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“Due to my difficult situation, I cannot raise my child.”
This was the short note my child’s birth mother left with him, along with a bag of clothing, at a Vietnamese medical clinic back in 2008 (he was just hours old, with his umbilical cord still attached).
This note consumed me. Before I flew from Toronto to Vietnam to meet my son face-to-face and bring him home with me, I started taking Vietnamese lessons. At the time, I asked my teacher to look at the scribbled note so that I could try to picture my son’s birth mother in my mind. Was she young? Uneducated? What was her story? You can tell so much about a person by their handwriting.
Many people might feel disgust at the thought of a woman leaving her newborn baby on a doorstep and walking away. But I feel compassion, empathy and tremendous hurt for her. As a mother myself, I can imagine how much grief she had to overcome and the guilt that she must feel every January 17– the day she gave birth.
It’s for this reason that I decided to write a letter to my son’s birth mother, and it was important to me that it be in her own tongue. Of course, it’s highly unlikely that she’ll ever read it, given that nobody knows her true identity, but I wanted to thank her anyway. I wanted this woman to know that I understood. And I wanted her to know that the little boy she left behind will one day understand, too.
I spent months writing my letter in Vietnamese. I wanted my thoughts to be precisely translated. I have a picture of myself sitting on the 16-hour flight and re-writing the letter for the umpteenth time so that every diacritic, written above and below the vowels, was perfect.
Once I arrived in Vietnam, I met up with Thuy, my liaison who’d spend the next two weeks facilitating the final stages of adoption. She taught me so much about the country’s incredible cuisine, culture and the many different tribes. She passionately spoke about the babies that she visited at the orphanages each day and gave me clear insight as to why they were there.
Infant abandonment is a big problem in Vietnam. Traditional values are strong and unwed mothers, usually very young, face discrimination and are rejected by society and by their own families. There is a strong sense of shame and they feel that they have no choice but to labor alone and walk away. It is standard practice for the authorities to post announcements of the abandoned child and search for relatives for 30 days. In the case of my son, Asher, nobody stepped forward.
Abandonment is a difficult word for me. I am somewhat reluctant to talk about the circumstances surrounding my son’s adoption because I feel that it is his story to tell, not mine. But I did want to share this letter because when women give up their children, there’s always a reason – and it’s important for adoptees to understand this. On a personal level, I wrote this letter to include in my son’s life book. I want him to know that I understand that his birth mother did what she needed to do. I can only hope that he’ll understand one day, too.
To my son’s birth mother,
I have been thinking about you from the moment my husband and I decided to adopt a baby boy from Viet Nam.
I wanted to write you a letter in the hopes that some day you will return to the orphanage.
Your baby – and my new son – has an older brother who is anxious and excited for him to come home. He has two loving parents who are committed to their children and to each other. We live in a city of many cultures and are fortunate to have all that we need.
Although our son will be living far from Viet Nam, we promise to teach him about his homeland and show him how to be proud of his heritage.
I can’t imagine how difficult it was to make this choice. Please understand that I respect your decision and understand the many different reasons why women place their babies for adoption.
I want to assure you that he will always know that your decision was made out of love. We will never forget you. You will always live in our hearts.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for this precious gift of life.
A Grateful Mother
(Photo: Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock)
My late husband was adopted when he was 21/2 year old. His adoptive parents were in their early 40′s and never had any children. He was truly blessed having become a part of that family.
He expressed his desire to meet his birth parents to me one day. He had heard the stories that led to his adoption. But he wanted to see them if even just one time. His adoptive Mother had all his adoption information on file and for his taking when he was ready to make his journey. Out of respect to his Mother he chose not to make this journey while she was still living. She was 81 years old when my husband died in a trucking accident in 1997.without ever meeting his birth Mother or father.
My message here; don’t wait a lifetime, do it now because tomorrow may never come.
Rae, I would like to know when your adopted son was born. Was he one of the Babylifters? If so, what is his name? I would like to know because I am in touch with a lot of Vietnamese adoptees on Facebook. I was one of the Frequent Winders, those who came right after Operation Babylift. It was called Operation Frequent Wind. I have yet to meet any Vietnamese adoptees who was in Operation Frequent Wind.
169 days ago
[...] adoption. While we felt like the luckiest people on earth, our joy was tinged with sadness for his birth mother’s empty [...]
This is a deeply moving glimpse into the heart of a women who truly loves her son . Such total love, to care enough to be touched by his birth mother’s plight and story and the acceptance she chooses is inspiring. I have no doubts that this women has changed his life forever, and many more in the process.. What a treat for the rest of us to have a peak into a love like that.
Thank you so much for this. You are a wonderful person. I too am adopted and it really gives me a different perspective on the whole situation… I will admit I often questioned (when I was younger) if my parents loved me the same as they would have their own child. This is just so heart warming.
Marissa, like you, I also questioned if my birthparents ever loved me. I had always wondered why my birthmother gave me up and unconsciously, I was very angry with her for giving me up. I have forgiven her when I have found out that she could have been very poor and couldn’t take care of me.
I have had many dreams about my birthparents. My very first one, it was a very sunny day with no clouds in the sky when my birthparents went through the front gate of my third elementary school of the year and we met on the stairs, crying and hugging each other. I found myself crying in the dream and when I woke up, I was crying in middle of the night. My first foster parents never knew about it. In two of the dreams, they were dead. In one of them, I was told by the president of South Vietnam that my birthmother had died. In another dream, I was swimming in the Pacific Ocean to Vietnam. In two of them, I had a chance to go back in time to find them. In another one, my birthfather was named Roob Robinson, something like that and that he was in a Satanic cult.