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I definitely cross the line between helping my daughter do her homework and actually doing it for her. It is a fine line. Please admit you cross this line, too (at least sometimes).
When my daughter shows me her homework, I never intend to do it for her. I simply plan to sit and help. But it doesn’t always work that way. She starts out fine, excited to do homework, but then within 10 minutes, her eyes are glazing over and she just gets tired. Is tiredness an excuse for not doing homework? Well, yes, actually. I believe so.
She arrives at school just after 8 a.m., plays in the playground running around until 8:30 a.m., then has a full day of class, including on some days gym and swimming, until 3:30 p.m. Then, she’ll have after-school activities, like dance or play dates, and then dinner at 6 p.m. Then it’s bath time. Her schedule exhausts me, and I’m not the one actually doing the physical running around and using my brain all day.
She’s so tired sometimes that she doesn’t read the instructions when we do her homework and I have to remind her, not so gently, to “READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FIRST!” I don’t like myself at these moments. I hate the impatient tone in my voice. My daughter hates it, too. (I really only get “impatient voice” when it comes to homework.) Which leads me to just want to take over because, quite frankly, I’m much nicer and my daughter is much happier when I just tell her what to do.
When it comes to spelling, I can tell when she’s too tired, because her letters get bigger and BIGGER. And, her spelling, even the words she’s known how to spell since first grade, turns to shit. Excuse my French (and English.) So when she has to come up with words from a list of random letters, I sometimes just say, “On,” and, “Open,” and, “Gone,” giving her “helpful suggestions” in making up the words that she then writes down. But, really, am I just doing her homework for her? Well, yeah. Kind of. Sort of. But not all of it. She, too, comes up with words – just not as many as I do!
The other day she came home with a list of random letters from which she not only had to make three-, four- and five-letter words , but all the letters spelled a “big secret” word. I looked at the scrambled letters and immediately knew what the “big secret” word was. I love word scrambles and crossword puzzles, and I really couldn’t hold it in. “The letters spell the word ‘COMMUNITIES!’” I screamed out. I couldn’t help it. Spelling homework, to me, is fun. So if I see a list of letters, I am the one who wants to come up with as many words as I can. My daughter doesn’t get mad or anything. She watches me, amazed and proud, and writes down the words I list off. I feel smart and my daughter thinks I’m smart!
Yes, technically, you could say that I’m doing her homework, but I think she’s learning by example, because I point out how I found the words and say things like, “If you just add an ‘S’ to every word, you’ll have a five-letter word instead of a four-letter one.” Then there was the homework called “Personal Artifacts” where she had to bring in three things that tell “who she is.” She wanted to bring in stuffed animals. I was the one who said, “You’re in third grade now. Why don’t you bring in your favorite book, a pair of ballet slippers and some photos of your family?” She did. I made her practice what she was going to say about each item, and I chimed in with, “You could also say….” So am I doing her homework or just helping?
Last year, I was a bit of a Tiger Mom when it came to her weekly spelling tests. I would act like her teacher and call out the words and she’d write them down. Then if she got any wrong, I’d say, “WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!” and write HUGE ‘x’s across the misspelled words and get her to write them down five times. It sounds awful, but we actually had a lot of fun doing this. I got to play teacher and she loved it. Helping, or even DOING, her homework is a bonding experience. If I just let her do her homework alone, then I wouldn’t be spending time with her. And, honestly, I rather make homework fun and help her a lot sometimes, than just leave it all to her.
Last year she had to do a presentation on elephants. She did do all the research, the hard part, but I helped (or rather I did) cut out really cute photos of elephants and cartoons of elephants to make her Bristol board stand out from her classmates’. We had a super fun time doing this together, even though it was me who found all the photos and cartoons. Do I feel bad? Nope. I don’t feel all that bad practically doing her homework for her, because it’s a time thing. If I believed that homework was more important at her age than playing with friends after school outdoors, or dancing, which she loves, than she’d have all the time in the world to do her homework on her own. But since there isn’t so much time, and mommy doesn’t believe she is doing any harm in helping a lot, then so be it.
But, when it comes to math, I leave that to her. I hate math. I will look at her math homework to see if she’s done it, but that’s all. So maybe, yes, I do her homework for her (or at least really, really chip in) – but I only do the fun homework. And you?
(Photo: Comstock)
104 days ago
[...] mommies. We’re a busy bunch, aren’t we? There’s homework to be done. Dance recitals to attend. Wine to drink. Sex to contemplate. There are girlfriends and [...]
And by the way to all those parents out there:
THERE ARE NO RULES TO HOMEWORK. IT IS HANDED TO YOU AND EXPECTED DONE. TEACHERS DON’T OFTEN SAY HOW.
YOU DON’T GET GIVEN A SET OF RULES!
Hi, just to let everyone know, I am a teenager, and to be honest, I would’ve loved this sort of nourishment as a kid. If you remember back to the kids days, which it seems most parents have forgotten here, kids are more likely to want to learn something, if it’s fun.
And obviously as the woman has said, her child is good at these things, she just gets tired, and these things muck up. Is it really such a bad thing for a mother to want to help her child’s grades.
It’s better that she is encouraging her daughter to have a routine in her life, and to always do her homework, but still have time to play, and dance.
All kids need fun in their lives, and this little girl is obviously having the time of her life. Hell, I would’ve killed for that as a child. Every child wants to have fun with their parents, and to do it so that you are learning is even better. She did mention that she shows her how she finds these words and explains them, that could actually be impacting her grades a lot.
Hell, I was always at the top of my class, but I probably would’ve been put up a grade if my mum helped me like this.
I mean sure I was at the top of those reading level books by the start of grade one, and I mean the very top, but my maths could’ve been better, and I hate science, but my mum used to love it. If only I had help.
This child obviously has the potential, so why judge her in such a negative way. If her mum wants to bring her up like that, who’s stopping her? Noone.
Writing your opinion on here shouldn’t stop her doing those things with her daughter.
I mean, who knows, wouldn’t it be funny, if you looked back in ten years, and that girl is one of the smartest people in the country.
Look at the benefits, and put the jealousy over your anger with your children aside.
At least she has the guts to do something like that, and they are both rewarded with it.
Amen to mothers like this.
Hmmm…teaching your daughter that partying and hanging out with friends is more important than her responsibilities. One wonders if Casey Anthony’s mom had the same philosophy on child-rearing. Just a thought.
Whoa there. A lot of bad things can come out of doing your daughter’s homework, but I think you’re blowing things a little out of proportion here.
Are you completely insane? You say it was just a thought? Well, if all of your thoughts are as ignorant and insulting as this one, I sure hope you keep most of your thoughts inside your freakin’ head. Geez! Children go to school to learn. Their time at home should be spent with their families. If parents wanted to teach their children then they would homeschool. Or perhaps they’d like to homeschool but can’t for whatever reason. What about the teacher’s responsibility TO TEACH? Why can’t they do that during school time and let the children have time with their families? Ahhhh!
I actually have no problem with the help you are giving her, my only problem is the way (it appears) you approach it. If you do things like cut out an elephant for her project that is fine but she should put a sentence at the end of her project saying that this is what happened. Collaboration is a good thing and happens in the ‘real world’ but it gets acknowledged in references lists in papers or books or in the credits of TV shows. Same with the scrambled words, if you show her that adding an ‘s’ makes a new word then she should write this hint down, this reenforces the lesson and also lets the teacher know what she is up to and where she is having trouble. Homework is given for a reason or, if it is just busy work, then you need to talk to the school about getting it reduced- teaching your daughter to cheat and lie is bad but by letting her know that asking for help is a good thing you are teaching her a valuable lesson which will serve her well for the rest of her life. You sound like a very involved parent that knows what is working for your child and that is a good thing! In year 3 enjoying learning and life is far more important than spelling words, all you need to do is make sure she knows that you are helping her and that her teacher knows too
This is cowardly. If you really believe that homework is not something your daughter needs to be bothered with, then tell the teacher that she will not be be doing homework. Your daughter’s lower grades will be an accurate reflection of her performance.
Or, if you don’t have the guts to let your child see a poor grade on their report card, then back off! Remove the damned distractions (sorry, “activities”) from her schedule, set her at the table for 40 minutes a day, and let her be responsible for her own work.
Wow – you are so smart. You got the secret word and everything. No wonder you couldn’t contain your excitement and shouted out the word before you daughter had a chance. Brilliant!
You are showing a huge lack of respect for yourself, your daughter’s teacher and your daughter. For yourself because you think they only way you will be valued as a mother is if your daughter is highly successful in everything she does. For your daughter’s teacher because you are discounting the years of school, training and experience she has achieved for you to just say it is “busywork.”
But mostly for your daughter. You are showing her you don’t think she’s capable of doing difficult work. And you are teaching her to lie.
What an amazing mom you are. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Wow! This comment is as rude as it gets. Why don’t you make your point politely. As parents we pressured from other goody-goody parents (as yourself I’m sure) to make our children compete in everything. That goes for after school activities as well. Parents are so often politely critsized by other parents as well as teachers if there child does not do perfectly in school all the time. Be as polite online as you would to someone’s face. And, if this is how you are in public I am sorry for the world.
229 days ago
[...] debate about homework is far from over, but with some parents openly admitting to doing their children’s homework for them, we clearly have a problem. Whether it’s ineffective, a waste of your child’s time, or [...]
229 days ago
[...] of dinner, chores, and eventually homework — some of which is considered needless. And while some parents go as far as to do the assignments for their kids, the truth is that many kids are just too exhausted from the day to learn efficiently when they [...]
“Then, she’ll have after-school activities, like dance or play dates, and then dinner at 6 p.m. ”
Why don’t you leave play dates for the weekends and cut back on afterschool activities. Then she wouldn’t be too tired to focus.
I understand that this post isn’t the whole picture, but it portrays you as a parent who doesn’t care about your daughter’s education. It’s one thing to help cut pictures of elephants. It’s another to do the assignment.
My parents did the tiger mom thing, and while I do get angry about it once in a while, I’m the one returning to my high school reunion as a doctor and not a townie.
It’s not the straight-A students who are most successful in the business world but the ones who combine being reasonably bright with exceptional interpersonal skills. Yes, academics are important, but so are extracurricular activities and learning to get along with others.
Crimson Wife–You know what else is highly correlated with success in life? A sense of personal responsibility, which one absolutely cannot get from having their parents do their homework for them.
I agree that grades are not the most important thing in life (and wish more people would see that), but knowing how to get things done is vital. No one wants to work with someone who does no work and only got the job because they know people, and quite frankly I wouldn’t define that as successful no matter how much money they made. Someone who is hard-working and driven, on the other hand, can be successful without having to coast on the successes of others.
Crimson Wife–You know what else is important for success? A sense of personal responsibility, which one cannot get from having their parents do their homework for them.
I agree that grades are not the most important thing in life (and I wish more people would see that), but the ability to get things done is vital. Quite frankly, if someone did no work but got and kept a good job based on who they know, I wouldn’t consider them successful no matter how much they made. But someone who is hard-working and driven, who does what needs to be done whether they want to or not…they are likely to be successful in a monetary sense, and even if they aren’t (because there are a lot of very hard-working poor people), they at least are decent and admirable people, not lazy people who coast on the successes of others.
Oh. It did work the first time. It wasn’t showing up, so I restated it. Oops.
Um, no, I never do it for him. Ever. But he doesn’t have stupid assignments because he’s homeschooled.
If the work is worthwhile (or the battle isn’t worth it), she should do it. Yes, pretty much by herself at this age, because when do you intend on letting her figure out how to learn on her own instead of keeping her glued to your teat? She’s in fourth grade, for goodness sake. If the work is excessive, pointless, and stupid, then take it up with the teacher.
If you do it for her, you’re having a grand old chummy time while harming her future. Which pretty much sums up helicoptering.
Playdates? Dance class? Back away from the structure and give her time to just be a kid. If you need to go after the teacher to get that time, fine. But don’t fill her schedule up with more nonsense.
Good lord, people, get a grip. This person is spending time with her kid, showing an interest in her school work, taking time out of her own busy schedule to support her kid and spend time with her. Is homework SOOO crucial to a child’s learning that it’s impossible that this time is less important, developmentally speaking, than doing the work?
As a homeschooling mom, I can tell you, my son is doing 100% better with me sitting next to him and talking to him while he does his work- and yes, helping him by pointing out where he can find the answers in the text of his computer program, than he was doing in a classroom with 28 other kids and a teacher who insisted everyone should “do their own” work.
There needs to be a balance between “helping” and doing it for them, sure. BUT- parents also need to be involved in their kids’ worlds if they expect them to learn the REALLY important stuff- like how to enjoy learning.
I don’t disagree with your point here, but this author is not talking about helping her child learn. She’s talking about doing the work for her because she’s tired.
You mention that you point out where your son can find the answers to questions. Helping a child find the answer is very different from just yelling out the answers for him to write down so you can be done with it or so that you can feel like you’re smart.
You’ve made the choice to take your son’s academic path into your own hands and home school. And I assume you have laid out lesson plans and work for your son to do. The author, however, chooses to send her child to a school outside of the home and then writes off the school’s lesson plan (which frequently involves homework) as unimportant because her daughter is too overscheduled to complete her own assignments. Two very different things, in my opinion.
@Pix: Amen to that.
Sitting by your child and guiding him/her through each assignment is not the same as doing the work for them. By doing your child’s homework you’re teaching them that they should always expect to get over in life. I’m sorry but this world is far to vicious for any parent to ever expect their child to do well with that attitude.
Hahahahaha! Good job – you knew that the “super secret” word was “communities.” I’m so proud that you can do a fourth grader’s homework! One question: after you do all of her “learning” for her, do you think she’ll be able to help teach others in the future?
am I such a bad mom? I get very stressed with the homework that is sent home these days. My daughter is 10 and has every night Reading,Spelling
math, vocabulary and must read 20. min every night, What the hell do they do in school? lol On top of that she is ADD . Due to her ADD and a slight muscle problem with her leg the doctors have said swimming would be good for her so she swims everyday 3-4 days a week from 4-5 pm then we come home and do home work she is worn out I am worn out I teach autistic children all day which is very stressful her dad is no help he makes things worse with the yelling and screaming. So yes I help with homework and yes SOME NIGHTS I even complete it the writing part she always gives me the answers. My mother always helped me and I am a honest loyal loving person and I have a rewarding job. So am I a bad mom?
You decide!!!! These days you do what you have todo. The teacher wants a meeting with me because she knows I am doing some of her home work !
OOPs I m in troubbbble what are they going to do your bad if your help your bad if you don’t sometimes you have to do what you have to do,
Peace to all you hard working moms doing it alone !!!!
This woman’s articles are all intentionally crafted for drama, whether she’s writing about her elective c-section or disparaging teachers.
Simply put, she’s a professional troll. A published troll, but a troll none the less.
I’m going to save myself some headaches and just not click on the link when I see an article is written by her.
Oh SNAP! Way to call her out, lol. I loved the term “professional troll” because it applies to so many people beyond bloggers (like political pundits).
I completely agree with you. These articles are just trying to get people upset.
Thank you. I was thinking that this can’t be a serious piece, it’s satire, right? I mean, who does that? Good to know that it is satire or performance art or professional trolling.
Lisa–I always have such a hard time knowing if things are serious or satire (I mean, you know, unless they’re extreme, baby-eating satire) because of the very sad fact that, even if this person isn’t serious, there really are people that think that way. It’s sad.
Wasn’t your last column about your child being overscheduled? Perhaps that’s why she’s too tired to do her homework. In any event, you aren’t doing her any favors in the long run. I teach college and I can tell which students have parents who did their work for them. They don’t understand why just doing an assignment or writing an essay doesn’t earn them As, and then their parents call me and complain that their child ALWAYS gets As…..and let’s not even mention the students whose parents still write their essays for them.
You can put an end to this now — make your daughter responsible for her own work. What’s going on here is that YOU want her to be the best, and if the way to have that happen is to do her work for her, then you will. It’s much easier than letting her figure out how to do well by herself. She won’t thank you in the end, though, and in a few years you’ll be wondering why your child can’t do anything for herself.
234 days ago
[...] ejemplo, Rebecca Eckler, blogger en un famoso blog sobre maternidad (mommyish.com) afirma que ella le hace la tarea a sus hijos por cuestión de tiempo, o sea, porque sus hijos no tienen tiempo. Afirma que para ella, es más [...]
I love how you said you only do the “fun homework.” You are even showing her its ok to only do fun things and skip those that are hard. I would be ashamed if I was you.
Agree.
I liked this article. I am totally going to cross the line now more than I already do. If only I could do the trumpet practise as well. So much easier than nagging young musician.
Frankly, I would go to the teacher and inform her that I will be substituting having my child read an hour per night for all the stupid “busywork” Language Arts assignments. Want students to score higher on those all-important standardized test scores? Independent reading is the only homework that has been proven by research to increase student achievement in elementary school.
This article makes my blood boil! You are teaching your child that it’s ok not to do her own homework, and to even expect someone to do it for her. Also, not letting her choose her show and tell items?! It’s not “Show off and Tell Who I Think My Daughter Is,” it’s a chance for her to share things that she values and feels are a part of her with her classmates. If she doesn’t have time for homework perhaps the extracurriculars should be kept to weekends and summer vacation. She’s not earning a scholarship to Julliard just yet, your focus should be on her education, not dance class. Lastly if you need to do your daughters homework just so you can feel smart, well, that’s just sad.
Yes! How are you helping your daughter by doing her work for her? That “busywork” is practice for what she has to know for class. Cutting out elephants for a board is one thing, but calling out words and scrambles? That’s not teaching her to take pride in her own hard work, how to spell, think logically, or have a love of language. It’s teaching her that mom’ll do it all for her and she can just enjoy playtime. When are you going to stop “helping” her? When she’s in high school and the work is harder, when she has less time to manage and no skills with which to do so? How about college?
Maybe her daughter is one of those girls who will be too pretty to do algebra? Later when the daughter is a cheerleader, mom will be the “popular” one who drives her around, does her homework, and gets the girls beer. Admit it, y’all, you do it too! (Sarcasm.) The poor kid is being cheated of having challenges and successes.
What you’re really teaching your child is how to get other people to do her work for her.
Unfortunately this probably will be beneficial to her because she will fail upward and probably become an incompetent CEO who makes an outrageous salary. No, I’m not bitter about the state of America. /sarcasm
How funny… I only had to read the title and instantly knew who wrote this. Congrats, you’re doing your child a disservice.
I swear I had the same reaction upon reading the title. Sometimes I feel like the author is just writing these articles to stir things up and I hope it is all fiction.
When our daughter (7) gets tired and cranky about homework, we send her to take a nap, but we actually don’t cut out activities (with a constantly growing problem with young adults being active I am NOT going to choose my daughter doing sums over having exercise). When she was in K and homework was such a battle that I refused to fight with her about it, and I wrote her teacher and principle telling them such. I think she learned more because she wasn’t worn out by doing home work for school the next day. Homework, especially in the younger grades is more often a battle than a learning tool. It is taking the place of play and imagination (and since we’ve already yanked recess away from so many schools) and being a kid. Last year (1st grade) we approached it gently and eased her in to it and by the end of the year tasks that weren’t fun were still done with a minimum of complaining (usually). This year we’re having some adjustment to back to school, but already leaps and bounds ahead of where we were this time last year. And I feel she is getting an amazing lesson in both priorities and time management.
I think taking the emphasis OFF of nightly homework by schools, especially in the younger grades, will serve us much better than what this author (and MANY MANY MANY parents) are resorting to in an effort to just.get.it.done. There are an increasing number of schools that are now taking this no homework or minimal reinforcement homework approach.
It’s funny. I went to a very strict Catholic grade school. Teacher’s weren’t just encouraged to give us nightly homework, they were required to. By the time I was your daughter’s age I had at least two hours of homework a night, including vocabulary, grammar, spelling, math, history and science (not to mention religion). I also did a ton of extracurriculars including sports, dance and music. And we had a block filled with children who were all in the same school as us with equal amounts of homework. Somehow (I suspect through good parenting) we were able to get everything done and get 8-10 hours of sleep each night. My mother gave us exactly an hour of free play time when we got home from school. After that it was homework time. We had a special homework corner where we worked on everything. Anything we had trouble with (for me generally math, my twin brother generally vocab) could be left aside and once all the other homework was completed we would tackle it with my mom or help each other. It’s honestly not hard and we learned how to manage time so that everything got done and no one went crazy.
Well surely if you did it Jen, then we should all do it. I resent the implication that not doing as your childhood was done is bad parenting or if there are issues with homework time it is because of bad parenting. Good parenting is knowing what works within the confines of your family (including where there is only one parent or both parents have to work full time), not forcing a preconceived construct where it doesn’t fit.
More and more child development research is showing that large amounts of homework, and overly scheduled childhoods are not the precursors to successful adulthood they once thought they were any more than a childhood filled with absolutely no responsibilities is.
The fact is that the number of parents and families having issues with homework is pretty large, and is increasing dramatically, especially as schools focus more on standardized tests in schools and leave more new concept teaching to the parents (by necessity, not by bad teaching). And we can deal with the current reality that the system is broken and fix it or we can say “well I did it and I turned out just fine,” and not deal with the underlying problem.
I’m sorry, but I disagree. Yes, there are times when you need to decide what works within the confines of your own family, but if you are consistently doing your child’s homework for them, you are not successfully parenting them. Kids get cranky and refuse to do shit they don’t like all the time. I know my almost four year old does. But when she does I don’t countenance her bad behavior, because that only leads to more of the same. I take away things she likes and as if by magic I don’t have to battle with her anymore.
I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but if you are having trouble getting your child to do the rough things and your answer is to write excuses to her teacher when she is in kindergarten, you are going to find her pulling the same shit on a larger scale in the older grades. Because you’ve just taught her she can and you’ve just taught her that mommy will sympathize with her because she’s found research that proves that her cranky angel is totally in the right. I’ve seen sixth graders coming in with handwritten notes explaining that they were just too tuckered out from lacrosse practice to do their math homework and college age students having mommy and daddy call the dean because their professor won’t grant them that third extension. Life is tough and employers and professors will laugh as you go down in flames because you never learned that lesson.
Try being a high school student with a basketball game two hours away, not getting home until after midnight, and then having to do homework and be at school at 8:00 ready to learn. That’s what it was like in my high school. People used to come in late with notes, before the principal flat out said that they would not be excused for it. It was their choice to play basketball/be a cheerleader (admittedly not always true, since some parents force them), and they had to fulfill their responsibilities as students regardless. If you teach them from kindergarten that you can get them out of doing work with a note, how are you going to get them to do what those kids had to?
I have seen research saying that for children up to about age 7, learning is best done through play, rather than schoolwork, and I am inclined to agree. However, the most important things they learn from doing homework at that age are: basic reading and math skills that they will use every day for the rest of their lives, basic responsibility, and a sense that everyone has things they need to do (whether they like them or not). All of these are ESSENTIAL to life. To deprive them of this, particularly of the last one, is wrong.
I have seen, on numerous occasions, what happens when parents do their kids’ work for them–not just homework, but chores (“You have to clean your room…oh, fine, I’ll just do it myself”) or basic tasks (“Mommy, get me a drink”). These children tend to become spoiled, selfish, and irresponsible. That’s not to say it’s not POSSIBLE for parents to do things for their kids and still raise them to be unspoiled and unselfish, but I’ve seen it go badly more often than not. I actually had a friend in high school whose parents did everything for her (except homework), and I remember one of our other friends saying before graduation, “I know I signed up to be her roommate, but I’m really afraid she’s going to be so selfish and demanding that I won’t be able to stand living with her.” And they were best friends.
Whether homework is ideal for young children is really not the point. The most important thing here is that, if they are given homework, it is ESSENTIAL that THEY be held accountable for it. It’s a life lesson that needs to be taught early. (I also firmly believe they should have chores by then, but it seems like most parents are anti-chores now. I know parents who won’t even LET their kids do dishes, let alone make them.)
This is exactly why kids go to college and the real world and cannot function. As for your opinion that you will stop when your daughter gets older, things get MORE hectic and there is LESS time for homework so you will be doing MORE of her homework. Yikes to both of you.
I guess I just believe that enjoying outdoor activities and dancing IS more important at her age. I will change my mind about that, I’m sure, as she gets older. For the record, she reads twenty minutes on her own before bed. (And, yes, if she can’t get a word, she asks!) Read the former teachers comment above. Thanks for your!
But I think that everyone is rightfully pointing out that if you wait until she’s older, she will have missed an opportunity to grasp some basic understanding of doing her own work, prioritizing tasks based on something other than how fun they are, dealing with time management…
Not to mention all the basic thinking skills that this homework is supposed to be teaching her. Like I said before, just because it’s easy for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for her. And if she doesn’t learn and practice, how do you expect her to ever know what you know? Thinking skills don’t just show up magically as she ages.
Honestly, it’s only going to get harder and harder for her. School doesn’t stop and wait for you to catch up. If you don’t want to watch her flounder and become horribly frustrated with school later, please consider making some changes now.
I know sometimes it’s hard to take advice (especially when it comes in the form of criticism, which it often does unfortunately), but people are giving you a lot of very good reasons that these habits need to change now, not later.
You’re framing this as an either/or proposition, but it doesn’t have to be that way. My son — also 8 — finds time for friends and reading and extracurriculars, but he manages to do his homework too. Yes, he complains about it, and no, it’s not always pleasant, but not everything has to be pleasant and fun all the time. At that age, homework doesn’t even take up a huge chunk of time. And doing your daughter’s project for her so that she “stands out from her classmates” is particularly heinous. You’re teaching her that cheating is OK? That the ends justify the means? Again, if you are philosophically opposed to homework, then let her endure her own consequences. Allowing her to face the teacher with her homework unfinished might just ramp up her enthusiasm for spelling practice — by herself — right quick.
I’ll admit right off the bat that I am not a parent.
But it seems to me (based on memories of my own school days) that if you continue to have her do her homework at the end of the day when she is exhausted, she will always always hate it. Homework that’s easy for you is not easy for a third grader. And it’s going to feel even more like torture if she is already spent.
Also, a suggestion… You find her spelling homework fun. I’m guessing you like word puzzles (jumbles and crosswords and whatnot). Maybe you could sit with her while she is doing her homework and work on your own word puzzles. She can see that you’re smart, that you enjoy using your brain, and that you are willing to put aside time to do things that are similar to her homework because they can be fun. It may set a good example for her and give you something of your own to focus on while you’re still nearby to help when needed.
I predict in a few years when her daughter doesn’t know how to spell or read at grade level, this mom will write an article blaming the school system.
It’s one thing to help with cutting and gluing (Lord knows my parents did), but completely another to give your daughter all the answers.
You’re not hurting anyone but your daughter by shortchanging her out of an education. Teaching her that spending time with friends is more important than doing the things that need to be done (even when those things suck) is only going to make her vapid.
My daughter is in pre-school and I don’t do her homework for her. And I will not do her homework for her when she gets older either. Between this article and the one about how you have such a hard time managing all the activities your daughter does, I think you need to slow down, Rebecca. Seriously, she’s not going to thank you for this in the end. I knew several kids growing up who had parents who “helped” a little too much with homework and when it came time for them to go to college and get things done like an adult they were screwed. Reading through your articles it seems like you have a hard time drawing the line and disappointing your daughter in ANYTHING. I sympathize with the feeling, I really do, but you need to get over this or she’s going to become an entitled snob who can’t do shit (excuse my French) for herself.
oh hell no. how will the teacher know whether the kids are actually learning, or if their techniques are completely ineffective if the parents are doing the homework? i agree w/ some of your sentiments expressed here and in other articles regarding teachers & time, but this is ridiculous. if the kid REALLY doesn’t understand something, that is something they need to take up w/ the teacher. generally when my kid claims she doesn’t understand or can’t do it, ’cause she’s LAZY and would rather be doing anything else. she gets 30 min or so to decompress after school, but homework is completed before sports practice starts. one day your kid will tell the teacher you did the work. have fun w/ that.
I totally get what you’re saying about homework. A lot of it seems unnecessary and it can be difficult to toe the line between being helpful but letting your kid figure out the answers themselves (which can take FOR-EV-ER), and perhaps leading them to the right conclusion more quickly so you don’t have to start stabbing yourself in the eye with an unsharpened #2 pencil…OR…straight up doing the work for them. But in the end you’re only doing the child a disservice by doing their work.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to teach your daughter that the things she *wants* to do should always take precedence over the things she *has* to do. That won’t serve her very well as she goes through life.
So basically, you do your daughter’s homework for her because you feel “nicer” and because your daughter “is much happier when I just tell her what to do.” Oh, and because “I feel smart and my daughter thinks I’m smart!” Are you aware of how terrible those statements sound? If you want to spend time with your daughter, then HELP her with her homework– don’t sit alongside of her calling out answers in order to boost your own sense of self-importance (which you seem incapable of thinking beyond). Not only are you NOT doing her any favors long-term, you are misrepresenting her abilites in the short-term. You know, because some kids in the class actually did their own homework and the answers they turned in came from their own brains, not their mother’s. I would really re-think your “I’m-not-doing-any-harm” attitude, because you ARE doing harm– to your daughter, her peers, and the integrity of the entire school system.
Not to mention, upon further consideration, it’s sort of sad that being able to do third grade homework makes you feel smart. If you need that much of an ego boost, why not take a college class or something? And your daughter would probably feel smarter doing her own homework than having mommy do it and/or yell at her for doing it wrong. Don’t you think she should feel smart and capable?
Plus, homework serves, in part, to show teachers how kids are doing. If your daughter was struggling with multiplication and turned in a worksheet partially blank, partially wrong, with lots of eraser smudges, it would be obvious to the teacher that she is having trouble and she could try to help. If you decide to just do it for her, and she turns in a perfect paper, the teacher assumes she understands what’s going on and turns her attention to those who do not, never giving your daughter the help she actually needs and DESERVES. You are depriving her of any of the actual benefits of homework and, in a way, school in general.
Hi,
I think doing your kids homework is horrible for them, but helping can be amazing for them IF you know how to do it. You should practice that, especially if the school your children go to is anything like the way Eliza’s kids’ school is. Homework is not bunk in and of itself, but yes there can be pretty useless homework sometimes, too (depending on the teacher).
However, you say your daughter is in the 3rd grade and that you think other things are more important at that age. I agree that it is wonderful to enrich your child’s life and teach them new skills (apart from the lessons themselves they can learn things like teamwork and social skills,etc. and can create a foundation of high self-esteem that will help them throughout their life). But around that age it is extremely important for children to be learning and especially reading! It is imperative to the rest of the child’s education to keep reading, including summer break! If you don’t help them lay the foundational education at this age, they often fall behind in later grades and teachers often just let them slide by rather than reteaching one child things he/she should already know. There were many people like this with me in school growing up. By the time we entered junior high, these students were put in the ‘slow’ class, and no one expected anything of them. I knew them, and I knew that they were not at all slow, they just had issues with reading since around the 3rd grade and no one ever helped them solve them.
At this age they are learning the basics and having them reinforced. Homework helps to reinforce what they have learned at school. This is why it is important.
Helping your child is great, doing their homework is bad. There isn’t anything wrong with helping them cut out pictures for a project.
You’re also why the kids whose parents don’t help them with their poster boards get lower grades and get yelled at by their teachers for not having perfect and pretty posters.
Some kids love the research and presenting but hate spending the time cutting and gluing and making their posters all pretty. Since their work looks sloppy in comparison to the coddled children, their grades are often docked. I speak from personal experience. So your choices likely affect your daughter’s classmates as well.
Learning to do homework by myself was one of the best, most important lessons that my fifth grade teacher ever taught me. Granted, my mom was not the type to do my homework for me, but she would put my homework in my backpack, make sure I did it all, etc.– I didn’t need any time management or organizational skills because she took care of it all for me.
When i told my fifth grade teacher that I didn’t have my homework because my mom forgot to put it in my backpack, she was the first person to tell me point-blank that that was not okay and it wasn’t my mom’s responsibility to to organize MY homework. I took that to heart and it literally changed my entire education from then on– I became much more independent and therefore a lot more proficient at learning on my own, and I’m proud to say I now go to a very prestigious university because of that teacher’s help.
Doing your daughter’s homework for her is not okay. I understand accidentally crossing the line– it happens, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But what you’re talking about is intentionally, consciously crossing that line with her every day, cheating her out of her lessons and teaching her that her mom will always be there to do the hard stuff for her. If you continue on this path, by the time her homework starts getting harder and more detailed and stops being the type that you can do for her with a clear conscience (hopefully you wouldn’t be willing to write papers for her), she will not have any of the knowledge of the subject or just general skills at doing her own homework and managing her own time, and you’re going to be complaining about the schools or the teachers or the system.
I am not saying that at such a young age, your daughter should be forced to stay up late, but schoolwork should come before extracurricular activities and certainly before play dates. If you’re unwilling to cut sports or music lessons out of her schedule for the sake of her homework, at least teach her that if she wants to play with friends, she has to finish her homework first. I’d bet you money that if you had her do her homework first THEN play with friends, she wouldn’t be seeming so glassy-eyed and tired during her play dates.
And by the way, if you consider telling your child to read the directions of her homework to be unnecessarily cruel, I have no problem telling you that you have a lot to learn as a parent.
Homework comes before dancing and play dates, IMHO. It’s totally ridiculous and setting a terrible example to allow the child to do social activites before schoolwork. That’s how spoiled, entitled, lazy children are made.
I just realized this is the same mother who says that parent/teacher conferences are worthless – in the same article where she states parents should be able to access teachers at any time.
Exactly what do you think is the real value of teachers? Why are you not homeschooling if you think so little of the traditional school system?
Ah, I wondered if there was a link between these two articles!
As others have stated, the person who is hurt when you do your daughter’s homework is… wait for it… *your daughter*.
A lot of times, teachers are not giving assignments so that, per your example, they can see that the random letters can be rearranged to spell a big word. They are teaching your child how to take concrete information, reorganize it into abstract information, and then make it concrete again. When I was teaching high school English, I did not assign research projects so that I could learn the 9th graders’ fascinating insights about the role of family in ‘Romeo & Juliet’. I was teaching them to read critically, to use an index, to organize ideas, to clarify their thoughts… the list goes on.
Instead of telling your daughter that she should put an ‘s’ on the end of a word, ask her, “What happens if you put an ‘s’ on the end?” If she wants to bring stuffed animals as a representation of herself, ask her, “What do you believe these animals are saying about you?”
Learning is a very personal thing, in that it can only be done by the person who is doing the learning! I hope that you take time to read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
Emily–I’d have to say, that bit about her “correcting” her idea of what to bring in to represent herself bothered me as much as her doing her homework for her. “No, honey, that’s not who you are at all. You’re this.” Yeah, way to make her be who you want instead of letting her be herself. Helping is one thing, but telling her what things make her her is just wrong.
Wow, I hope this is a joke.
You do your daughter’s homework for her?
Then, when she does do it, you yell out, “WRONG! WRONG! WRONG” if she makes a mistake?
What on earth do you think she’s accomplishing except learning to let you do her homework all by yourself?
Wow. This is embarrassing. And does anyone wonder why kids grow up to be spoiled, entitled brats who then go on to be un-hireable by a real job? My husband is in education & despises parents like this. Most days I think he is making up half the crap he tells me the parents do. But I guess not….
I’m a tutor. Every day, I have at least one kid come to me and either ask outright what the answers are or, even worse, try to con me into giving them in the guise of explaining (“Can you do the first one as an example? Hmm, I’m still not sure I get it; can you do the next one too, so I can understand, please? I think if you do just one more, I’ll get it.” or “I don’t get this reading; can you summarize it for me and explain the main points?”).
Thanks to your silly and poorly edited article, I now know exactly whom to blame for this behavior. So yeah, I am gonna hate you, because you and parents like you make my job 10 times harder. I have to be the asshole that you’re too weak to be. You do your daughter no favors by letting her teacher think she’s mastered skills that she hasn’t, or letting her think she’s accomplished something besides having more willpower than her own mother.
Oh, goodness. A lot of my friends work in the writing center at our college (proofreading people’s papers), and they have similar stories. People basically expect them to write the paper for them sometimes, it seems.
The most ridiculous one I heard, one girl had class at (we’ll say) 2, and made an appointment FOR 2 (the day the paper was due) for them to look over her paper. When my friend found out, she asked how she expected that to work, and the girl said, “I’ll just be late to class,” like all it takes is a few minutes to proofread and correct a paper. My friend flat out refused to even help her.
Because your daughter is not yet of an age that she can manage time properly, you have to do it for her. Teaching good skills–that sometimes, we can’t do all of the things we want to do because there are so many things we MUST do–will improve your child’s entire life.
I recently graduated from law school. My parents might have helped me with things like gluing–if I struggled with fine motor skills–or sounding out words and so on. But what they really helped me with was slowing down, taking my time, thinking through things, and being responsible for my own success. If I did poorly on assignments, they talked to me about what I thought I could have done better and how I would achieve better in the future.
I have nieces, however, who were raised by “I’m just HELP a little, and by help I mean do it for you” kind of parents. Even as adults, they struggle with the idea that their success depends on them and only them. If I had a nickel for every time one of them had said, “I did poorly because my teacher/professor didn’t like me,” or, “If only I had more TIME for this assignment because I spent all week doing fun things I wanted to do,” I would be a rich woman.
You’re not doing yourself or your kid any favors in the long run.
Rebecca, I’m with you. I may approach it a bit differently, but I think we share the sentiment that homework isn’t terribly effective in the first place and is more of an exercise in ‘getting things done.’ Which is all well and good – we all need to learn to get our sh*t done, even when we don’t feel like it, but its totally bunk to assume that often rote-style, fill-in-the-blank homework is actually making a dent in the education of a child. They already spend 6-8 hours in school anyway – I do think playing with friends and dancing (and household chores and rugby and swimming and flute lessons and a nice long family dinner and 10 hours of sleep a night) are more important than thinking of 5 words that start with the letter O and 20 long-division questions. I was a teacher and rarely assigned homework unless I knew it had actual purpose – was means to an end of something else.
But that wasn’t the thrust of her article. The thrust of her article was, in a nutshell, “I’m too lazy to actually help her understand the homework so I’ll take the easy way out & do it for her.” In fact, Rebecca states that she wants to see her child stand out from the other students; thus, she is willing to break the rules so her kid excels, even though her kid isn’t doing what she’s supposed to. What the hell makes her kid so special that she should get to slack and take credit for someone else’s work? What kind of a lesson is that to teach your child? My husband teaches college, and so he witnesses the products of parents like these a decade or so down the road. The result, I can almost guarantee, will be an entitled, selfish 20-year-old crying in her professor’s office and begging for an A when she did C-level work at best.
I can see your point that homework isn’t necessarily the most useful thing in the world, but the ONLY way it is truly useless if it’s too easy for the child to get anything from it. I always detested spelling homework in elementary school because I knew how to spell everything, but math worksheets normally helped, particularly the long division ones, because I wasn’t quite as good at math (and rather bad at long division).
But actually doing your child’s homework for them is ridiculous. It teaches them nothing, except that they can be lazy and get someone else to do it for them, it makes it so the teacher can’t see how they’re actually doing, and quite frankly, it is downright unethical.
Eh….the only person this could hurt is your daughter. Do whatever you want for YOUR life, but it’s not fair to shortchange her growth. Maybe it’s time to take a course or something, if you’re really enjoying doing homework!
Not true. I have many teacher friends. They all, to a one, hate parents like this. It hurts the rest of the kids in the class because it totally skews the grading curve. It’s not fair to judge a 5-year-old’s work against a 35-year-old’s. There may be other kids in the class who are doing above-grade-level work who are being overshadowed by the work the parents are doing.
Look, I’m not a perfect mom. Lord knows I have my short cuts as well but remember homework is about practice, practice, practice!
If you’re tired take a deep breath and keep practicing!! (LOL, Tiger mom much?)
Helping kids with their homework is hard. Much harder than doing it yourself. It takes so much longer; they get annoyed; and arghhhh my reading comprehension skills are so much better than his, so why don’t I just summarize the passage for him????
And no, listening to Mom’s explanation of how she did something isn’t the same as doing it yourself. If it were, I would have three adult children and a BS in biochemistry.
I’m with Katherine.
This is satire, right? Please tell me this is satire. If it is satire, it’s not very good because it’s not particularly clever or funny. If you are indeed serious….holy shit.
I will not “admit I cross this line” with my 3 kids. My rule is: if they have a specific question about something they don’t understand, I will answer it. I will not give them the answer to a problem. That’s their job, not mine.
Homework doesn’t need to be fun, and if your daughter doesn’t learn to complete tasks that aren’t fun – and understand that non-fun tasks can still be important and fulfilling — she’s going to have a tough time as an adult. If you believe that playing with friends and dancing are more important than homework, fine, but let her suffer the consequences of not doing her homework. Let her go to school with her homework incomplete.
Jesus Christ.