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Last week one of my husband’s very good childhood friends had a beautiful baby boy. He and his wife and are in their mid 30s and this is their first child. The first photos of the babe reached my husband through a private messenger chat page quite early. There’s a shot of him being cleaned up, an adorable shot of him stretching and crying, plus pictures of a relaxed, smiling mommy and a joyful daddy. And then there was a shot of the babe with a soother in his mouth.
“Already?!” I gasped, hovering over the photo with hawk-like precision. “He’s like a minute old, why would they put that thing in his mouth so soon?” My husband said nothing and went back to whatever he was doing. I walked away, only to grab my computer and tweet:
i haven’t had a newborn since 3 years ago, but is it common practice to give a day-old newborn a soother? [i never gave one to my girls]
TWITTER FRIEND: They give them in hospitals here, which make me gag. A lot.
ME: for sure it’s one of those personal parenting decisions that we must respect. still i find it a bit unsettling. what abt a boob!
TWITTER FRIEND: Exactly! If a newborn wants to suck, that’s what it should be sucking!
ME: i have an overwhelming desire 2 tell my huzza’s very good friend 2 tell his wife what *i* think, but i won’t. it’s so not my place.
TWITTER FRIEND: Yeah, it’s a bite your tongue and look away situation.
ME: very much so. plus, i’m sure she’s getting all kinds of unsolicited *advice* right now. and i just wanna smell new baby! woot!
The irony, of course, is that if there’s one thing that we moms often promise ourselves that we won’t do, but inevitably end up doing, it’s giving unsolicited advice to moms – new or otherwise. Don’t lie, you’ve done it. And often against your better judgment (“judgment” being the operative word here)
Advice, even though well-meaning, is often self-serving judgment in the guise of good intentions. Which is often based on a formula of how we personally live our lives or how we personally do certain things. The option to take the advice or leave it, of course, is up to the person who is the recipient of said information, but when it comes to mothering and babies, boy do we suck at cordially walking away when we’ve been told, “Thank you, I’ve got this.”
When I had the first of my two beautiful daughters six years ago, I recall a visit from my two sisters – both mothers – in the hospital. Mere hours after my c-section, they kept insisting that I breastfeed my baby. I couldn’t tell you if I was supremely overwhelmed, overly-confident or oblivious to hearing what I “should do” with my baby, but I wasn’t hearing it.
“Are you going to feed her?” they casually asked.
“No, she’s fine,” I replied.
They exchanged knowing glances. “Okay,” came the response, and they gently backed off.
And then, moments later, “Do you think she might be hungry, now?”
“No,” I said, “she’s fine.”
I thought this article was kind of funny. I think a lot of people dole out unsolicited advice as a way to contribute to the conversion (because it’s not all about you), to simply share an experience or to connect with you in some way. Whining about whether or not it’s “right” for you and your family seems a little, well, whiny. Seriously though, sometimes people say these things just to carry on a conversation, most people are NOT awake all night thinking about you and your child and whether or not they took their advice. Sorry, I guess, but I hope someone here grasps that, because it will always be true. No one cares about you as much as you think but in order to survive and have self-esteem, we build ourselves (and our offspring) into something we/they are frankly not.
Some of these rage black outs sound like first world problems. I’m sorry someone tried to give you advice and may have delivered it in a way that was unsatisfactory. I’m sure they meant no harm and that’s kind of what makes this all funny. I always wondered what some of the snottier looking mommies were thinking when they turn their noses up at everything.
I always check out the top stories here just for the comments because they are straight up the worst. Is giving advice “extremely offensive”? Really? It’s always from a place of malice, right? Get. A. Clue.
Is giving advice “extremely offensive?” At the right time and place, no. However, some people do not take kindly to it, and who are you to judge them on what they find offensive? Get. A. Clue. Maybe you’re that person that likes to give the unsolicited advice, regardless of how someone may feel about it. I’m not. I’ve always asked people if they would like some information that I think might be helpful before I just dish it out on them. Especially when it comes to their children.
I don’t give unsolicited advice on people’s kids. It’s funny you think it’s terribly judgmental when I put all that in the form of a question. Is it “extremely offensive”? Well… is it? It’s not judgmental to provide that perspective. And is having a negative opinion on the cursing, name-calling and “judging” going on in the comments really all that bad?
I’m judging your judging!
Thanks for “dishing it out” and mocking me, too. That’s why I come here, as I said.
Side note: It’s interesting that you felt judged by this. Like almost as if the ambiguous “you” in my lil’ rant was literally you-you. I would really look into those feelings (if you have them). I’d understand if you felt a bit attacked by my words, I was frustrated, but if you somehow really felt as if I was talking to you (in my original post) maybe there’s something in there you could put in your pocket next time someone gives you advice.
It seems like many mommies here, Ms. Williams included, are merely adding fuel to the fire with their name-calling. They then use the term “name-calling” as yet another bullying mechanism.
Maybe mommyish can do a segment on Mullies? Mommy bullies.
Hmmm… never thought about the term “Mullies”, you like it more than “Bommies”? How about Bummies?
I am honestly in shock that you would say tell the child’s grandfather you wouldn’t hold the baby until he was swaddled. It’s not your kid, and you have NO BUSINESS saying or doing that AT ALL. Or judging the mom for letting other people hold her baby. Pretty much every mom I know was happy to pass their child off to friends & family to share the joy. I won’t curse, but those other people weren’t wrong. If you had done that to me on your first visit to my newborn, I would have asked you to leave immediately.
“When I had the first of my two beautiful daughters six years ago….”
Do you also have some daughters who are not beautiful? If not, then the adjective “beautiful” is uneccessary and, in my opinion, cloying.
Sorry, sometimes it’s hard for me to not give advice, too.
I don’t get why people are attacking NICE things. @Melissa was extremely rude to someone who nicely asked another commenter not to swear. What’s going on with people? So what if she called her daughters beautiful? That is a nice thing to say.
@Nancy- It’s also rude to single out ONE person out of an entire crowd and chastise her about her language, especially when the author uses a few colorful words of her own. Have a nice day, dear.
I’m sorry this is happening, Bolaji.
It seemd pretty clear to me when I read this that you realized you shouldn’t butt into other people’s parenting Hello, people! The TITLE is ‘Help! I can’t stop telling New Moms How to Parent!’ Did anyone read that title and then clicked on it to read the article thinking she was about to give advice on how to be perfect, and how she’s totally perfect? She covered everything, didn’t she? She said she finds it hard to resist butting in but she really tries not to, she referred to a specific time when someone had done it to her and she didn’t like it even though it was good advice, then she said this:
‘In hindsight, it’s obviously very funny because while there may be umpteen parenting manuals and well-meaning friends who think they know what’s best for you and your baby, nothing can replace the trial-and-error steps a new mom takes to getting to know her own child. At the same time, it really makes no sense to argue with certain kinds of advice, particularly when it’s dispensed from an “experienced” mother.’
which I think most of the commenters must have missed, maybe you should put it in bold? She finished up with her slip-up of doing it anyway, and finished lightly with the joy of holding a newbord to sort of put the whole thing in perspective as not a huge deal.
I thought this article was very well-rounded; I’d much rather read things written by people who are self-aware and rational and trying to improve themselves than by overly ‘opiniated’, stubborn, or close-minded people.
Furthermore, saying she can’t take criticism is a bit off. If you look at the author’s responses to the comments, the only times she came across as particularly hostile was when people directly called her a b***h. Except maybe to ‘Not a mom,’ but I think they were both being equally….snotty….
It was just supposed to be a relatable article. It’d be pretty boring to read about perfect people, I think, as they don’t exist…
I think the authors at this site might have to start putting ‘lol’ or a smiley face at the end of each article, so people will stop accusing them of having an opinion in an opinion piece.
LOL
“it really makes no sense to argue with certain kinds of advice, particularly when it’s dispensed from an “experienced” mother.’”
You may think it doesn’t make sense, but some people just don’t want other “experienced” mothers giving them advice when it’s not asked for. Period. If I want or need an “experienced mother” to give me advice, I’ll ask for it. Until then, that “experienced mother” needs to bite her tongue and mind her own business.
If I sound bitter, I apologize. I have three children, and you can believe that with Every. Single. One of them, I had people giving me unsolicited advice. Strangers, family, friends, et cetera. Do you realize how that can make someone feel, when you have a person telling you what you should do with your third child? That I shouldn’t hold them a particular way, or why my baby isn’t wearing a hat, or why I should have my little girl’s ears pierced? Yes, I had a stranger try telling me that I should get my 6 month old daughters ears pierced! Why on earth would I do that? And really, you want to tell me how to hold my son?? Crap like that makes you feel pretty low, and start questioning yourself as a parent.
@xobolaji – defensive much? If you’re not prepared for criticism of your work, perhaps you should stop writing for the public – that’s just a bit of unsolicited advice for you.
Further, whether I am a mother or not has nothing to do with unsolicited advice being rude. I am well-versed in a whole host of topics and I don’t find it hard to restrain myself from butting into other people’s business on those topics unless they’ve specifically asked me to do so.
Your comments in reply to many here have been rude and unprofessional. Your use of the n-word to make a point was extremely offensive. You didn’t need to type the whole word out to make your point. I can only imagine you did it to be inflammatory.
Speaking of “inflammatory” and “hostile” comments, here’s what the author said to a reader on one of her previous articles:
@Rachel you’re ignorance is astounding. if you are VACCINATED, an unvaccinated child will NOT infect you. what don’t you understand?
And here’s an example of her language from the first paragraph of the aforementioned article:
to which I RT’d, “That’s because 1 in 10 of parents are assholes.”
It’s interesting how standards change.
hi @anonymous, glad you could add something to the conversation. yes, i did say “1 in 10 parents are assholes.” i also quoted MYSELF. meaning that i explained what i said, and the context in which it was said. i also apologized. so there’s that too. wow. really?
let me add that in a previous piece on this site, i alerted the editor to that the fact that an anonymous commenter, or someone under a fake name had used the n-word repeatedly. in bold caps. that’s right. someone repeated used the word NIGGER in capital letters, and it languished there until i said something. i have also read someone referred to as a c*nt. which i also alerted the editors to. am i done yet? NO, not quite.
so cool, you can sit behind your anonymity and cast aspersions on me, and take comments out of context, or you can lend something productive to the conversation. thanks for coming out. it’s been a pleasure. clearly reading is not your forte. have a nice night.
I’m surprised my name bothers you. I could put a first name, a handle, or anything else and the result would be the same: anonymity. I chose to bypass choosing a moniker.
That being said, this isn’t the first time you’ve gone on the offensive because someone called you on your lack of professionalism. Your previous post is a great example of hostile and inflammatory comments. Someone else on here suggested you weren’t ready to write for a public site, and I agree. You are not prepared for feedback that disagrees with you, and you aren’t prepared to be called on it when you exemplify hypocrisy.
I can only hope you handle your temper better as a mother than you do as a writer.
To be fair, if the first response to a column is someone calling her a know-it-all bitch, I can understand why she’d be defensive.
That said, I do agree with Anonymous. This is more than being defensive because she was called a rude (and it was quite rude) name. I have seen no evidence that a worthwhile discussion can follow one of her pieces if someone disagrees with her.
It’s unfortunate.
@Anonymous: You are right, and it is really interesting to see the difference of standards on this website. I’ve seen several articles in which the authors use foul language (which, I might add, is extremely unprofessional), but here I’m told that foul language is inappropriate. Why is it okay for authors to use this sort of language in their pieces, but readers cannot use the same language in their comments? If it is so “inappropriate” and “rude” as Lindsay Cross had said, why does it continue to occur without corrective actions being taken– either articles be rewritten, or comments removed?
Not to mention, some of these authors are just downright rude in their responses to reader comments– this page being a prime example. Why should you be attacked for using “Anonymous” for your name? I guarantee that most of the readers on this site use a name that is not their own, and hey, that’s completely fine. But according to Bolaji Williams, she can not only quote her own swearing in her article (because apparently that is a-okay), she can also attack people for the names that they choose to use when posting.
If you don’t allow it, then delete the inappropriate comments– ALL of them– instead of having a lap dog pick on one person. And I must say, what Abigail said is “PG” compared to most of the downright foul things I’ve seen posted under articles on this site. And, go figure, none of those people get chastised for it, nor have I seen any of their comments removed. Hmmmmmm….
Its absolutely not ok for other women to be calling the author, or any writer on this blog, a bitch. It is a humorous and self deprecating essay and even if it wasn’t, comments personally attacking writers for their opinions create no thoughtful dialouge and only devolve into hostility. Of course every baby is different, of course every parenting style is different! The ending of her piece is classic — another mom who is 10 months in is now an expert too now — with a total difference of opinion than the author. funny!
To be fair, the author of this piece has used foul language against other people on this site.
I’m not a mother, but I know enough about babies (and unsolicited advice) to know that each one is different. Having a know-it-all attitude with other parents, doling out unsolicited advice, and making parenting decisions for other people (e.g. swaddling a baby whose parents didn’t ask you to) are all unequivocally rude.
If I were the mother of that newborn I would have told you that you could hold my baby, but that he would not be swaddled and if you continued to insist, you’d be asked to leave. I don’t know why people think pregnant women and new parents are suddenly so dumbfounded that they can’t possibly make decisions without busybodies getting all involved.
In short, if your friends want your advice, they’ll ask for it. Unless you see a baby in danger, MYOB.
@not a mom, since you are not a mom, you don’t have a hot clue about what you’re talking about. it’s all well and good to say what you would say, or what you might not say, but you really have NO idea until that situation stares you in the face, and if you are forced to deal with that situation.
thanks for your advice, not a mom. it doesn’t get any better than this.
Wow. “since you are not a mom, you don’t have a hot clue about what you’re talking about”
The rudeness that this author displays is astounding. Perhaps “Not A Mom” is a physician? Perhaps she has god children that she cares for? Does she still not “have a hot clue” about what she’s talking about, simply because she isn’t a mother?
Next time, if I see that you write an article about something that you are not, I’ll be sure to quote the same line to you.
Well, I have a difficult reading this as a humorous piece, but I do think it’s meant slightly more light-hearted than some other readers see it.
As far as giving advice… If you can’t refrain then perhaps you can communicate it in a less know-it-all manner.
I’d much rather hear a friend ask lightly ‘Oh, have you tried swaddling? My girls loved it.’ rather than ‘I’d love to hold him, but not before I swaddle him, babies like to be warm and secure and cuddly, you know.’
To me, the first way communicates ‘I have advice to share if you’re interested.’ But, the second way… Well, you’re clearly saying ‘You’re doing it wrong.’ And honestly, I’d just shut you out right then and there.
And please do not assume you have THE right answer. Because 99 times out of 100, there isn’t ONE right answer.
@pix thanks of course there isn’t one right answer. who said there was?
Well, you kind of did.
Perhaps your retelling of your visit with the new baby was exaggerated to be amusing or something. If so, then my apologies. You can disregard this.
But if you were NOT joking and you actually said you’d hold the baby after you swaddled him and then just stepped right in and did it without asking the mother if she’s even tried swaddling, then your attitude and actions speak loud and clear that your way is the right way and you know what is best for her baby.
i’m confused, if the site does not “normally” allow swearing, why has my post suddenly become the exception to the rule? also, since when is it ever ok to personally attack an author simply because you disagree with her POV?
i strongly feel that these comments should be deleted because they are inflammatory and hostile. and if thing one and thing two wish to engage in a civil discussion with women who have dissimilar views, they need to be vetted so that no one gets bullied and harrased in future.
So have them removed. And while you’re at it, do the same for every other article posted on this site. There are enough writers on here, perhaps someone can be hired to be a little “hall monitor” of sorts and make sure that any rude remarks– by authors and readers alike– are taken care of?
Also, you said “since when is it ever ok to personally attack an author simply because you disagree with her POV?” Well, since when is it okay for an author to attack readers? I’ve seen you do it several times. As well as a few other authors. Lets not be hypocrites here.
Wow, I cannot believe some of the comments on this. I thought it was pretty clearly a funny piece, but apparently not everyone got that. I think most mothers can relate to having to bite their tongues when they see someone not doing things the “right” way (by which, of course, I mean MY way) with a new baby.
Thanks for giving me a laugh!
@amanda, THANK YOU!
Some babies like swaddling, some don’t. Some of us are physically unable to breastfeed.
None of that is any of anyone else’s business. So mind your own.
As someone who’s been on the receiving end of these well-meaning tips please find a way to back off. For one thing you may very well be wrong. After all, the research about pacifiers and newborns is conflicting. There are a few studies that suggest that early introduction may slightly interfere with breast feeding and others that demonstrate no correlation whatsoever. And since there is evidence corroborating lower incidence of SIDS with babies using pacifiers there are valid reasons for introducing it early on. Also, if babies are cold, hungry, or otherwise uncomfortable they will undoubtedly find a way to let their parents know without anyone’s help. When I became a new mom I was barraged with so much advice and suggestions on how to parent my son that I had a hard time being secure enough to trust my instincts as a mom. Ironically my intuition was usually dead-on and I generally wound up regretting going against it to follow the advice of more seasoned moms. Unless the baby is actually in danger I think that a few words of encouragement is better than even the sagest of advice.
angela. i am a mother of 2 children, my girls are 3 and 6. like you, i too have been on the receiving end of these comments. that’s the point. as in ha ha, lighten up sometimes we overstep and sometimes we don’t. it’s all good!
i also have 4 nieces and 1 nephew. the girls are 17, 13, 12 and 11, and the boy is 4 years old. i’ve babysat them all. my sisters are lovely and forgiving. as are my friends.
No, it’s not “all good.” Some people find it extremely offensive when other mothers offer unsolicited advice. As Angela said, encouraging words help a lot more than sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.
Bolaji, very cute, very honest, personal piece. Based on the comments, you’re not alone, cause everyone seems to want to judge you for having opinions, yet they don’t see the irony in their own judgement. I’m not a mom, but am a devoted aunt and pseudo aunt to many of my friends kids. I’m the first person anyone would leave their newborn with and I too have opinions and judge. Isn’t it just a natural instinct for all of us (the village of women) to nurture and protect our young (all young). Ignore the comments from the mean girls. Perhaps they are too tightly swaddled themselves and forgot that moms are allowed to poke fun at themselves and have a laugh. That’s what I thought Mommyish was for!
@lainey, THANK YOU! ya, i’m thoroughly confused by the comments. the mean-girling is kinda grose. and surprising. but oh well. i seriously think the comments on the site need to be moderated. too many loose-canons hijack the conversation and it goes south pretty quickly.
@frances. hey girl, wassup?! this was meant to be “funny” get it? it’s a JOKE. also, you have friends? really. if this is how you talk to strangers, god help the people you are actually close to. have a nice day. now run along and kiss your children.
The author has titled her piece as “Help…” She’s admitting to being “wrong” but says she just can’t help herself. I don’t think she’s a bitch for that. It’s the age old problem of acting like your parents when you remember having hated them for the same behaviors.
I think you are being a little too hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you are having a bout of nostalgia about having a newborn and having a classic, “if I knew then what I know now…” thought.
@Beth thanks for your comment. i thought this was funny. perhaps my tone was misinterpreted. people who know me know exactly this about me. in fact, i just had a laugh about this with my own mother. it’s all good. trust me. cheers! and yes i looooooooooove babies.
Oh, well, it was funny at first. I read the comments and thought that the author must have been serious because other people were getting all steamed up…
You want to smell a new baby? What the heck? That’s the creepiest thing I’ve heard in a long time.
Um…of course she wanted to smell a new baby. You have obviously never smelled a new baby before. Nothing creepy to it!
Try it. It’s better than crack and the smell of Estee Lauder lipsticks.
OMG babies smell wonderful! I sniff babies whenever I get a chance (you know, someone I knows baby!) I still sniff my daugter all the time and she is 10. (she thinks it’s funny when I tell her hair smells like sunshine)
I liked this article. It has also given me food for thought. I tend to give out “advice” but not because I am better but as a way to connect with the other mom (I admit I am not good at being friends with Females) BUT I can see where I think I am connecting the other person sees it as unwanted advice. So thank you! I am going to vist our neighbors new baby (new parents too) on Thursday and I will keep my “advice” to myself!
Yeah they definitely gave my kids pacifiers in the hospital, which I was fine with since they may help prevent SIDS. With our second kid they told us no swaddling once we left the hospital, to which I said “yeah, sure lady” and proceeded to swaddle him til he was 7 or 8 months old. He really liked to be swaddled. My nephew absolutely hated it though and was never swaddled. I breast fed my first and formula fed my second and my first was kept in the hospital longer because she wouldn’t eat,while my son got me reamed out for eating 4 oz at a time right after birth. I finally just had to say “look, I waited 20 minutes,he’s still acting hungry, he hasn’t spit anything up and he’s not gassy, so write whatever you need to in your little book and move on”. So unless I’m asked I keep my mouth shut. Every baby is different and nobody knows their baby like mama does. But hey, I was one of those layed back relaxed mama’s that didn’t feel the need to hold my kids all day long.
I totally agree. Every baby is different and the parents are the best people to determine a parenting and care-taking dynamic that is unique to their family.
I don’t have children nor do I know what “babies prefer,” but everytime I see ickle babies swaddled up tightly I always think they must be dying of heat in there! Maybe some like it, maybe some don’t, it’s really none of my damn business to question the people that spend 24 hours a day with it.
Wow. I have to say, you kind of come across like a know-it-all bitch. It is my rule of thumb to not make comments on how to raise other people’s children unless they specifically ask for advice, and even then I offer them multiple things to try, because the most important thing is them finding out what is right for themselves and THEIR baby, not what worked for me or my family.
Abigail, I really would rather that you didn’t swear at other people, lest we descend into barbarism.
Thank you.
I agree, Abigail. Completely. I thought the exact same things as I was reading the article, including the know-it-all bitch portion.
As for Miss Sarah Holier-than-thou Woolley: Do you try to correct EVERYONE on this site, or just nit pick at a select few people?
Melissa and Abigail, Sarah was actually just being polite. As a writer for the site, I can tell you that we normally just don’t allow swearing because it’s inappropriate and rude. I would just delete these comments, personally. But I guess we can keep these here to remind people that the entire point of their comment gets lost when they are rude and use foul language.
If you don’t allow it, then delete the inappropriate comments– ALL of them– instead of having a lap dog pick on one person. And I must say, what Abigail said is “PG” compared to most of the downright foul things I’ve seen posted under articles on this site. And, go figure, none of those people get chastised for it, nor have I seen any of their comments removed. Hmmmmmm….
@Melissa You can’t see removed comments, that’s the point.
I think she’s saying that she’s seen foul comments that should have been deleted but were not. Those you can still see. Therefore you know they have not been removed
@Pix- THANK YOU. Glad to see someone on here understood my point. I rarely come across an article where I see a foul comment removed. And I know comments are not being removed, because I STILL see them, Nancy.