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When my husband and I first started to have problems conceiving, adoption did come up. It came up in exactly one conversation that we never revisited because of a painful experience my husband endured as a child.
My husband was raised in the 1960s when taboos surrounding women who placed children for adoption, or had a baby out of wedlock at all, faced brutal societal scrutiny. He was only a kid when his aunt and uncle adopted a baby after stumbling upon some fertility troubles of their own. He remembers the baby becoming a complete part of their family in the four years that she was his cousin until one day, the birth mother reappeared.
She eventually tracked my husband’s aunt and uncle down begging for the baby back. They refused and considering that she had signed away her rights as a parent, my husband’s family believed that the child was safely their own. They were wrong as she eventually did sue for custody– and won. The memory of that loss for my husband and his family so greatly impacted him that by the time our quest for a child became a bit bumpy, he said that adoption was not something he was willing to consider.
I was relieved in a way as pregnancy was very much something I wanted to experience.
We learned through a series of tests that my husband was actually sterile after having congenital kidney disease as a child. After berating myself for needlessly worrying about birth control for years, we proceeded with IUI (intrauterine insemination) after finding a sperm donor.
The year that our first daughter was born, I vividly remembering watching the news when stories about “Baby Jessica” were dominating all channels. The highly publicized story centered around a baby who was given up for adoption by a woman without notifying the father. Although she had put another man’s name on the birth certificate, the baby’s true father went to court for the baby and won after a two and a half year battle with the adoptive parents.
I remember rocking my infant and being thankful that I had not personally gone down that road. Despite my high regard for women who do choose to adopt, I realize in retrospect that adoption was not for me. It took a village to get me pregnant with about eight people involved total, and I’m so grateful that my husband and I had the means to afford such procedures.
There are some women who don’t care how they become mothers. Yet, there are some women who want the act of normalcy, and I am very much one of those women.
(photo: Shutterstock)
So, any ill-informed person can post on this site? Anyone considering adoption – please, please do not think that what this person states is true of adoption today. Find a reputable agency and you will be okay. Our daughter was placed with us at 4 days old and there was NEVER any chance that her birthparents could change their minds. Their consent was IRREVOCABLE. Each state has a different time period and rules about terminating parental rights or giving consent to adoption so make sure you have an informed agency or attorney.
I think I need to find a new parenting website.
what!!??
This article is ridiculous. In fact, I’m starting to feel like half the articles on this web site are irresponsibly written at best, downright offensive at worst. The copy writing is sloppy, the word choice is often poor, and the poor quality of the content is obviously a reflection on both the writers and the management. I want to like this site because they cover topics that interest me but….wow. Talk about putting the cherry on top of your “Home is Where You Make It Week”.
Anyone have any recommendations for similar web sites that are better?
@Heather- I think finding a better website is quite easy. Most of this is pure trash. Try reading the “informative article” about adoption written by a woman who…has…never…adopted.
Similar topics, great stories!
http://parents.com/blogs/adoption-diaries/
Would I like to get pregnant by my husband? Absolutely. But I’m not opposed to adopting, either. In fact, I would love for us to adopt a child someday. However, IUI is something that we will never, ever consider. I flat out refuse to have a stranger’s sperm implanted in me. How the hell does that make your husband feel, knowing that the child you’re raising was created with another man??
I hate to break it to the author, but using a sperm donor is considered a form of adoption. I’m also concerned that there was apparently a lack of counseling if she didn’t realize this.
And I couldn’t agree more with previous comments: being artificially impregnated using donor sperm is more ‘normal’ how? It wasn’t that long ago that many of these procedures carried a label of ‘test-tube baby,’ implying a very ‘abnormal’ child. Of course, we thankfully moved away from that and now recognize that fertility treatments, in all their iterations, are just different options in family-building, none better than another. It’s a personal choice of what’s best for you. I agree, the author probably thought that pregnancy would feel the most ‘normal’ to her. I think there’s some level of denial there, sadly. In this article, at least, it feels as though she faked herself out about the reality and responsibility involved in using a sperm donor: hey, I got pregnant! Nothing to see here, folks! It’s all good! (no recognition of loss, of questions the child could have later, of how her husband feels about someone else being the biological father, etc etc etc)
As offended and angry as many commenters here are, let’s remember something: thankfully, the author did not adopt. At least, not the traditional way.
I fail to see how using a sperm donor could POSSIBLY count as adoption, at least on her part. The child is biologically hers. That’s not adoption. You could make a case that it’d be adoption on his part, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how custody works in the US–if they were married when she gave birth, the child is considered his.
To address the other concerns you mention:
I have heard a guy say that the important part, to him, in the process was experiencing the pregnancy together, not whether the child was biologically his or not (in regards to intentional sperm donation, of course). He said that shared experience made it just as much his child, regardless.
As for the child, well, any child is going to have questions about how they came about at some point, and any child who isn’t the unassisted biological offspring of the two people who are raising them will naturally require some more explanation. Both adoption and sperm donation have elements that make them easier and more difficult to explain. Adoption, for example, is a concept that children are easily capable of understanding, but it’s tricky to be gentle about why they were adoptable in the first place. Sperm donation, on the other hand, is more complex, but you could always go with, “Mommy and Daddy had a little trouble with getting pregnant and had a doctor help us” when they’re little, so they’re not shocked when they’re older and can handle more detail. Either could potentially create an identity crisis if not dealt with appropriately, and I have to say I haven’t seen much addressing how to discuss science-assisted methods of conception with children, or even anything indicated whether most people feel it warrants discussing. I’d be interested in seeing an article about that.
Your choice of words is extremely poor. In regards to parenthood, how is IUI with a sperm donor representative of “normalcy” anymore so than adoption. They are both unconventional alternatives to parenthood for those unable or unwilling to conceive.
You state that adoption was just not for you, due to the Baby Jessica story and an incident that hapened in the 60s involving your father’s family. By that rationale, parenthood shouldn’t be for you either, since there are incidents of children dying during childbirth, facing terminal illnesses, and other such hardships.
This article is offensive and poorly written
I disagree with your comparison. Losing your child because they die is far different from losing them because a court ruled that you raising them doesn’t qualify you as their “real” parent. I mean, on the one hand, at least if they get taken away from you, they still have a life (albeit one that will probably involve lots of misery and therapy). But trying to imagine having my kid taken from me, maybe not getting to have any part in the rest of their life, not being at their graduation or their wedding, maybe not even knowing they got married, because someone they don’t even know decided they wanted them…that’s difficult to imagine and hard to make a comparison to.
I agree many with many of the above comments that her perception of adoption is inaccurate if not outright wrong. Her terminolgy was offensive to adoptive parents. But I wonder if her child knows he or she is conceived by a sperm donor? A sperm donor ( or egg donor conception) still has the same questions on half their genetics as an adoptee has on both sides. Actually, these days with open adoption, a domestic adoptee is likely to have more info than the sperm or egg donor conception child. My point is while it may have been ‘ normal’ , to her to use her words, the child may still have questions that deserve to be answered. Finally, there is no one ” normal” way to build a family. It would be nice if we could show respect to all parents.
Normal????? How in heck is normal being impregnated by a stranger’s sperm??
You have a heck of a lot nerve insinuating that moms that adopted their children are not normal!
The best I can gather, is she maintained some appearance of “normalcy” to the outside world — perhaps her family, friends, etc — by getting pregnant, as opposed to adopting. She states she was glad her husband would not consider adoption because she “very much wanted to experience pregnancy”. I can’t help but think that she consider adoption to be a failure of sorts — a last resort for those who have failed at conceiving — and would be embarassed to have adopted a child, whereas by using IUI she maintained a sense of “normalcy” and get her ME ME ME pregnancy.
Its highly offensive
Technically, your husband DID adopt that child. It’s not biologically his.
Who is this woman to define normal? How is my adopting any less “normal” than her being jacked up with some strangers sperm? This author has no right to imply that how I will go about building my family is not normal. And this is on top of the fact that just about everything she wrote about adoption is just wrong. If you’re going to rule out adoption, at least make an educated decision. Good grief.
Baby Jessica and any others who share her story were adopted through agencies/attorneys that did not follow the legal and ethical procedures. I have to respectfully disagree with Travis, who suggests that the answer to this fear is international adoption. This is incorrect: in every (isolated and rare) case where a child’s birth family is granted custody again, it is because the proper legal procedures – including unbiased counseling and proper inclusion and notification and consent of the birth father – were not followed.
Your article irresponsibly promotes the myth that first parent will show up and “take the baby back.” I strongly encourage you to add an editor’s note to the article correcting this idea and pointing people towards, legal, ethical adoption resources.
I actually did some research into this when I first read the article (I was domestically adopted and spent a good half year being reassured by my parents that this wouldn’t happen to me). I was only nine at the time, but the media did an excellent job whipping everyone up into a lather about the case and I don’t ever recall anyone talking about the actual, legal issues at play.
The issue with Baby Jessica was that her biological father was kept in the dark about his paternity and so was able to sue for custody because he had not given consent. Now, however, nearly every state places the burden on the father. They have to pursue this within a very set time frame or it’s assumed that they are tacitly giving consent through disinterest.
I agree, there definitely needs to be some notation clearing up some fallacies about adoption perpetuated in this article. Additionally, I’d like an apology for the implication that adopted families are somehow abnormal.
It is perfectly understandable that adoption is not for everyone, as well it should not be. Adoption is not a ‘cure” or infertility and should only be undertaken by those who are willing and able to accept raising some else’s child.
In today’s climate, many adoptions are open, and clearly internationally adopted children KNOW they are adopted , thus adoptees need to accept the reality that they will have question and want to know about their heritage and roots. If you cannot deal with that, then absolutely, you should not adopt.
It is also understandable that for some, the experience of pregnancy and birth is very important. Adopting is not a substitute for that experience and unless you can mourn the loss of ever having your won biologically connected child who might look or act like one of you, then you are NOT ready to adopt and shouldn’t! An adopted child deserves to be wanted and loved for who they are, not to feel like a replacement or second best choice…a disappointment.
However, I doubt the veracity of your husband’s family’s adoption experience.
I have researched and written about adoption for more than 3 decades. If it is true, it is because they ILLEGALLY adopted the child! No legal adoption can be overturned simply because a mother strolls in and decides she wants her baby back! Not true. Does not happen. NEVER!! And, especially in the 60′s no one would have had any way of “tracking down” adoptive parents of their child, had it been a legal adoption through an adoption agency. It may possibly have been some in-family adoption or someone somehow known to the family through their doctor of attorney or whatever.
But, again, anyone harboring such fears is wise not to adopt. Unless you can feel truly comfortable accepting that your child does have other parents and has a right to know them – do not adopt!You are doing the child a disservice!
Infertility is it’s own issue separate from adoption. Putting the needs of children foremost, what makes infertile couples or same sex couples any more qualified or better to parent than a couple who already have children? The job of a child is not to fill YOUR needs, it is the job of parents to help children in need, unselfishly. If you can’t, then don’t. Period.
Mirah Riben, author, THE STORK MARKET: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
I am pretty offended by your last comment. The tone of it suggest that the only way to become a mother is to gestate and give birth. The rest of your article was fine and then this spoilt it. Having gone through such a vast amount of infertility treatments you of all people should be particularly sensitive about suggesting that certain ways of becoming a mother are not normal!!
In fact I am completely the opposite. I would adopt, but would NOT consider medical intervention. I am now blessed with my family and do not want more children.I had no intention of stating this until I read your very last comment as I am very sympathetic to those who struggle to become parents whether through infertility, bureaucracy or for any other reasons.
Your fears are valid, but it seems that you didn’t take much time to truly explore adoption options. My wife and I have adopted two children from China, where there is no chance that the biological parents will come calling later on. There are approximately 1.5 million adoptable orphans in China alone who are waiting for someone who will love them. Our daughter languished for 7 years in a dismal orphanage waiting for a family of her own. Your article, does nothing to help children like her. I encourage everyone with fertility issues to consider adoption, either domestic or international.
@ Travis- Thank you! There are, literally, millions of children waiting to be in safe, loving homes.
Let us not confuse “normalcy” with “biological children”. The horror stories you mentioned are (1.) dated (like the example from your family) or (2.) extremely rare.
This article was irresponsible and poorly written. You clearly did not do your research. Every state has different laws regarding adoption and the legal process involved. How dare you, in a public forum, insinuate that adoption is not “normal” and ripe with legal complications.
Thank you for this comment. I found this entire article to be full of misinformation and scare tactics, as well as grossly offensive to both adopted children and their families. My family doesn’t qualify for your insulting definition of “normalcy” because I’m adopted and so is my child? This article is trash and the writer should be ashamed.
I would also like to thank you for this comment. My partner and I are in the process of adopting, simply because because pregnant the “normal” way is not in the cards, or at least not without medical intervention. Sharing my home with a child who needs one is about the best thing I can think of doing right now, a technique that *doesn’t* involve pumping myself full of artificial hormones, most of which have not been studied in the long term. I am a chemist and perpetually amazed at the number of chemicals who’s effects are still being worked out in the 15-35 year time span
NormalKid – if ONLY there was a “like” button on here!
LIKE LIKE LIKE
Normalcy and pregnancy are not the same thing. One bad adoption case is not representative of all cases. Today’s would-be parents have the option of seeking only to adopt children whose biological parents have had their rights terminated by the courts – usually against the will of the parents themselves. When that happens, the court does not and will not >ever< restore the parents' rights for those children. Today's would-be parents have the option to adopt internationally – rendering it nearly impossible for a birth parent to find the adoptive family. There are plenty of options available in modern adoptions that can avoid the tragedy that befell your husband's family.
If all you really wanted was to be pregnant, you made the choice that was right for you. However, this article uses antiquated information that could easily scare a prospective family away from adopting.
I remember the Baby Jessica case. I was about nine when everything went down and as an adopted child it terrified me. It seems that most states have taken action to prevent something like that from happening again; many have a statute of limitations for birth fathers to claim paternity rights and they don’t seem to make exceptions for men who did not know they fathered children. I’m kind of glad, because even though my parents had signed consent forms from both my biological parents, that case really had me scared for a while.
i appreciate your story.. i too had fertility issues.. i had 8 miscarries with my husband before ANY doctor even CONSIDERED testing the hubby, which-turned out that he was sterile. Lots of HeartAche! but thru the same method you described, IUI/by donor, we did have one successful pregnancy and healthy baby boy..
& 
and we STILL went on to adopt. successfully. and with out ANY Bio contact
it took LOTS of prayer and faith and trust, but im completely blessed to have had my husband really want more children thru the gift of adoption.
If your husband was sterile, how did you get pregnant 8 times?
LV–Valid question, and I can’t speak for KT’s personal experiences, but it is possible that he has sperm capable of fertilizing an egg but not of producing viable offspring. Any non-viable fertilized eggs will result in miscarriage, often before one can even know fertilization occurred, but not always. (I’m not overly familiar with how infertility testing works, so I don’t know how likely it would be for that to show up as being infertile, but biologically speaking it’s a possibility.)
@Leigha – thank you for your input, especially since KT herself doesn’t seem to want to answer my question…
The thing is, even if her husband’s genetic material is not “good enough” to produce a viable fetus, as long as there are motile spermatozoa in there capable of fertilizing an egg, they would show up on a semen analysis. It’s extremely unlikely to the point of being downright impossible that he’s been capable of impregnating her so many times, yet tests show that he’s sterile.
Fair enough. As stated, I know pretty much nothing about infertility testing. I can only attest to the biological part of what I said, not whether it’d ever show up like that.
And I’m quite curious to hear an explanation, myself.