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It was just a few weeks after gay marriage was sanctioned in the state of New York that my partner of 14 years, my four-year-old daughter, and I were sitting at our dinner table, and Daughter asked us, “If you two get married, which one of you will wear a dress?”
First response: “That’s a good question.” (Affirming the child’s sense of curiosity and connecting a newsy event to gender expression through fashion.)
In sort-of-whispered asides, both my partner and I wondered if our daughter had seen a picture in the newspaper of a lesbian wedding where, we assumed, one wife wore a dress, and the other, a suit. Or if she had just picked up on a lot of background conversation in the last month about gay marriage becoming legal in our state. Daughter insisted that no, she hasn’t been exposed to a lesbian wedding, she just wondered which of us would wear The Dress.
A moment of disturbance passed, as I remember the enormity of the cultural significance of a wedding dress, and how an only-four-year-old child already grasps this at some core level, even without living in a heterosexual married household. She’s been to just one (heterosexual) wedding in her life, but she was a flower girl, and it apparently made an impact.
So my partner says, “Well, I think I would probably wear a dress.”
And I add, after a few moments, “I think I’d probably wear a dress, too.” Although a really hot pantsuit would sorta be my style too, I admit, remembering fondly a white, narrowly tailored, very-low-cut white Stella McCartney suit Partner and I once glimpsed together in a window in the Meat Packing District.
Daughter says, “But one of you has to wear a suit.” And we gently explain that if we were to get married, we could actually wear whatever we chose, and that neither of us would have to wear a white dress – or any dress for that matter, even though we probably would, because, what better occasion for a fantastic dress?
This answer isn’t satisfactory for our daughter. She asks, “If two men get married, would one of them wear a dress?”
My partner explains that that’s pretty unlikely, and that it’s more common for women to wear men’s clothing – again, something that requires more complicated explanation, for an older child – than the other way around, and that in fact, a lot of womenswear is inspired by menswear. My mental photo album flips to Le Smoking Jacket by Yves Saint Laurent from the 1960s. We don’t in fact engage in a discussion of transvestism or drag performance – maybe when she’s five.
That response seems to satisfy our daughter’s line of questioning on this topic, for today at least. I haven’t the heart to tell her yet that I’m still conflicted about the institution of marriage that has suddenly, finally become accessible to me. How can you explain Groucho Marx, Karl Marx, and Andrea Dworkin all at once to a four-year-old? But I can still fantasize about my wedding dress. It won’t be white, by the way. I’m an “autumn.”
(Photo: Jeffrey Hamilton)
4 hours ago
[...] of Obama, it turns out his daughters Malia and Sasha were a major force behind his decision to back gay marriage. As Obama himself explained: “You know, Malia and Sasha, they have friends whose parents are [...]
i don’t agree with the lifestyle..It’s does not line up with the Word of God..But, I cannot and will not judge..I have a son who lives the life..I accept him, because he is my son..And I love him..Over the past 6 years, I have grown to love his partner as a son..Him and I, have many, many, conversations..We have agreed to disagree I reach out to him in Love..God didn’t judge me, I refuse to judge others.. I will leave you with this Scripture..John 3:16.” For God so loved the world,that He gave His only begotten son,that whosoever beliveth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life..” V. 17: God sent not his son into the world to condem the world, but that world through him might be saved..”"
I have a personal interest here b/c 2 of the three participants happen to be my daughter and granddaughter. A suggestion would be that it is not the “dress” that is important, but the love and comittment of the two parties involved.
Just a thought from a dinasaur from the past.
PS: thanx 4 sharing and love 2 all
The link to this piece on the home page shows “4 comments”… However, after coming to this page, I only see one. Coincidentally (or not?), it agrees with you. I believe there is some deleting of comments going on here
In which case I must ask, whatever happened to freedom of speech and respecting others opinions? If someone posts a comment, have the decency (and the cahones) to actually keep it posted instead of censoring the ones that you don’t like (I’ve seen this with multiple writers on this site, *ahem Rebecca Eckler et al).
Do you have any advice on how to broach the subject of gay marriage/homosexuality to young children who have only been exposed to heterosexual relationships? My close friends all happen to be straight (and single, for that matter), but my husband and I are very much pro-equality and want our child to grow up being comfortable with homosexuality and gay marriage. My uncle is gay and lives with his partner, and my daughter has met them at family gatherings, but I don’t know if that’s enough. We just don’t want her thinking that straight relationships are “normal” and gay relationships are not. Obviously, the idea of seeking out gay couples for her to meet just for this purpose is unsavory to me, and we don’t really let her watch TV (especially the news). She’s four years old as well. Sorry if this seems like a strange question; we just really want to handle this the right way and are taking advice anywhere we can get it!
Interesting article…
Our two year old seems to just accept without question the families around us, no matter their make-up (but I know that can’t last forever).
She did, however express SERIOUS concern over whether or not my husband and I were in fact married because she’d never seen a photo of my dress. I hauled out the wedding album and she was very satisfied with the evidence… Like you, I have NO IDEA where she got the dress idea from. She’s never been to a wedding in her life.
What a wonderful anecdote! As a heterosexual married adult and New York State resident, I was proud when NYS made same sex marriages legal, but never really thought about what my 2 year old daughter would think. She is 2 and has no concept of what a wedding is at this point, despite being a flower girl when she was 18 months old. Hopefully, she will live in a world where I don’t have to explain who will wear the dress, because it won’t matter. I am sure I will have my share of difficult conversations, and I can only hope I can handle them with the honesty and simplicity with which you answered your daughter’s question.
i love the age-appropriate explanations for what doesn’t necessarily have to be viewed as a complicated or complex situation. i think that the less we fret about what we tell our children, and how we explain life as we know it to our children, the better equipped they are to understand and feel compassion for people who don’t share the same lifestyle as they do.
i believe in honesty. and i’d like to think that my husband and i give our girls a nuanced view of the world. generally speaking, i tend to err on the side of too little information as opposed to too much information, which prompts them to ask more questions. for me it’s a good gage of what their brains can handle. as it turns out, it seems to be quite alot!