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When my husband and I made our wedding vows in the fall of 2002, I swore to love and honor and cherish him. Then we had kids.
Don’t get me wrong: 10 years and two daughters later, I still love the man I married. But like most moms out there, I would sacrifice anything, including my husband, for my children. And though we’ve never discussed it, he knows this about me, and I think it upsets him.
If the topic were ever to come up, I’d probably justify my feelings by telling him to ask any mother out there if she feels otherwise. In my opinion, he’d be hard-pressed to find someone to admit that yes, they love their husband more than they love their children.
The smart and diplomatic among us might say, “I love them all equally” – just as we’re programmed to say about our actual children. But they’d secretly think, “If I had to pull just one person from a burning house, it would be my child, no question about it.”
I mean, what mom wouldn’t say that?
To date, I have only found one. That would be writer Ayelet Waldman, who in 2009 confessed that she loves her husband more than her four children. People were aghast! Some even labelled her “bad mom.” Here’s a snippet of what she had to say:
I used to worry what was wrong with me. Why do I seem to be the only mother who hasn’t transferred all the burning passion I felt for my husband to my children? Why aren’t my precious children the center of my universe, as they appear to be for every other mother?
When my first daughter was born, my husband held her in his hands and exulted: ‘She’s so beautiful.’ And she was. Friends came to coo over her. I remember one marvelling: ‘Aren’t you completely in love?’ And of course I was. Only not with my baby.
I do love her. But I’m not in love with her. Nor am I in love with her two brothers or sister. Don’t get me wrong. I relish spending time with them. In fact, I quit my high-powered job as a lawyer when my eldest child was 17 months old because I missed her so much…
But, while I cherish the time I have with my children, I’m not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband. It is his face – not theirs – that leaves me aching with infatuated devotion. Quite simply, I love my husband more than I love my children.
Truth be told, I know lots of women – myself included – who may have been surprised by Waldman’s “confession,” but who were also envious. “Where is my burning passion?” we’d ask ourselves late at night, husbands snoring by our sides.
And I think that’s what tends to happen. We’re so busy running around, caring for and nurturing these little beings, that we often don’t have enough to give to our partners – at least not while the kids are little and require constant attention. I have friends who are over the hump – their children are becoming more self-sufficient and they suddenly have a renewed interest in sex, date night, adult conversation (all the things that made them fall in love with their partner in the first place).
But when the kids are whining and there’s no food in the fridge and it’s freezing cold outside and nobody has slept, we tend to look at our unshaven husbands and think, “How did I get here?” We still love them, yes, but the passion is on hiatus, let’s just say.
Then we’ll look down at our kids, all wide-eyed and innocent, and we’ll feel a pang of love like no other. It’s that mother-child connection that, even in the most trying of moments, never disappears. And is it ever powerful!
I guess the trick is differentiating the various types of love we feel for our family members. Like most moms I know, I love my kids unconditionally. I love my husband, too, but it’s not innate – at least not in the same way. And I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me. So there you have it.
Waldman may have gotten shit for her big revelation, but I’m going to the other extreme here by saying, You know what? I love my children more than my husband. And I don’t care who knows it.
(Photo: Dynamic Graphics)
I really had to laugh at the people who said :” I love my husband more than my children”.
I completely agree with Wolfmother, some of the comments here are really disturbing and were obviously made by TROLLS who dont have children and never experienced parenthood (quinn , Jess , Katie , Laura are the trolls I am talking about ).
It`s funny how all of them (maybe its just one person disguising him/herself as more persons) always come up with the same argument : When your kids are grown up they will leave you…ehhhmmmm…sure , they will move out but its not like you will never see them again, fools. They will always be your children and you will always be their mother/ father…fact. By the way , that depends on the culture. In eastern countries its common for at least 1 child to stay with the parents. Even when he gets married he stays there with his wife and will even raise his children there.
And only complete fools believe in marriage. Look at the divorce rate and cry about it you fools. Partners are replaceable , children are not.
You love your child unconditionaly. If your child lies to you , you still love it. If your partner does , its a complete diffrent story and way more serious.
Whoa there turbo! Talk about trolling! I’m not sure how my comment of…
“My husband was holding my hand during an emergency c-section and he will be holding my hand when we drop our daughter off at college.”
…translates to me not having a child.
The way I see it, I love my child unconditionally but I choose to unconditionally love my husband. Not more, not less but different – which is what I wrote in my original post. I believe in order to have a content family life the parents must put their relationship and marriage first. That doesn’t mean that we neglect our daughter but my husband and I make sure that our commitment to each other is strong so that we can be the best parents (both together and individually) to our daughter.
I’m sorry that you had a bad experience with marriage in your life but not everyone shares your world view. I had wonderful parents growing up who not only loved and cared for me but each other as well (and 42 years later still do!) and there’s no doubt in my mind that my husband and I will do the same for my daughter.
I agree with Laura’s sentiment, even though I feel a little differently about this subject. Just because we have a differing opinion doesn’t make us “childless trolls”. When did this website turn into such a snarky, one-upping, vitriolic
When did this website turn into such a snarky, one-upping, vitriolic vat of self righteousness?? Just because I don’t share the majority opinion doesn’t make me a “childless troll”. I really question that logic. Why can’t we share our experiences of motherhood and family without being chastised for it? And Saken, I’m sorry that you are so jaded about marriage in general, but that doesn’t make you wrong. You are entitled to your opinion, just like everyone else. I really hope you can find other outlets to express your rage other than websites like this where parents are just looking for some information and comraderie.
Ugh, my computer acted up, I didn’t mean to post twice.
I believe Vivi and RG Sema’s comments are most appropriate. It is unbelieveable that these articles have to be written. There should be no discussion of “choosing” anyone member of a family over another. Yes, husband and wife are “One Flesh” and that bond should be the basis of the family. Their romantic love is vastly different from the love a mother feels for her child and should never be compared, much less should any comparison ever be discussed with the child. The children should revolve around the bond between the husband and the wife. They need to know that come what may, their parents will stick together and the parents will always be their for their children. That gives the children the security to live and grow without the burden of wondering if mama and daddy will divorce and also if they give up on each other will they give up on me?
As far as saving the members of the household, save the members who are the weakest first, hopefully, daddy is a big boy and can save himself or at least hang on until the ones most in danger can be saved. Either way, my husband (who has had the opportunity to live his life to the full) and I would want our daughter to be the first one rescued so she could grow up and be able to live out her life to the full.
Hopefully, some of the writers who get these kinds of debates started will focus their attentions on constructive discussions like how to protect victims of domestic abuse, child sexual abuse or human trafficking.
I am 16 year old boy , and I know that my mother and father love each other the most and I am so glad to have such a great father and mother.
i would have hated my mother if she had love me more then my father .
Those mother who love their son more then their spouse are selfish in my eyes.
Spouse should always come first no matter what.
even in burning fire situation,i would expect my mother to save my father because they are soul mate and should love each the most.
I don’t know how someone can put their child way above their husband,its kind of weird to be true.
you can love your child more and tou can proudly say you are good mother but you can never say that you are a good wife.
You are not only the mother but only someone’s wife too
so this is my view.
And I would expect my future wife to like that.
I read this article.
Then I read these comments.
… I’m glad to be childfree: I won’t ever have to share your attention between my man and my kids (and frankly, even if I had kids, I’d put their father first at any given time).
Besides, I remember being a kid myself and desperately wishing that my mother loved my father. Kids are happier when they see that their parents love each other, not when they realize that they’re the “glue” in their parents’ relationship.
If it came down to a life or death situation and I had to choose my children, or my husband, I would save my children but it would not be a speedy thing. There would be that Hollywood lingering look before I whisk the kids to safety. That does not mean I love my children more. I love them differently. My husband is a wonderful man, my best friend and I love him with all of my being, always have, the love for my children is simply a different love, also all encompassing, but beyond me, innate, like you said. I would save my children first, my husband second, and he would do the same with me. We have lived our lives. We have already gone through the motions, gone to school, gotten jobs, gotten married, had children. We would gladly give our lives for our children so they could experience the same. Again, not because I love my husband less, but because I love him differently, and because we are good parents, who would die for our kids. It even came down to a conversation after a car accident while I was pregnant. I said if anything happened and he was the only one around to help, and I was dying that he had to cut our child from my womb. And he agreed. Not because he loved me less than our daughter. I hope this is making sense. I do not love one more than the other. Just as I don’t have a favorite child. It’s a different love and love just can’t be classified.
I didn’t realize the author was saying that controversial a thing. I believe the answers to these general questions (as people have said not whether you “love” – because it’s a different type of emotion for each – but make the “center” of your world a spouse or child) differs greatly based on time periods and culture. In my community, the child rarely leaves a parents life (or even city) because they get married – I come from a large matriarchal close knit type family. Couple this with the fact that men tend to die, in this community, 15 to 20 years sooner than a woman, which almost always leaves an elderly mother in the care of a child, particularly daughter, it’s no wonder to see why women in this instance would prioritize a child over spouse. Add that to the fact that historically (and currently in most of the world) marriage had no pretense of love at all but was all about procreation and economy, as already stated on this thread, and it’s easy to see how parenting children has traditionally evolved as the most important reason to have a family, not loving a spouse. I believe this trend started to reverse itself in certain countries like the US in the last century when there was a concerted effort to make marriage about love and possibly because of high infant mortality rates and need for a working spouse, but now with the rise in divorce and many children being born to people who aren’t married and women being even more employed than men – well, basically I think comments like I love my child more will soon be uncontroversial again. And really – this is sort of the rule for most of if not all of the animal kingdom.
I agree with you, Vivi, VERY much that mothers should not explicitly tell their children that they love someone else more. This is damaging to their self-esteem and forever sets up a doubt regarding their intrinsic self-worth because a mother’s love and prioritization of her offspring, as a general rule, is a given, biological, foregone conclusion.
And Giselle above writes some very valuable things. Any conversation about this is enhanced greatly by an anthropological and sociological background perspective. Culture, economy, and self-preservation (as in other societies and historical traditions, as well as the animal kingdom) are some of the most powerful influences on maternal loyalty vs. spousal loyalty. In fact, today in our modern, industrialized, developed nation, these variables may still play into why some women place their children before their husbands and vice versa.
Women obviously love their children *differently* than they do their husband.
However…
when I was a child, my mother always told me and my sister that she loved my father more, and would save him first if we were all drowning because “a woman can have more children, but can never replace a husband.”
Yes, she actually said this to her children, when we were 4 and 5 years old. and many times after.
When I had my own, I DID NOT feel this way, and told my husband. He looked at me wide-eyed and said “Your mother is NUTS! You can NEVER replace a child! Besides, I’d want you to save the kids first, they’re MY kids, too!”
My husband and I love our children differently than we do each other, and as long as they need us more, we love them more.
Ladies, whatever your feelings are, PLEASE don’t tell your children you love someone else more. Because your children need you more than anyone, and your husband is a grown-up.
This is a very old issue dressed up as something new.
As I scrolled through every comment, it struck me how divisive this group became. I am always fascinated (and perturbed) by how the media and social constructions can divide us as women. We struggle with many of the same, very difficult roles and responsibilities, yet we attack each other readily instead of supporting each other through a maze of expectations and judgments that society places upon us and that we place upon ourselves. Society is very hard on the mother. Everything is our “fault”. And we buy into this illusion.
The whole debate became an either/or issue, as if readers bought into the article’s premise that we “have” to choose between husband and children. The choices here were judged as either codependent or obsessive or selfish or smothering. It is misleading to assume that a woman has to declare to others or herself WHO is loved more. The love for both is deep and innately distinct.
Sometimes, a woman has to place her husband and marriage first. Sometimes, the child’s needs have to come first. Most of the time, though, it is a precarious balancing act that we navigate as best we can . . . . forgetting to include our own needs in the equation! I support all wives and mothers, and those to be, who strive every day to have their entire family’s best interests at heart. It’s not easy, but genuine love usually shows us the way.
I think this is wonderfully put.
I couldn’t agree with this more. Wonderfully written.
I think it’s a different kind of love for each, so I’m not sure how you can say you love one more than the other.
Your kids will ALWAYS be your kids, even when they have grown up and left home. With the rate of divorce and separation as it is now, no-one can say with any certainty that their marriage will last forever.
Good on you Alexandra!
90 days ago
[...] women may love their children more than they love their husbands, but the role of parents is to first and foremost cultivate a healthy and stable home for their [...]
My husband and I committed to putting our marriage first, even when kids came along. We’re each other’s #1 for the long haul.
We figure our beloved baby will benefit from having parents as role models that make time for themselves and each other and continue to work on their relationship. He will have happier parents, who are people as well as Mom and Dad. He will also not feel the stress of being solely responsible for my happiness.
I live away from my parents, whom I’m close to. They never let their marriage slide and are now happily enjoying retirement with each other. I enjoyed seeing my parents going out on dates and dancing in the kitchen.
I’d hate to think my mom dropped everything for me and pushed my dad aside, especially now that I’m away and have my own family.
Moreover, they modeled a healthy marriage for me, and that made me a happy kid and a well-adjusted adult, if I do say so myself.
I was just going to post the same thing. My husband and I are the EXACT same way. And my parents were the same way. I never felt less loved because my parents put each other first. I hope one day my kids can say the same thing.
Holy goodness. Look, you love your husband, AND you love your kids. They’re not in competition; it doesn’t matter which one you “love more.”
This is like saying “I love my mother more than my father! I would SACRIFICE him to save her!!” Maybe it’s a real feeling, but it’s creepy and strange to express it. I really don’t think it’s healthy to focus so much on categorizing the people you love, no matter WHO comes out on the top of the list.
Hear, hear!
I agree with the author. There’s a special, visceral kind of love you have for your kids that you don’t have for your husband. I wouldn’t say I love my kids “more” … but my toddler can spend the day kicking and screaming at me, and then I still feel overwhelmed with love for him when I rock him to sleep at night. It’s instinctive, and it keeps me from throwing him out the window.
With my husband, I have more expectations. I don’t put up with as much from him (and I certainly shouldn’t have to, since he isn’t two). When we fight, I stew over it for a bit. I don’t automatically pick up every inch of slack in our relationship and forgive everything instantly without an apology. But at the same time, if I am looking for a relaxing evening, I’d much rather snuggle on the couch with my husband talking politics than deal with a toddler who wouldn’t go to bed. It’s just a totally different kind of love — and, admittedly, a more rational and less overwhelming kind.
As a person who grew up with a mom who frequently told me that she loved me a lot “but not as much as I love Daddy” … don’t do this to your kids, people. Just tell them you love them a lot. No need to compare.
I actually did make the “Sophie’s Choice” decision recently. I was awake when the house started to shake. I figured it was a minor quake but instantly thought, “What if it’s a big one and the house starts to collapse? Do I try to wake my husband or rush to the baby’s room?” Answer: husband gets a firm smack and I hope that’s good enough, but I’m running to help the one who actually depends on me to stay alive. I told my husband about that in the morning, and he thought it was quite reasonable.
I’m really disturbed by some of the comments here.
Don’t worry. The feeling is probably mutual.
Kudos to Waldman, her marriage will last forever precisely because she puts her husband first ahead of her children .
Meh… Enjoy your loneliness when your husband divorces you and your kids get lives of their own and don’t want anything to do with your obsessive self.
…Except, silly me, that was meant for the post above yours and there doesn’t appear to be a delete option. My bad.
Katie: Enjoy your kids hating you when they grow up and realize that you put a dick before them and their well being.
My husband’s not “a dick.” He’s the man I’ve shared my life with since I was 16. Nice to know what you think of your kids’ father though. I’m sure that’s very healthy.
This “kids > my husband” thing is why most kids are such brats nowadays… Your spouse is meant to be more important than your children. You ladies are going to the be the mothers-in-law from hell. What exactly would you do if you lived back when you could routinely expect many of your children not to live to adulthood?
Oh my gosh, what if you lived in the days where there was no indoor plumbing?? What would you do if you lived in the time where women couldn’t vote??? What if all these things are actually non-issues just like your last comment?!?!?!?!??
You mad?
Sheesh, feel free to contribute something of substance next time.
Sorry, that should be, “Feel free to contribute something of substance next time!?!?!!?!?!?!?”
Anyway, there shouldn’t be a competition between spouse and kids…but if there has to be, you should probably go with the one who’s going to be living with you every day for the rest of your lives, not the one that leaves after a couple of decades.
Mad? No, more like amused. Thank you for pointing out how ridiculous my comment was, much like how ridiculous it is to ask someone to think about what they would do if they lived in a century where the infant mortality rate was very high. It is sad to think about, but doesn’t apply to most people these days, specifically people who come to read and comment on this website. For Katie to point that out was exactly what I said it was, a non-issue.
No wonder so many husbands leave their wives and seek out the arms of a person who can truly love them.
I would be absolutely heartbroken if I gave my life, heart and money to a person and they admitted something like this to me.
All the more reason for men to choose hot, childfree chicks!
Exactly what I was thinking. Holy jeez what are you gonna do when your children are gone? And believe me, it’ll HAPPEN. And then what?
I put my marriage and my husband FIRST. Without that strong foundation, our family wouldn’t exist. And my husband is going to be around a lot longer (God willing!) than my children.
My children will grow up and form families of their own. They do not need or want to be the center of my life. They need me to raise them to be strong, self-reliant, and confident adults. Not momma’s boys.
Ha! I was a hot, childfree chick when my husband met me. Now I’m a hot chick with a cute baby girl and a secure, wonderful husband!
Oh wow, is THAT why so many husbands leave their wives? I never realized it was all the selfish child-loving wives’ faults!
Your weird theory assumes that those husbands put their wives first, too, no matter what. Men choose “hot, childfree chicks” because they are afraid the person they gave their “life, heart and money (gross)” to loves their kid too much? BULL.
Quinn — learn what words mean before you use them. Childfree people don’t have kids, hence the name “childfree.” You were obviously never childfree.
Snoot honey, I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about. When my husband met me I was a hot, single, childfree chick. After we got married I eventually became a mother. Does that make sense to you? Great.
The way I look at it my husband and I have so much love to give that when we have given our daughter all the love we can give her, we still have enough left over for each other, and that is beautfull. I don’t criticize the women who say that they unconditionally put their husbands first, and their children 2nd, or the ones that say that they love them the same, each family is different. What I know is that our dynamic works for us, and I feel sorry for those bitter women, and men? that seem to have such a problem with it. I’m not worried about you, why are you so worried about me?
Quinn – Snoot is right. Childfree is a lifestyle choice made my men and women to not ever procreate.
http://www.happilychildfree.com/
If you had the desire to have children even before meeting your husband you were not “childfree” but instead “childless.”
I love my daughter so much more than I love my husband, and he loves her so much more than he loves me. We have discussed it, and we are fine with it. And we have a stellar relationship with the understanding that we are each other’s number 2, and I know not everyone would agree with that sentiment, but that’s ok too! I’m happy!!
Interesting discussion. But I don’t think women have to choose. The writer mentions the need to differentiate the love between husbands and wives, and mothers and children. They are apples and oranges. The love is completely different and there’s no need to rank that love in order, or to choose who is more important.
I totally agree, and I love how no one had to be insulted or belittled to make it!
…your point, sorry!
I do not love my kids more than my husband…. I don’t love either more than the other, but I fear that without my husband I wouldn’t be able to care for my children, I’d be so guilt ridden, I know that is just the weakest thing a mother can say, but he is the other half of my soul, without him I’d be a shell of who I am today, of that I am certain.
(guilt ridden over not choosing him over the children in the fire situation that was mentioned before)
I agree with Ayelet wholeheartedly. My husband was holding my hand during an emergency c-section and he will be holding my hand when we drop our daughter off at college. Without him I would not have her. Our role as parents is not to make our daughter the center of our universe but instead to provide the model for how people should treat each other, love each other, respect each other and disagree with each other. He and I have to put our marriage first because if there are cracks in our foundation it’s going to have a negative effect on our child.
As for the burning house scenario……..I agree with one of the posters above. My husband is a strong and able-bodied man. If anything he would be the one throwing her over his shoulder while pushing me out the door in front of him.
You can’t compare the love for one’s child to the love for a spouse. Both are so incredibly different and always evolving. Growing up I always knew that my mother loved myself and my brothers BUT I knew that the love she had for my father was different – it was greater, deeper, stronger….almost magical and spiritual in a way. It was the love that they have and show for each other that created the cohesive family unit that we still share today.
I am so happy to see so many comments that are in favor of Waldman’s sentiments. I think sometimes it does take effort to have the energy to be affectionate/loving to your husband after a day of breastfeeding/having children climb all over you. I make sure i reserve that energy because my husband does so much for me and he deserves my affection. Maybe a lot of times this dynamic starts with a husband that isn’t really that great and doesn’t take the role of a real man and father- let’s not always be so quick to blame the child-centric mother/wife…maybe her husband sucks so she latches onto her kids?
If there was a fire, I’d choose one of the kids just for the fact that my husband weighs forty pounds more than me and I don’t think I could carry him. But, if it was a Sophie’s choice kind of thing, I really don’t know who’d I pick.
There’s a difference between putting your kids first and putting them on a pedestal. You shouldn’t ignore your children in order to go off and party with your husband (when they need you). On the other hand, you shouldn’t give up occasional time and activities alone with him because your kids want to go, too. It’s a balance.
“But, if it was a Sophie’s choice kind of thing, I really don’t know who I’d pick.”
…seriously?
Well, I’d probably pick my kids to live since my husband would want them to live.
But, really the scenario is silly. It’s like picking between two of your children. And just because you pick one over the other in a house fire, doesn’t mean you love one more than the other. It usually means you reached one first or you went to the one more dependent on you. For example, I’d probably pick up my two year old and encourage my older two to walk out with me. Doesn’t mean I love the two year old more. I’d probably help another person’s child over any able bodied adult, too. Or, if my husband was ever paralyzed and my kids were adults, I’d help him first in a fire.
The idea of loving anything or anyone, no matter what or who it is, more than one’s children is nauseating to me. I brought my son into this world. He came from my body. There is nothing and no one that will ever come between that, including his father. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop appreciating or spending time with or loving my husband – on the contrary. I love him all the more because he not only gave me this beautiful boy, he’s here in the thick of it, supporting us and doing anything and everything in the world to make sure we’ve got a good life. He’s a wonderful man. Would I choose him over my baby? Absolutely not. I can’t with certainty say that my husband and I are going to ride off into the sunset together. My son, on the other hand, is mine forever.
Until he gets married. Your outlook on marriage is a bit concerning. Why get married if you can’t say with certainty that it’s forever. I took my vows seriously and it’s not always going to be sunshine and roses but we’re together for the long haul.
you say your son matters more because he came from your body…how did he get in there? without the man you wouldn’t have the baby.
He’s my baby now, at thirteen months, and he’ll be my baby when he walks down the aisle, has his own babies, loses his hair, so forth and so on. He’ll have his own life one day and I’ll certainly respect that, but he will always be my son.
I personally did as well, but I’m also realistic. Things happen. People change, and people split up. There’s no way to know what’s going to happen. We can hope, sure, and I do, but I’m not just going to throw my common sense to the wolves because I love a man.
Taz: Yes, thank you, I’m aware. If you would read on, I would say that I love my husband all the more because he gave me my son. However, if it comes right down to it, my child will always come first.
That isn’t to say I don’t balance things out – I do. We have the ability to infinitely love. There’s room in my heart for both of my boys, and I love and appreciate both of them in different ways. I love them in different ways.
You don’t think anyone will ever come between you and your son? LOL, you are in for a shock when he meets the girl of his dreams.
And that will be fine, ABC. When he’s grown and making his own decisions, I’m not going to get in the way of that. That has no bearing on the fact that he will still be my kid, regardless of how far I’ll have to step back once he becomes a man, a husband, a father, etc.
Most of you seem to have mistaken my dedication to my son with obsession. I’m not at all one of those psycho crunchy mothers – I just have a firm grasp on my priorities. My number one priority is taking care of my boy, and raising him to be a good man. That isn’t to say that I don’t love, appreciate, and do anything I can for my husband. I do, and he is the exact same way. Our baby comes first for both of us, and that’s how we like it.
Frankly, you sound unhealthy and obsessed. It sounds like you plan on riding off into the sunset with your son and yeah, that’s not going to happen unless your plan is to emotionally cripple him and turn him into a single, 45 year old virgin loser living in your basement still tied to your apron strings.
I agree with Wolfmother and the author. I do love my daughter more than I love my husband. And when she leaves home to go to college and starts her own family, I will be happy for her and happy to stay with my husband. I’m sure my husband feels the same way.
How about this: I can say that I love my husband more than my beautiful daughter, but my responsibility for her is very powerful. Again, the burning house scenario: if our house was burning down, and I had to save one, I would choose my daughter, because that is my job. As her mother, my job is to protect her from harm and keep her well and happy. I love my husband, and I can’t imagine my life without him, but he is more than capable of saving himself, and on top of that I think he would agree with me that our job is to save our helpless child.
But when I think of who the center of my universe is, who is my partner and confidant, I think of my husband. Without him, I wouldn’t have my daughter. He is the center of all that is good in my life, and I very much believe that as long as we have a healthy, strong marriage our children will be better for it.
couldn’t have said it better!
Amanda:
You are so right! It’s a very different type of love. Being IN love and LOVING someone are very different things! Neither are bad or good, but very different and comparing the two is like comparing apples and oranges. Your response was spot on!
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Applause!
I have a 3 week old baby girl who is absolutely the most gorgeous thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage comes first. One day, she’ll get to grow up and leave our house, but my husband will still be there.
My grandparents have just celebrated their 63rd anniversary, and even though they had their first child 9 months after they married, they’ve still spent 3 times as long without children as they did with them. If you love your kids more than your partner and spend all your time investing in that relationship, what’s left when they leave the nest?
I have friends whose parents split up when the kids were all grown up because they had nothing left for each other. Then, without realising it, they hurt their adult children while thinking they’d done everything right all along.
Agree!
Agreed! I identified much more with the author she was criticizing than the author of this piece! I love my child dearly, but I am IN love with my husband. The best thing that we can do for her is to provide her with an example of how people should treat one another, trust one another, love one another and disagree with one another.
I find the author’s infatuation with her children a bit strange and I’m sure it’s a little upsetting to her husband as well.
I completely agree. There are too many couples out there who submerge their lives in their children’s lives and come out with nothing left when they are gone. But you chose your partner for the long haul. At least that’s the way it used to be. If you just chose someone to be a sperm donor then don’t complain later when you have grown apart.
I totally agree!
I’m not very religious but I did grow up in the church and I do still think a husband and wife should cleave to each other as the Bible says. I don’t think it says anything about cleaving to your children however.
People need to stop using their children as surrogate substitutes for marital intimacy and affection. If more people put their spouses first, there would probably be less affairs and less divorces. Hell will freeze over before I drive my husband to think that “Suzie Q. Secretary” treats him nicer and finds him more interesting than I ever do!
I’m sorry but I do love my kids and I would die for them but I am IN LOVE with their father, my husband. My kids get everything they could want and need and that includes to parents that love them but are also in love with each other and model a respectful, attentive and affectionate marriage for them.
One day the kids grow up and move out and hopefully, your spouse will still be there when they do. If your kids are the “glue” in your relationship and if you don’t keep putting in the work to keep your marriage strong, affectionate and fun, then what’s to say it won’t fall apart when the last kid leaves home?
I too have seen adult children of divorce and they are usually in worse shape than little children whose parents divorce. There are also studies that say that teens handle divorce a lot harder than preschool aged children.
Well, prepare to meet another one. I love my partner more than my child and I identified a lot with Ayelet Waldman’s article when it came out, as I still do today. I love my child immensely and I shudder to even think what life would be like without her smiling, sunny face in my life, but she isn’t the center of my world. That would be my partner, my rock, who has been with me through the crises and the windfalls and knows me better than anyone else on this earth. My partner is my soulmate and, while my child is my child, my partner is the most important person to me.
Well your husband knows it. Not only that…I think most moms are putting their children in a very high pedestal and their husbands in a basement when it comes to allocating their love and time. That is why we have such high divorce rates, unhappy marriages, cheating husbands and self centered children.
Mothers today pour their love and frustrations to their kids, creating a very codependent child and a husband left out in the cold. I think there are times where moms SHOULD put their children first. But there are also times where a wife should put her partner first, you did marry him for a reason, right?
While I agree with your observation that perhaps choosing kids over husband (instead of achieving a balance of love for both) might contribute to divorce, I don’t see how it’s all about “mothers today” ….at what point did mothers habitually love their husbands more than their children, or at least equally? This generalization can’t really stand up to the fact that only recently has marriage really become about love, rather than procreation, economics, tradition, etc. Maybe your pointing to a time when traditional household roles indicated that women fawn over husbands and take care of them the same way they do children? This difference could very well be contributing to divorces, but I’m not sure it’s a bad thing!
And again, dropping the term codependent. Do you even know what that means?
And can’t you put your husband first in husband-appropriate situations and children first in child-appropriate situations? The relationships are very different, and I think both need time and attention but in different ways. What about husbands giving their wives more attention or children more attention? Why is it always women who must be the caregivers and caretakers?
Well the high number of mom blogs that praise even the poop that comes out of their children’s diaper and hates on everything a husband does, does seem to paint a picture on “mothers today.”
Secondly, have you seen the number of children that never leave the nest, and the mothers that refuse to let their children leave the nest because moms have created a very child centric home, thats pretty codependent if you ask me.
I didn’t say husbands aren’t care givers anywhere. The topic wasn’t about a husband loving their kids/wife more. This was about a wife/mother/woman, who doesn’t seem to balance, sometimes it happens to husbands. If this was a husband writing this, I would write it the same.
Now take a chill pill.
I agree with Heather. Do you really believe that high divorce rates, unhappy marriages, and cheating husbands are due to wives loving their children too much? Husbands are always giving and giving, always putting their beloved wife first, and those selfish women are always ignoring them and their needs in favor of the children, is that it?
I actually knew a woman that claimed to love her husband over her 3 children any day. Then she cheated on him and lost everything, including custody of her kids.
But I digress…since we’ve had our first child I think it’s pretty clear who my number 1 is. And I think it may irk my husband a bit, but I also think he knows this is temporary. When our son is older and even out of the house, he knows he’ll reclaim his numero uno status. And I think that he’s ultimately okay with that, because deep down, he probably feels the same way. Our son is the center of our universe(s), both separately and together.
Ayelet Waldman appears seriously co-dependent on her husband. I mean, I love my DH dearly and I would be extremely sad should God forbid he have an untimely passing. But I know that I would be able to go on with my life, unlike Waldman who wrote that she cannot imagine her life going on if her husband died. She seriously needs psychological help!
Give me a break, Ms. Amateur Psychologist! Just because someone cannot imagine their life going on without a husband/lover/family member, they need psychological help? Maybe she’s a little extreme; and if he did die, she maybe would need help, but lots of people do. PLUS, “loving someone a lot” is not exactly what codependency is anyway — look it up. Codependency isn’t even a formally recognized disorder.
Being dependent on someone for your emotional well-being is not always healthy, but it’s not necessarily pathological or even that disruptive. Maybe you should know a little bit more about these accusations you throw before you sound off so confidently.
Also, interpretations of people’s imagined reactions to death are so subjective and, often, inaccurate because some things are too difficult to think about realistically. To some, your expectation that you’d feel “extremely sad” if your husband died might seem like an understatement — maybe you don’t love him enough! And think about the horrendous grief you would feel if you children died? I personally cannot imagine my life going on if my own mother died! But, people adapt when things actually happen, even though the idea of such tragedy is unfathomable.
Wow..nevermind a chill pill, Heather, you need a few midols and to change that tampon of yours, darling.
It’s kind of funny that you chide someone for being an amateur psychologist, yet you seem to be doing the same thing…It’s just one of those days, huh?
Actually Cee.
As a practicing counselor. Heather is technically correct. I don’t agree with the name calling etc. (and really with the tampon comment?) but Heather has the correct definitions in regards to codependency etc.
It’s sad that everyone is throwing stones. To each family their own as long as no one is being harmed (and there are ZERO indications that Waldman or Winston’s families were irreparably harmed by either admission). Everything in moderation. It is absolutely unhealthy to place anyone (even ones children) on a pedestal. You lose who YOU are if your only identity is as “So and So’s Mom” or “So and So’s Wife”. Not to mention the immense pressure it places on the person ON the pedestal. It doesn’t HAVE to be all or nothing.
I don’t think it is at all healthy to be so enmeshed with one’s spouse as Ms. Waldman appears to be. When I read her writing on this topic, it’s downright creepy the Svengali-ish hold he has over her. Loving one’s spouse is wonderful, but she seems to have totally lost her own identity apart from being his wife. And people are holding that up as a GOOD thing, rather than something that would benefit from psychotherapy?
@Cee
I’m pretty sure that you’re either an Alien or have verbal incontinence. You’re spitting acid, it splatters everyone around and stinks, too. Also, is a tampon comment the best you could come up with?
@CW
You’re not everyone. Different people react to their beloved ones’ deaths very differently and it’s NORMAL. There’s no such thing as an arbitrary standard of grief, and you better learn to deal with it if you don’t want to insult anyone close to you at some point in their lives.