she loves her baby daddy but doesn’t want to live with him.
You are seriously jumping the gun about rape though. I do not put the blame on a woman who is raped, I’d never think someone was “asking for it” due to their actions or dress. Just because a woman sleeps with a dozen men she does it because she wants to, this in no way means another man is entitled to sleep with her. You assuming my implication automatically equals my agreement in this is incredibly off base. One does not always necessarily equal the other. I think if a woman dresses provocatively I think she should be a bit more aware because some men may view the attire as an easy target but that certainly does not mean she deserves to be raped, no one deserves it.
I see you trying to illustrate a point here, but the dots you are trying to connect aren’t always that close together.
My initial comment was my first reaction to her story. It was offensive to those of us who believe that having a child is a very big deal so who you have it with should be just as big of a deal. People are always going to judge because we’ll never be on the same page for everything and when you make the statement that your way is the “new norm” after describing your way, yeah, people are going to judge.
Now perhaps you shouldn’t judge someone to the extent you have based on one word that I didn’t even use in the first place. Yes, “slut” could have been used in my first post, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the one I was going for. But since that was the one I was accused of I just went with it.
Now with all of that said, if she is happy with her life then that’s fabulous but when you write articles with titles created clearly to incite the readers you are absolutely opening yourself up to judgement.
Notthumper: You can make excuses all you want, but you excepted the term slut and used it against another woman. I don’t give a damn what “moral values” you have, the fact is that YOU and everyone who chooses to devalue women in the way you just did ARE responsible for rape culture. That’s not to say that you are out there with pom poms cheering on rapists, it’s to say that by creating a culture in which women are defined and demeaned based on their sexual proclivities YOU are tacitly and perhaps even unconsciously making rape more acceptable.
And the fact that you called a well thought out and not at all angry or judgmental comment a “rant” tells me that you just frankly don’t care about facts.
PS: Since you had to go and do research on Rebecca your initial slut-shaming was based on NOTHING more than this post. Your initial comment was classist and misogynistic and there is absolutely nothing that you can say that would make it any less so. Perhaps you should try to learn and grow as a person instead of continuing as a part of an ever growing rape culture.
Whatever Jen, clearly you are hell bent on believing what you want. I could even go in a different direction and explain to you again how you are actually incorrect but you just want to believe what you want to believe.
Notthumper: You keep telling everyone how “wrong” they are without offering anything but attempted derailments to prove your point. As I said before you are entitled to your opinion and beliefs, but YOU are a key component of rape culture and rape acceptance.
When I explained how you were wrong you kept going with your belief. I am not a key component of rape culture or acceptance, a fact you can’t seem to get through your head.
But you’re entitled to your own opinion as I am mine so this back and forth is pointless.
” I think if a woman dresses provocatively I think she should be a bit more aware because some men may view the attire as an easy target but that certainly does not mean she deserves to be raped, no one deserves it.”
That. That right there. Proves my point, more than ANYTHING I can ever say will. That attitude along with calling women sluts and making judgments about the lives they lead IS rape culture. YOU are rape culture.
Don’t be naive. EVERY woman should be aware of her surroundings at all times. A woman should be even more aware if she is dressed up, showing off some skin, however you want to put it. That’s just common sense. That is in no way to say a woman shouldn’t dress however she likes. Dressing one way does not mean you deserve to be raped, nothing means that since no one deserves it. But there is also nothing wrong with being aware. I
‘m smart enough to know that I’m more likely to be hit on in a strapless mini dress as opposed to jeans and a sweater. Does that mean I deserve to be raped? Of course not. I’m less likely to walk with my headphones on dressed in the mini dress than I would be in the jeans though.
The quote you used is interesting since in it I say women should be always be aware but more so if they perceive an outfit of theirs to attract more attention and then also say that that doesn’t mean they deserve it if something happens to them. That proves nothing. All that proves is that I don’t believe anyone deserves to be raped and that women should always be aware.
It’s quite clear that you want to see what I am saying as something else. You want to pin a whole culture on me. If it makes you feel better then go for it but maybe you should stop to think as to why I feel the way I do about these things. Could it be possible that I or someone close to me was ever raped?
Interesting.
Notthumper: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You just keep on proving me correct. I really appreciate that you are finally admitting (albeit without intending to) that YOU are in fact a part of rape culture. If you want to win more arguments you might try and actually understand them before you start telling everyone how right you are.
PS: You can “play” the “maybe I or someone close to me was raped” card, but statistically that’s true for pretty much EVERY woman posting here and elsewhere–including yours truly. Plenty of rape victims internalize the incredibly messed up ideas about rape that society embraces, that’s a large reason why rape tends to be underreported and why many rapists go free when their victims decline to testify or otherwise help DAs.
Whatever Jen. If you want to blame me since you can’t comprehend what I am saying then blame away.
Jen, I was raped in a very abusive relationship, and I was raped 5 years later, on my way home from a club with friends. I don’t think anything NotThumper has said, has warranted how fiercely you have attacked her with all of your rape culture talk. I actually find what YOU have said to her more offensive than ANYTHING she said. And this is coming from a rape survivor.
“baby daddy” boarders on pejorative.
You’re happy with your life. That’s all that matters. I’m happy with mine as well, having married my wonderful husband first, and then had his babies. He’s a damn good father too. I just know how to pick ‘em I guess =]
Perhaps its a regional thing. I live in the midwest and while it certainly happens that there are babies before there are rings. Its not the norm. In fact one our local cities (tiny in comparison to huge cities like NY, Chicago etc.) was number 5 on the list of most engaged cities. I realize engaged does not equal married (or happily married for that matter). But in this area its not the norm to have babies with people who aren’t your spouse.
If you want to refrain from getting the 1000+ rights and privileges that marriage offers, that’s fine. But, I’m bothered by the idea that marriage no longer needed. And if we say marriage isn’t important, than wouldn’t it just makes it that much easier to deny marriage to gays and lesbians? A big part of society already believes a civil union is adequate.
To each his own, for sure. As long as everyone’s happy, healthy and taken care of. The only thing I don’t get is that this is “the new norm” as the author put it…I think it’s something that’s more normal than not, but not THE norm. I don’t even know what that would be for families anymore.
I agree that Rebecca overstepped by calling this model the “new norm”. I also agree that there is no such thing any longer. Rather, family has become a fluid and all encompassing term which is great as more families become included in our definition.
Maybe I’m just full of cold meds and baked goods, but I didn’t find this particular post of Rebecca’s offensive and I find most of her stuff plenty gross. Parents–and most especially mothers–who have children outside of marriage get A LOT of crap from general society. People talk down to us, they make assumptions about who we are or the choices we’ve made. With the exception of the title–which is explained in the context of the article–there is nothing negative said about marriage. Rather, Rebecca was exploring the weirdness that comes with having a child when you are not married to that child’s father and delving a bit further into the reasons this phenomenon is becoming more common.
I agree. The last piece from this author got under my nerves, but this piece seems to be right up my alley, lol.
Yes, you are very trendy and cool, just like celebrities. But the word you want is ‘span,’ not ‘spawn.’
This made me spew coffee. Spot on and hilarious.
Do you think you could POSSIBLY be more offensive???? Good grief, just stop bashing marriage already.
Why must you put down people that have children within marriage? What are you trying to prove? That your situation is so much better than everyone else’s that did it the “2006 way”?
She’s a real piece of work, this one. I think she’s just trying to justify her poor choices and make herself feel better by hating on the people that actually have legitimate children with their legal spouses.
I, for one, am happy to be married and having a baby with my husband.
I know, right? Call me old fashioned. It’s not that I “couldn’t get over” the love-marriage-babies structure of events — it’s what happened and it’s what I wanted. I don’t think that as women having multiple children by different fathers is something we should strive for, nor do I think it’s the new normal.
I also found this article a bit offensive. Where I am from we have a word for women with multiple “baby daddies”…I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out.
I think it is perfectly fine to have a child out of wedlock. I think the part people take issue with is when you purposefully have 2 children by 2 different men and seem proud of it.
I somehow doubt you’d want your daughter sleeping with multiple men and having children with each one.
Also, the term “baby daddy” is rather childish…
I was also unmarried when I gave birth to my daughter (though she was an unplanned gift). While a lot of my more conservative family members thought my then-boyfriend-now-husband should have made it legal before I gave birth it just seemed like a stupid reason to rush into a marriage. We both wanted to make sure that we were going to stay married (at least as much as anyone can predict the future) before we made the decision to get married. It might make things a little awkward when my daughter explains how she was at her mommy and daddy’s wedding, but for us it was absolutely the right choice.
I was 3 when I was at my parent’s wedding – I really like that I can remember the day. And most people don’t look at me funny when I tell them I was there. They’re more curious if I can remember any of it, and think it’s sweet.
Same here- we were together a month when I got pregnant with our daughter, and I was on the pill which had worked for the prior 7 years. It’s not the situation I thought I’d be in, but here we are, a little over three years later, planning our wedding for next spring. I’m excited that our daughter will be able to be in our wedding, and for us, it’s worked out great. Again, not the original plan, but I wouldn’t change a thing
Tawnya: I also love that my daughter got to be part of our wedding, but I do get funny (and often judgmental) looks from people when she tells them she was our flower girl. One woman even suggested that I should have had a private ceremony so that we could tell my daughter we were married before she was born so we wouldn’t set a “bad example”. The idea that a couple should entangle themselves on a legal level just because they are having a child together seems laughably silly with the divorce rate what it currently is.
S: I’m glad to hear that’s your experience and I hope my daughter has similar ones. I’ve definitely gotten some odd looks and comments, but so far none have been directed to her.