SubscribeAuthor: Bolaji Williams
Dear TIME Magazine: I Am ‘Mom Enough,’ Thank You Very Much
TIME magazine has taken the “Look Ma, there’s another Ma who’s better than you!” media trope to a whole new level by disingenuously asking “Are You Mom Enough?” Meanwhile, a previous issue had writer Bonnie Rochon, herself a mother who claims to be a breastfeeding advocate and who breastfed her own child just two months shy of her third birthday, had the balls to say, “Nursing even a hungry infant on the subway strikes me as fairly gross.” That’s right, she said “gross.” How old are we here? And is this the voice of female empowerment?
These are the stories that give me pause, but only because it’s not strictly men who police the bodies of women and try to legislate the ways in which women choose to interact with the children they care for; increasingly, and most vocally, it’s women. More »
Thanks Self-Help Books, But My Child Is Actually My Parenting Guru
Children don’t come with a rule book, however, if we look closely enough and pay attention more clearly, we’ll see that the rules are embedded in the child. It certainly doesn’t take a parenting expert to tell us that our busy lives are busy or that sometimes our own needs overshadow the needs of our children. And most of us don’t require an expert to remind us that we may occasionally miss these emotional cues because they happen at inopportune and wholly inconvenient times. You’ve been there, right? I know I have. The test of course is what we do in the moment despite how lofty our expectations regarding the outcome of what an ill-timed parent-child exchange “should” look like.
For example, last month, one March Break day began like any other day. Except my 7-year-old decided that she didn’t want to take a bath before spring Adventure Camp and felt that the most effective way to communicate that to me was via a hysterical meltdown. More »
Sorry Kids, Moms Make Mistakes Too
The last few years of parenting my girls, aged 4 and 7, has been nothing short of eye-opening. Like you, I’ve been immersed in the minutiae of other parents’ day-to-day lives through the lens of moms and dads on the internet. I’ve also heeded much of what the wide variety of child experts and child advocates have suggested, but nothing has taught me more about myself and my “parenting style” than those crazy moments in which my parenting bubble has burst and I have found myself faced with a situation in which I’ve had to apologize to my children. More »
First World Problems: Who Cares About My Daughters’ Girly LEGO?
As the mother of two daughters, I have not suddenly become paralyzed with indecision when it comes to choosing pink and girly LEGO over non-pink LEGO for fear of raising marginalized or gender-conforming human beings. Nor have I lost sleep over the fact that Princess Mulan now wears a ball gown instead of traditional Chinese garb. Why? Because I’m not entirely convinced that policing Lego colors or banning princesses is the way to go. More »
Sorry I Can’t Talk, I Have Kids!
The art of having a conversation while children are present is my biggest pet peeve. And believe me, it’s not for lack of trying. It’s supremely frustrating trying to talk above and through the chattering haze of children with equal parts grace and respect. And if you’ve been the person with children attempting this, or the person who doesn’t have children trying to talk to your friend whose child has taken center stage in your conversation scenario, you too can relate.
Surely I can’t be the only one who feels ridiculously short-changed and slightly embittered by the real-life consequence of these perennial interruptions? More »
Are We Doomed To The Dysfunction Of Our Parents?
There are certain things that my mother does that I have had to make a concerted effort not to do with my children. She was a big proponent of the “Do as I say, not as I do” school of parenting. Which means my two sisters and I were not ever “allowed” to question her. You read that correctly. If my single parent mother decided something was “best” for us, there was to be no argument or discussion as to why it was best for us. It just was. And that was the end of the discussion.
Now that I’m a parent, I often wonder if this was some sort of self-protection device she used to lessen the amount of talking and explanation that was necessary to “corral” her three children into doing what she wanted us to do at any given moment. If that was the case, I can totes relate.
Some days, all I want to do is not talk. Period. Which I explain to my family by actually saying, “I don’t want to talk anymore.” This non-too subtle way of saying, “I do not have the patience or energy required to explain anything, and I neither do I have the energy, nor the patience, to break down each initiative as if it were a science project.” It simply means that my parenting reserves are empty. Depleted. Dry. More »
Help! I Can’t Stop Telling New Moms How To Parent
Last week one of my husband’s very good childhood friends had a beautiful baby boy. He and his wife and are in their mid 30s and this is their first child. The first photos of the babe reached my husband through a private messenger chat page quite early. There’s a shot of him being cleaned up, an adorable shot of him stretching and crying, plus pictures of a relaxed, smiling mommy and a joyful daddy. And then there was a shot of the babe with a soother in his mouth.
“Already?!” I gasped, hovering over the photo with hawk-like precision. “He’s like a minute old, why would they put that thing in his mouth so soon?” More »
My Kids Can Cope With The Holiday Stress. I’m The One Who Can’t
I’m not going to lie. I’m tired. Exhausted. Irritable. Stressed out. And the short fuse that was already considered too short, well, it just got shorter. What is it, you ask? Chronic Fatigue? PMS? SAD? Some incurable ailment? No, it’s called parenting. More specifically it’s the parenting jog that begins in September and ends rather blissfully a few short days before Christmas. In fact, at the time of writing, the break will be a few short weeks away. Did you hear that? It’s the sound of imaginary champagne bottles popping! WOOT!
But here’s the thing: Rather than indulging in a self-absorbed mommy-rant – and, believe me, I fully support the occasional outburst – I want to talk about the myriad ways in which parents are supposed to suck it up and keep it moving right along without so much as a crack in the veneer to suggest otherwise. More »
Chronic Asthma Will Not Define My Daughters’ Lives
I have asthma and both of my children have asthma. No, we are not “cursed” with bad luck, as my Asian in-laws believe. I swear our genes are AWESOME, and we are blessed in other ways!
I’ve had asthma since I was 11 months old, which means that asthma is something I’ve lived with my entire life. They used to promise that I’d grow out of it, but I never did. Now they tell sufferers that you manage it. For me it’s really not a “big deal” in the sense that I don’t know of any other lifestyle. More »
Parents, Get Over Your Fear Of Unvaccinated Children
Recently a mom wrote a post on this very site with the title, “Your Unvaccinated Kid Is Not Welcome Play With Mine.” When I read this headline I couldn’t decide if I was more troubled with the headline, the article itself or with the ensuing commentary. Shortly after, Time tweeted a link that suggested “1 in 10 parents don’t vaccinate their children,” to which I RT’d, “That’s because 1 in 10 of parents are assholes.” More »
Happy Thanksgiving: Sorry I Told You To F@#k Off
The morning of the day my mother arrived from Winnipeg to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving was the day that my father-in-law apologized for telling me to f*ck off. Or did he say actually say f*ck you? I still can’t recall. More »
Defrocked: Our Beloved Priest Was Actually A Pedophile
After high school I travelled to Lille, France to become a jeune fille au pair. Much like my older sister who paved the way, this was to be my year off towards self-discovery. While in France, I received a devastating letter from my mother that would inevitably change the way I viewed religion, God and humanity for the rest of my life.
I recall my mother’s letter being very brief. It also contained a yellowed newspaper clipping. If memory serves, there was a shrouded image in the foreground – much like the darkened images they use on TV to protect witnesses – of the young boy who had accused Father Charles Griggs, my childhood priest, of sexual abuse. More »
I’m A Mother – And A Bully In The Kitchen
This summer, after my family and I spent a delightful week at the cottage with our very good friends and their son, plus another longtime friend and fellow cottage-goer, I came to the foregone conclusion that I am a bully in the kitchen. The good part is that I was able to reach this conclusion on my own. The awkward part is that while I recognize that the bully/control freak in me could be a direct result of the life-threatening allergies my daughters’ have, my fear of contamination could be interpreted as slightly overwrought. More »
Beyonce Doesn’t Have A Magical Vagina And We Should Stop Treating Her Like She Does
When Beyonce first broadcasted her pregnancy to the world last month during the Video Music Awards, I was unable to muster up the usual excitement I have when a woman near or far – celebrity or otherwise – is pregnant. In fact, my response to the “good news” was not G-rated. More »
The New Mommy Wars: Are You A Slacker Mom Or A Super Mom?
As I sit reading the latest edition of the ongoing saga that is The Mommy Wars, as reported in various newspapers and on my favorite websites, I get tired. Irritable. Anxious. Not least because I don’t seem to fit the exhaustingly rigid constraints that these labels suggest – it’s okay, neither do you – but because as we all know, there is no longer a one-size-fits-all style of parenting. Heck, there is no size at all these days! More »
Labor Pains: I Was Secretly Relieved To Have An Emergency C-Section
The birth of my first daughter involved an emergency c-section that, I’m not ashamed to report, I actually preferred over a vaginal delivery. That’s right, I willingly kissed my Jillian Michaels abs goodbye and “chose” major abdominal surgery over natural childbirth. My daughter was slow to arrive on the scene and the situation presented to me was this: I had a 50/50 chance that she could emerge the “natural” way or, you know, the other way (via c-section). The choice for me was a no-brainer.
It’s only when I share my birth story with other moms that I get the feeling I had somehow “cheated” myself out of a True Motherhood Experience simply because I wasn’t very good at bearing down on a yoga ball, or squatting in a kiddie pool surrounded by moon cake and mulled wine. More »
I Suck At Play Dates: A Mother’s Confession
It’s been a while since I’ve arranged or attended a play date. I know, I know, it’s not about me, right? Except it is. Recently, following weeks of planning and scheduling and reworking a get-together with the awesome mom of my six-year-old’s Montessori school friend – who, by the way, has three children – I cancelled at the 11th hour. We’d exchanged quite a few emails detailing best times, dietary restrictions and suggested activities and it all sounded great until I realized that I was spent before the play date was even set to begin.
I emailed her the night before to apologize for flaking out at the last minute. “I’m so sorry, I really suck at play dates,” I wrote. She LOL’d and replied, “No worries, I suck at play dates. too.” What’s funny is that I could totally read the sigh of relief reverberating through her reply. More »
Adultism: People, Get Over Your Hatred Of Children
We’ve come a long way since the days when people would loudly proclaim, “Children should be seen and not heard.” But like old traditions, fond memories and nostalgic ramblings, it looks like we’re embracing the saying once again. Except this time the anger, hostility and vitriol isn’t being spewed from the mouths of parents but rather by folks who don’t want children, don’t like children and who have the audacity to believe – and have no problem asserting – that children have no right to exist at the same time or place as they do! Chills.
Adultism is the systematic unrepentant disregard, privilege, control and discrimination of and against children – by adults. It’s a relatively new term, but one that’s gaining traction in child-centered circles. If the concept itself seems like a bit of a brain-buster, think of it in this way: It’s like racism, except the target/victim is children. More »
The Ultimate Relationship Downer: Marrying A Momma’s Boy
My husband didn’t marry his mother. Not by a long shot. Not by a short stretch of the imagination, even. Get the picture?
For starters, my husband’s mother and I don’t share the same race. We don’t share the same physical proportions. We don’t share the same philosophies, ideals or first impressions. And, yet, the one thing that we do share is probably the greatest or terrifyingly single, most unifying, thing ever – and that is a love for my husband. (Notice I didn’t say her son, ahem.)
For what it’s worth – and trust me, I’m smart enough, and respectful enough, to know it’s worth plenty – she had him first, both literally and figuratively. By sheer dint of will or through the beautiful brush strokes of biology, they are, and will forever be, inextricably linked. More »
My Kids Are Multi-Racial. They’re Not A Social Experiment
When I met my husband several years ago at a renowned Toronto design firm, neither of us was looking to fall in love with a person of a different race. My background is Jamaican/Nigerian, courtesy of a mother and father, respectively, who themselves are also multi-racial. My mother is mixed with Cherokee Indian – a fact I discovered one summer when I took note of the interesting shade of burnt red her skin seemed to turn under the hot Toronto sun – and my father is a fair-skinned African man with visible freckles. My husband is Singaporean Chinese and affectionately refers to himself as “Tropical Chinese.” His mother “looks” traditional Chinese and, interestingly, his father does not.
In the beginning, my then boyfriend and I never really discussed race (go figure!). You might call us naive, but neither did we discuss the “implications” of bringing multi-racial children into the world. More »
